THIS... is something i lived with for as long as i remember.

"nothing i do is good enough"

"You're just a failure"

"Why try? you know it's not gonna matter"

"Nobody actually likes you, you're just tolerated at best"


these are things i tell myself, that i struggle with, some days worse than others. you can't hurt me more than i hurt myself, no matter the screw up or how bad i fuck up, i will always punish myself more than anyone else could.

but i live, kinda outta spite for the people who said I'd never amount to anything or never be able to live on my own.

but it's still a constant struggle from feeling wanted, to feeling tolerated, to feeling like i just want to cease existing and nobody wants me.

it is a constant struggle

every mistake is a bridge burned until it is proven not to be

Luckily there's here, a few friends, and several communities i'm in. even if we all aren't "friends" in the full sense... it's still nice to meet and chat with people, to laugh even for a bit, and to enjoy the small things.

That's the big thing I've learned, enjoy the small things, no matter how unimportant they seem. If they bring you joy, do it, and don't let people tell you it's a waste of time.

It's your life, live it and spend the time you get living it how YOU want.

actually a big part of my struggles is not finding social interaction of any kind fun

i don't find it nice to meet and chat with people, i find it stressful
i always feel like i'm walking on eggshells no matter who i'm talking to

this is why i don't have friends

I won't say to push yourself out of your comfort zone and etc, that's a choice you make.

but I do wish you luck in finding something to enjoy even if only a little.

and hey, friendly goopster here if you ever wanna chat.

aww, thanks

you're still sweet

I would like to redirect those feelings from yourself to the people who told you you're not good enough.

there are... a lot of people you're referring to

some of which are sadly funding my existence

besides, i don't want a life sentence

Well, that's not great. You hide it well, I suppose.

What's the root of it? Do you want to talk about it?

Nobody should hate someone like that, least of all themself. If I can help I want to.

grew up arrogant and selfish and no one liked me

no one ever believed me when i told them something was genuinely difficult, i was never able to convince anyone i was struggling with "common sense" or "basic" things even when they knew what i had
they all assumed it was malice and they refused to listen to me

i live with people who still refuse to listen to me to this day
people who disregard everything i say and just stick with a preconceived notion they are unwilling to question

and i am not in a situation where i can reasonably afford my own house
jobs don't grow on trees

That's pretty bad, alright. Not hopeless. Really difficult, though.

I wasn't sure if you had dysphoria or just had a bad time, and it sounds like the latter.

As far as I'm aware, in order to hate yourself you either need some sort of dysphoria or you need to care about others more than yourself. Given it sounds like you've been in kind of an abusive situation that folks have at least partially convinced you is your fault, that makes some options more difficult; you probably won't want to hurt folks for your benefit even in the situation where they could help you and refuse to. If I'm reading the situation right.

An important thing to know is that if things get worse, they sometimes get better. Homelessness isn't a death sentence; in a lot of cases it pushes someone out of an abusive situation that could be much worse than they realize. Coping with familiar horrors makes them seem smaller. Surviving in a difficult or impossible situation can make it seem natural, so that you might feel like there's something wrong with you that it seems difficult, when it actually is difficult, you just lost perspective for a bit. In that case, you might find liberty in loss, and a chance to rebuild.

It doesn't have to go that way, I just want you to understand that losing your home is not fatal if it comes down to it.

i just want to be able to bring and use my pc and other things
but i know for a fact my family will lay claim to everything i have (possibly including my pc i use to draw) once they kick me out

i am not going to rule out dysphoria(how many bustyboys have i drawn so far?), it can still be a factor, just not the only one

Yeah. I understand. Things could get dire. Are there libraries where you live?

There's a lot of resources for homeless folks, but what is available varies all over, and sometimes it's more discrete.

Eventually you'll be able to get back on your feet, though. Hopefully in a better spot.

If you're in a bigger region, like the United States or the EU, you might be able to travel more freely with nothing holding you back. It can get boring and suck for a while, but it's not forever. Even if you lose everything, you can get new things. It hurts, but you could be happier after you recover.

Honestly, I'd have to know more to be sure, but your family might also not kick you out, and that'd be worse?

In any case, it's not hopeless. But back to the starting point, you shouldn't hate yourself. You described a whole litany of terrible things they're doing, and they're not your fault. You're not bad for not being what they expect, they're doing you badly for expecting unreasonable things, and not accomodating your needs.

I feel bad for them too, really. Folks don't end up like that in a vaccumn. A lot of traditional ideas follow those themes, but they're wrong. It's hard to overcome, sometimes, and it hurts people down the line, like with you. But, the important thing is you are not bad, and shouldn't hate yourself for their sake.

there are two libraries close by, i just have to be up when they're open

i am rarely up when they're open

people don't end up like that in a vacuum, but that goes both ways
if they're putting me through so much, how many abusive ideas have they already normalised that i won't even realise until it's too late?

Yeah. It's not easy. We all make mistakes. Not all of us realize or accept them, and not all of us learn from them.

Heck, I'd say hating yourself is a mistake. I hope you're able to overcome it.

guess i hope so too