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[Technically a Vent] If I need help, I won't call for it
a month ago
General
>>>If this journal is before 2020, I was younger than 18 and experienced a lot of neurological trauma :woozy_face:
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
So, you may notice me disappearing at random times. Not talking in certain groups for days, not replying to your DMs...
In some cases, it's me being busy with something else, like playing a game or programming a game LMAO
In some cases, I'm too tired to engage "adequately", or I'm not feeling particularly vorny if it's something vorny
However in half the cases, I'm depressed! 🎉🎉🎉When this happens, I'm not replying to ANYTHING social, or barely. I become recluse, avoiding interaction basically altogether
And the reasoning for the reclusiveness is either:
- species dysphoria so hard that it makes me debate my husky anthro-therianism, to the point of trying to avoid anything that reaffirms it - including all my furry stuff. Just being "ah man I'm just some weird cringey guy"
- self-punishing. This can cause the above. I'm constantly and exhaustively scrutinizing myself basically over anything and everything. Debating the money involved (even to the penny) - ESPECIALLY if a friend of mine is paying it for me - pondering if the activity is worth every penny. I debate whether or not this activity I'm doing is worth the time and effort I'm giving it. And I do that almost nearly constantly to the point it affects my workflow and concentration, making it all more slower and harder to enjoy. I'll self-punish even harder after doing said activity :wheeze:
- "feeling like a parasite". I've never, in my 23 years of life, actually had a paying job. I'm so terrified of authority and making mistakes that I worry about every miniscule thing to the point I just get too debilitatingly anxious being near anything remotely work related. But then, **I'm not making money**, *someone else* is aiding me, paying into supporting me, dedicating their time and energy. And, I really hate that, I hate feeling like I'm just bloodsucking out someone's money to "my benefit". Makes accepting help really difficult and I have to be talked into it for weeks before I budge into accepting it - and then self-punish myself anyways after accepting it
- "Fun-Fearian" PTSD stuff. I'll prob edit this to link a related journal. That shit fucked me up HARD, I can't look at certain old vore art even or it gives me 'em 'Nam flashbacks 😭😭😭
And basically due to way I was raised, even mentioning the slightest of issues led to punishment. So I learned to just be quiet unless I knew it'd fuck me if I didn't, and it'd still fuck me somehow anyways!!! ;p
So, I literally just will not tell anyone that I'm dealing with stuff, the most I might say is "oh feeling tired" or "I'm fine" or "eh some downs" (I've sometimes said "feeling down" but try to phrase it some complex way to indicate feeling neutral meh). You have to basically pry me open to get to the bottom of troubles I'm dealing with lmfao. I'll jokingly refer to problems I'm having, because of another thing;
I have very miniscule self-worth! I do not seriously value myself or anything I produce. I get positive feedback, and I respond by critiquing myself (if I'm not doing a tease lmao). Nothing has ever been enough for me, and I have this strive to keep trying to perfect things or just give up. Either succeed or fail, I don't leave any middle ground, and I consider most things a fail. You can say how good something of mine is, but I genuinely won't see it most if not all of the time. And then there's a whole "time rot" - of where at some point, something I did value a lot, will just "feel like another Tuesday" and I'll devalue it, removing any sensation of "goodness" I did feel with it
On the lack of valuing, you'll notice me go "but it's easy, just do this and that" and I will actively try to walk you through on how I do something. Because to me, a lot of what I make if not everything I make - doesn't really have any other tangible value except "free to view and use" to me, and that it feels easy to mostly do.
To add, I have difficulty with even placing a price tag on my stuff in the first place. For a long time I didn't wanna do commissions due to identity reveal to set up payments. Then it became "oh most payments services don't let you do NSFW stuff well ok then" when the former was less of an issue, and then debating whether or not it's even worth it all to pursue it when there's other things to do, became an additional thing on top of it.
I struggle with even the premise of doing findom for this reason - I'm so empathetic and money sensitive that I could not in good faith seek taking money from someone let alone in that way - you'll likely see me actually try to lecture you on "smarter use of your money" 😭 . I've had a few people want me to findom them, or want commissions and I'm just like, "am I *really* worth that? There's tons of people doing this much better and more frequent than me..."
Due to overall lack of self worth, I also don't seriously consider my life. Like, I'll for the most part try to do what helps me succeed, but like if I get injured or otherwise hurt I'll just be like the black knight from Monty Python and be like "tis but a flesh wound". I'll look past my pain, forgoe thoughts about any infections I may have, not take any cuts on my skin seriously - sometimes even hiding any as to not garner attention. I'll laugh and make jokes while having a near death experience until my mortality truly hits me. I'm basically passively suicidal LMAO (see there, I don't take myself seriously 😭) as I wouldn't mind dying if it did make a better world (and do think of it like that especially during depressive episodes).
The only thing that's actually prevented me from killing myself, is literally some FOMO (my brain weirdly can be freaked out about missing what cool stuff could happen in the nedt year), plurality (secret multiplicity reveal), and close friends I begrudgingly keep a close personal loop (of mentioning my issues) with (especially with my plurality telling them when I have issues lmao).
<<<
In fact I'm only begrudgingly writing this journal because both my plurality, my partner, and close friends actively want me to make this. They've been pushing for this for a few days now, and likely the idea of this for weeks and months but been so long we've all forgotten
<<<
With the way I was raised too, I was basically told that just about every bad thing I was experiencing was miniscule, "oh we all have that", "there's people experiencing worse", or that sometimes even that I was pretending. Which aids in me just downplaying any grievances I have or any pain I have, so much so that I can get myself depressed thinking about it. When the friend who helped me actually saw my bodily state he was HORRIFIED - my back cracks like crazy, my joints are stiff and cracky, I huff and groan with pain with certain movement, I'm nearly always congested. And, it just, felt so incredibly validating that someone actually sees - that what I'm experiencing *IS REAL*.
With the way I was raised, I learned absolutely no boundaries beyond "no peeking at adult's stuff". I rarely knew when something should be and stay a secret. I rarely knew how to set and assert my own boundaries let alone respect others' boundaries. My mother and family would actively barge into my privacy and demand answers to their questions about what I'm doing. I never learned how to have assert proper privacy - like how to go "I want privacy, go away please" - because if I did, it'd get immediate questions and further infiltration from my mother/other guardians. I learned that asserting privacy needs was "rude". I got treated essentially like an object by family, and thought it was normal. Even while drowning in this, well, I don't want to call it "abuse" what's the word? Eh I dunno a word but, as I was drowning in that, I'd try my best to fight tooth and nail for my family, to the last breath before I became a furry (and even a bit afterwards)
I basically learned boundaries a year after becoming a furry, and continue to learn how to set them.
With the way I was raised, I was blamed for just about everything and anything. Even if it was way out of my control, even if it had nothing to do with me, even if it was literally impossible for me to have had any form of responsibility for it. And if I dared to ever fault anyone else, I'd be verbally reprimanded about how it was EXTRA my fault. Leading me to blaming myself for everything, finding ways to blame myself and self-punish, even for something miniscule or nothing even my fault. Such blame that I became a people pleaser, such blame I devalued myself into oblivion, such blame that I did away with my own boundaries and comfort zones, such blame I deemed myself too incompetent to work, such blame I can't in good faith take a compliment, such blame that I was ok with dying, such blame that I'd rather die than try and fail in hopes to succeed, such blame that I tested how to take my own life. Wow, run on sentence bro (and again...), criiiiiiiinge
Umm... So much blame that I uhh... Have begun forgetting the bad stuff that happened. My close friends and partner want me in fact to make a journal about that too...
Idk, might do more edits if my partner and friends note that I forgot something
TL;DR: cringe, or is it? VSauce, Damo here! Uhh actual summary... I just make a very thorough elaboration about how if I'm feeling down I will avoid anyone like *I* have the plague.
In some cases, it's me being busy with something else, like playing a game or programming a game LMAO
In some cases, I'm too tired to engage "adequately", or I'm not feeling particularly vorny if it's something vorny
However in half the cases, I'm depressed! 🎉🎉🎉When this happens, I'm not replying to ANYTHING social, or barely. I become recluse, avoiding interaction basically altogether
And the reasoning for the reclusiveness is either:
- species dysphoria so hard that it makes me debate my husky anthro-therianism, to the point of trying to avoid anything that reaffirms it - including all my furry stuff. Just being "ah man I'm just some weird cringey guy"
- self-punishing. This can cause the above. I'm constantly and exhaustively scrutinizing myself basically over anything and everything. Debating the money involved (even to the penny) - ESPECIALLY if a friend of mine is paying it for me - pondering if the activity is worth every penny. I debate whether or not this activity I'm doing is worth the time and effort I'm giving it. And I do that almost nearly constantly to the point it affects my workflow and concentration, making it all more slower and harder to enjoy. I'll self-punish even harder after doing said activity :wheeze:
- "feeling like a parasite". I've never, in my 23 years of life, actually had a paying job. I'm so terrified of authority and making mistakes that I worry about every miniscule thing to the point I just get too debilitatingly anxious being near anything remotely work related. But then, **I'm not making money**, *someone else* is aiding me, paying into supporting me, dedicating their time and energy. And, I really hate that, I hate feeling like I'm just bloodsucking out someone's money to "my benefit". Makes accepting help really difficult and I have to be talked into it for weeks before I budge into accepting it - and then self-punish myself anyways after accepting it
- "Fun-Fearian" PTSD stuff. I'll prob edit this to link a related journal. That shit fucked me up HARD, I can't look at certain old vore art even or it gives me 'em 'Nam flashbacks 😭😭😭
And basically due to way I was raised, even mentioning the slightest of issues led to punishment. So I learned to just be quiet unless I knew it'd fuck me if I didn't, and it'd still fuck me somehow anyways!!! ;p
So, I literally just will not tell anyone that I'm dealing with stuff, the most I might say is "oh feeling tired" or "I'm fine" or "eh some downs" (I've sometimes said "feeling down" but try to phrase it some complex way to indicate feeling neutral meh). You have to basically pry me open to get to the bottom of troubles I'm dealing with lmfao. I'll jokingly refer to problems I'm having, because of another thing;
I have very miniscule self-worth! I do not seriously value myself or anything I produce. I get positive feedback, and I respond by critiquing myself (if I'm not doing a tease lmao). Nothing has ever been enough for me, and I have this strive to keep trying to perfect things or just give up. Either succeed or fail, I don't leave any middle ground, and I consider most things a fail. You can say how good something of mine is, but I genuinely won't see it most if not all of the time. And then there's a whole "time rot" - of where at some point, something I did value a lot, will just "feel like another Tuesday" and I'll devalue it, removing any sensation of "goodness" I did feel with it
On the lack of valuing, you'll notice me go "but it's easy, just do this and that" and I will actively try to walk you through on how I do something. Because to me, a lot of what I make if not everything I make - doesn't really have any other tangible value except "free to view and use" to me, and that it feels easy to mostly do.
To add, I have difficulty with even placing a price tag on my stuff in the first place. For a long time I didn't wanna do commissions due to identity reveal to set up payments. Then it became "oh most payments services don't let you do NSFW stuff well ok then" when the former was less of an issue, and then debating whether or not it's even worth it all to pursue it when there's other things to do, became an additional thing on top of it.
I struggle with even the premise of doing findom for this reason - I'm so empathetic and money sensitive that I could not in good faith seek taking money from someone let alone in that way - you'll likely see me actually try to lecture you on "smarter use of your money" 😭 . I've had a few people want me to findom them, or want commissions and I'm just like, "am I *really* worth that? There's tons of people doing this much better and more frequent than me..."
Due to overall lack of self worth, I also don't seriously consider my life. Like, I'll for the most part try to do what helps me succeed, but like if I get injured or otherwise hurt I'll just be like the black knight from Monty Python and be like "tis but a flesh wound". I'll look past my pain, forgoe thoughts about any infections I may have, not take any cuts on my skin seriously - sometimes even hiding any as to not garner attention. I'll laugh and make jokes while having a near death experience until my mortality truly hits me. I'm basically passively suicidal LMAO (see there, I don't take myself seriously 😭) as I wouldn't mind dying if it did make a better world (and do think of it like that especially during depressive episodes).
The only thing that's actually prevented me from killing myself, is literally some FOMO (my brain weirdly can be freaked out about missing what cool stuff could happen in the nedt year), plurality (secret multiplicity reveal), and close friends I begrudgingly keep a close personal loop (of mentioning my issues) with (especially with my plurality telling them when I have issues lmao).
<<<
In fact I'm only begrudgingly writing this journal because both my plurality, my partner, and close friends actively want me to make this. They've been pushing for this for a few days now, and likely the idea of this for weeks and months but been so long we've all forgotten
<<<
With the way I was raised too, I was basically told that just about every bad thing I was experiencing was miniscule, "oh we all have that", "there's people experiencing worse", or that sometimes even that I was pretending. Which aids in me just downplaying any grievances I have or any pain I have, so much so that I can get myself depressed thinking about it. When the friend who helped me actually saw my bodily state he was HORRIFIED - my back cracks like crazy, my joints are stiff and cracky, I huff and groan with pain with certain movement, I'm nearly always congested. And, it just, felt so incredibly validating that someone actually sees - that what I'm experiencing *IS REAL*.
With the way I was raised, I learned absolutely no boundaries beyond "no peeking at adult's stuff". I rarely knew when something should be and stay a secret. I rarely knew how to set and assert my own boundaries let alone respect others' boundaries. My mother and family would actively barge into my privacy and demand answers to their questions about what I'm doing. I never learned how to have assert proper privacy - like how to go "I want privacy, go away please" - because if I did, it'd get immediate questions and further infiltration from my mother/other guardians. I learned that asserting privacy needs was "rude". I got treated essentially like an object by family, and thought it was normal. Even while drowning in this, well, I don't want to call it "abuse" what's the word? Eh I dunno a word but, as I was drowning in that, I'd try my best to fight tooth and nail for my family, to the last breath before I became a furry (and even a bit afterwards)
I basically learned boundaries a year after becoming a furry, and continue to learn how to set them.
With the way I was raised, I was blamed for just about everything and anything. Even if it was way out of my control, even if it had nothing to do with me, even if it was literally impossible for me to have had any form of responsibility for it. And if I dared to ever fault anyone else, I'd be verbally reprimanded about how it was EXTRA my fault. Leading me to blaming myself for everything, finding ways to blame myself and self-punish, even for something miniscule or nothing even my fault. Such blame that I became a people pleaser, such blame I devalued myself into oblivion, such blame that I did away with my own boundaries and comfort zones, such blame I deemed myself too incompetent to work, such blame I can't in good faith take a compliment, such blame that I was ok with dying, such blame that I'd rather die than try and fail in hopes to succeed, such blame that I tested how to take my own life. Wow, run on sentence bro (and again...), criiiiiiiinge
Umm... So much blame that I uhh... Have begun forgetting the bad stuff that happened. My close friends and partner want me in fact to make a journal about that too...
Idk, might do more edits if my partner and friends note that I forgot something
TL;DR: cringe, or is it? VSauce, Damo here! Uhh actual summary... I just make a very thorough elaboration about how if I'm feeling down I will avoid anyone like *I* have the plague.
I am so sorry for your struggles in depression like that I had no idea Damo.. I know how it feels as I'm sure you maybe recall me telling about feeling like that briefly before, but you're not alone in your struggle and I'm sorry you had such a horrible family making you feel like you're the problem but you're not I always enjoyed the few times before we talked and, knowing what you deal and I think are tryint to heal from maybe we can talk more in the future? But you have my hope and support you'll one day feel like you ARE worth it and receiving help cause you are the sweetest, most wonderfully random and silly Husky ever and I don't know everything about ya but I know enough of your character to say you don't deserve these kinds of feelings and thoughts 💙
Yeah, it's not something I mention, like, at all :wheeze: . A part of that perpetual cycle of not wanting to tell folk how I feel
I dooooo recall datt. I remember you mentioning having a harsh time a few years back ;o I don't remember the specifics of what you said, but yeah experiencing stuff like that even briefly is hell on Earth 🤝 don't wish it on mah worst enemy
I oddly dunno how to respond to "you're not alone in your struggle". It's something I've seen said to others, but not for myself, only incredibly rarely. Brain just wants to be like "eh it's no biggie 🤷♂️"
Ayyyy shit happens. Got a bad spawn ong 😔🤝
It is difficult AF to deprogram that feeling of being a problem. Trained to be hyperfixated on trying to interpret moods and words, even long after such an interaction happened.
Hehe awww 💖 and yeah can, my DMs are always open :3 Was meaning to shoot ya a DM
LMFAO YESSSSSS on the random and silly. Hehehehe awwe on da sweetest X3
Danke 💞💖 I am getting better at uhh... What's da word... Something to do with moderating them. Especially with the plurality at paw. Although admittedly quite easy for me to slip back to
Been meaning to reply for a while, wanted to reply when I felt like I could do a proper reply... But honestly don't know when that'll be, so thought to just reply now while in bed, and while my memory isn't failing me. Down to keep talking here or elsewhere tho uwu
Your mother and previous home absodunklutely made your mind and body as crippled as they are now, she is fully responsible for everything you're going through.
This was an important situation to explain, how you weren't ever allowed privacy or personal control over anything, and were under threat and blame at all times. That extreme level of abuse causes death, your mother ripped away your ability to respect yourself, and not accidentally either. She used you like a rental tool that she never had to pay for, she would have forever if you let her.
Fortunately you managed to escape before she could finish killing you, but the damage that she did to you is literal damage, it's natural after all of that for you to not be able to believe in yourself enough to grow without lots and lots of good targeted therapy, reflection, and dependable support.
You were very brave and fortunate to escape that household, I think you're going to have to continue being brave in order to work on your recovery and growth, which are the same thing, learning how to be healthy and what things you can do.
I hope you keep moving forward and embrace growing closer to your wishes.
TRUEEE. Especially as she was the one whom decided to birth men😩
It's interesting just how many boundaries I lacked and assumed the same with others. I let my life be as open as possible because I wasn't quite allowed to close the book.
The blame was her way of getting to me, because it worked, amazingly well. Felt weird whenever she vaguely tried to reward me on the inverse, too. Had so much of the blame that I didn't feel like I deserved the reward.
Heh, it did give me deadly thoughts I guess X3 and yeah 💀 it is really hard to respect my self in any way, idk if I actually do or not. Yeah it probably would've continued on 😩 admittedly it was beginning to ease up, but not safely enough
Haha yeah true. True AF on the "finish killing" part 💀💀💀 I have a scar on my wrist from the time I tested pain tolerance with a knoife. Didn't think it would stay, didn't really feel all that deep...
I do wonder if its given me brain damage. I have a lot more issues with concentration and memory than I think I've ever had in my life.
Yeah 💀💀I do ponder how therapy would work for me. I tried some govt sponsored CBT and we didn't seem to be going anywhere.
Definitely fortunate, I gues I was technically brave. Was utterly terrified doing it and broke down crying on the taxi away.
Yeah I'll def need to continue being brave to keep going forwards.
Hehe awwww danke 💞 completing those wishes would be niceee uwu