teeeeheeeeee
vent time
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I've just noticed in the recent few days, how people just DO SHIT, and never think about others. But I try to be understanding and get out of my way to have a common sense and go by their rules I guess? Does that make sense? I feel like I lack English vocabulary to explain this correctly.
but
I am being too nice, and then suffer from it, either directly or indirectly.

at work we each get a pin code to then unlock a locker for your stuff to be left in, which is randomized every day, bitches log out and don't close their doors. So when I had my shift, I got a locker in a nice spot, that is already full with someone else's belongings? So I try to be nice and log out so that I get a different locker assigned to me randomly, but the new one I got was low to the floor ...... dude I can't!!!! because of my knee injury I can't crouch for too long, I get pain in my knees and bending over for too long also isn't great when I am trying to sort my things out, get dressed and other stuff, idk, writing notes while I am at my locker.
I can't .... this .... I .... I shouldn't have been nice. I should have just kicked that bitches things out. Just so I get my good spot. Because she most likely never even thought about anyone else before she randomly decided to shove her stuff in there. and for people doing this shit, they don't have their pin to get a locker, because they locked themselves out, so they stuff toilet paper into the locker mechanism to prevent locker doors from shutting close.
(this isn't a one time thing, it has happened before, but lately it happened again, right when I was at my worst, and running out of patience and ..... still trying to be nice)

the second time, I had regrets was when my "team" at work collective got dissolved, because I was trying to be too nice and cover for my colleagues, while they kept breaking the rules by talking about forbidden topics at work. ..... Man, I should have snitched so hard. I BET if I would not have been nice and would have snitched, I could have preserved our work rules of comfort and freedom to chit-chat, preserve our work spot and probably things would have been great to this day. I am still very upset about all the restrictions and changes we had to go through because of my colleagues. *slightly sobs*

several times irl I've felt sort of nice and chipper and for the beggars I've seen, I thought "yeah, I can afford to throw in some change for them! I hope it helps!" and then immediately my mood gets ruined because they yell at me "why so little of a change? why not more?" or literally ask for more without sugarcoating it. if I don't have any change, I try to offer to buy food and people seem to ask for a full groceries list. just.... should I be nice like that? it doesn't benefit me and doesn't make me feel any better either way, and I could have used that money for other things :/ ... but like .... if I don't do a good deed, am I a good person?

and even online! No offence to anyone in particular, because this has happened many many multiple times before. People just wanna add me to their friends list on several media places after chatting with me for a brief few minutes. Brutha, I don't know you!!! *sob* The only exception of friends list is like uuuuh if a commissioner cannot reach me?
I just have a hard time trusting new people because also ..... since I've been too nice, I've been taken advantage of to make free stuff for people or do things for them, when I shouldn't have.

F

I hate how my brain works

I should stop being nice
do more self-care .... because who will care about me? other than myself?
do self preservation ... if you will.

//
vent over
I just .... had to dump this somewhere and hope that someone out there reading this also understands my pain.

I hope you have a nice day though!