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Struggling (vent)
5 days ago
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-- CURRENTLY ON HIATUS -- I don't normally like doing this, but I needed to let it out someplace
I've been struggling with depression for the last month or more. It's been a lifelong issue for me, but it's really begun to wear me down recently. It's been a hard year, with family members passing and work becoming increasingly stressful with lack of support. I've wanted to quit for months but it's the best paying job I've ever had and I don't want the stress of job hunting on my plate too right now.
I am exhausted every day, and I keep losing sleep, which is wearing down my physical health. These things come in waves for me so I'm trying to ride it out but it's just been awful. I feel like I'm falling behind everywhere. I can't keep up with friends and I feel like I'm slipping away and the loneliness is crushing me.
I haven't been able to put words on paper for over a month. I can barely put together a coherent idea to actually work on, and I don't have the energy or focus to work on the ideas I do have. I have an idea for a Coyote story, if I can figure out the second half, but if I'm being honest I don't want to pour energy into writing a story that won't get read
I try to tell myself to open up more about my mental health but I hate it. I know I give off the impression of being collected and easygoing but I'm not. I'm always barely holding on. But I mask it because the way I was raised I was chastised for ever showing "bad" emotions. I feel like a failure if I can't have on a happy face when someone needs me. Even now I'm not actually opening up because I already feel bad enough for doing this much.
But I'll be okay. I just need more tape to keep it together
I've been struggling with depression for the last month or more. It's been a lifelong issue for me, but it's really begun to wear me down recently. It's been a hard year, with family members passing and work becoming increasingly stressful with lack of support. I've wanted to quit for months but it's the best paying job I've ever had and I don't want the stress of job hunting on my plate too right now.
I am exhausted every day, and I keep losing sleep, which is wearing down my physical health. These things come in waves for me so I'm trying to ride it out but it's just been awful. I feel like I'm falling behind everywhere. I can't keep up with friends and I feel like I'm slipping away and the loneliness is crushing me.
I haven't been able to put words on paper for over a month. I can barely put together a coherent idea to actually work on, and I don't have the energy or focus to work on the ideas I do have. I have an idea for a Coyote story, if I can figure out the second half, but if I'm being honest I don't want to pour energy into writing a story that won't get read
I try to tell myself to open up more about my mental health but I hate it. I know I give off the impression of being collected and easygoing but I'm not. I'm always barely holding on. But I mask it because the way I was raised I was chastised for ever showing "bad" emotions. I feel like a failure if I can't have on a happy face when someone needs me. Even now I'm not actually opening up because I already feel bad enough for doing this much.
But I'll be okay. I just need more tape to keep it together
Sometimes just releasing the pressure can help, hopefully it does
I'm around to support you as well, and it's alright!
I do hope things look up for you and try to take care!
I'm grateful and proud of you for sharing, it's incredibly difficult to open up, but you've done nothing wrong and however we can, the community is here for you, is grateful you're here, and for all that you create and share!
I know what depression is like. Just know we all are here for you.
^.^
Don't feel bad about talking about your emotions. I was afraid for a long time not to talk about feeling down, because I felt like I burdened other people with my thoughts and feelings. But nowadays I understand that we all have our highs and our lows, and friends and family are there for you, even when you're at your lowest.
You certainly do more writing than I do! I used to write a few stories here and there, but never really got much traction, and the interest faded a bit. But, I still like to write here and there and still enjoy the art of the written word :) I think your stories are great! Sadly we live in a time, and exist in a fandom, that doesn't value written word as much, instead preferring instant visual gratification. But there are those out there that appreciate what you contribute <3
Make a list of the problems and projects you want to address, and try to limit yourself to those. Finish or address all of them as best you can, one at a time, before starting new ones -- slowly knocking things off the to-do list has helped me a lot. I recommend actually writing it out, too. Being able to actually see your progress can help with the mental part.
If you really aren't happy with your job, I would strongly consider hunting now, rather than after you quit. The less time you spend there, the better, but it's better to have that safety net while looking. No rules against it, and it's fine if it's a little slower, too. Most prospective employers will understand.
Remember that IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. Bottling it up will only make it explode later. Its okay to lean on others too. As someone who struggles a lot to ask anyone for help or open up about my own struggles, I get it, but its so so so important. You do not have to endure this alone <3