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I've done something awful.
15 years ago
I've hurt someone very dear to me tonight. Dio, my online Mommy, someone who has been my figure of feminine affection for years now.
I won't go into details. I'm not going to make this into some online blog sob story, I just feel this needs to be stated.
I broke a promise with Dio. I have never broken a promise with anyone online before. Despite the accepted lackluster treatment of one person to another through the annonimity of the internet, I've tried to hold myself to a standard where my word could always be trusted with the people I know online, because that's the only true piece of value that exists in the web of me.
I broke my promise because I felt... felt something good would come out of it. I felt truth would make things better than secrecy. I do not mean to make an excuse for myself, however. I did something reprehensible, knowing that Dio would be hurt if I did so, and I do not wish to make it seem any better or any worse than what it is.
I still love Dio; I do not believe she still loves me. I fully accept that as the consequences of my actions.
For now... for now I will keep her pictures up in my gallery, as reminders of my love for her. She is still a dear dear friend to me, regardless of whether she is my Momma or not, or even if she despises me or not. I care for her health, and her happiness in life, even if it does not come from me.
I think, in the end, I expected too much of her, and at the same time I was quiet about things that I felt would only hurt her if I spoke to her about them. I am a weak, fallable person, but I continue to stand by my decision. I don't deserve to try to backtrack in hopes of regaining her love.
Dio, if you read this... feel however you wish to feel. I know we cannot be child and mother, not after what i've done. But I still consider you my friend, one of my dearest and closest. If we could give up our former relationship and just continue on as friends... I would consider myself blessed. I think, as friends, I could be a much better person to you.
We'll always have the fireplace.
Zen
I won't go into details. I'm not going to make this into some online blog sob story, I just feel this needs to be stated.
I broke a promise with Dio. I have never broken a promise with anyone online before. Despite the accepted lackluster treatment of one person to another through the annonimity of the internet, I've tried to hold myself to a standard where my word could always be trusted with the people I know online, because that's the only true piece of value that exists in the web of me.
I broke my promise because I felt... felt something good would come out of it. I felt truth would make things better than secrecy. I do not mean to make an excuse for myself, however. I did something reprehensible, knowing that Dio would be hurt if I did so, and I do not wish to make it seem any better or any worse than what it is.
I still love Dio; I do not believe she still loves me. I fully accept that as the consequences of my actions.
For now... for now I will keep her pictures up in my gallery, as reminders of my love for her. She is still a dear dear friend to me, regardless of whether she is my Momma or not, or even if she despises me or not. I care for her health, and her happiness in life, even if it does not come from me.
I think, in the end, I expected too much of her, and at the same time I was quiet about things that I felt would only hurt her if I spoke to her about them. I am a weak, fallable person, but I continue to stand by my decision. I don't deserve to try to backtrack in hopes of regaining her love.
Dio, if you read this... feel however you wish to feel. I know we cannot be child and mother, not after what i've done. But I still consider you my friend, one of my dearest and closest. If we could give up our former relationship and just continue on as friends... I would consider myself blessed. I think, as friends, I could be a much better person to you.
We'll always have the fireplace.
Zen
I know you're not in the mood for it tonight, but tomorrow, we'll find some time to comfort sweet little you. You deserve it, from me especially.
Don't beat yourself up so much, Zen. And try to sleep well.
Not only did you say what you did but you tryed to validated it, make reason for it, make it look like its my fault that you made the desision that you did?
It only happened tonight and seeing how great the situation is because of who you involved, if I where you I wouldent hold my breath. Im deaply hurt and I cry because the one pup ive been mothering for over 6 years now decided to do what he did... say what he did...
I did what I thought was neccessary. I tried to say what I had been wanting to say for a very long time. that's all.
I hurt you by keeping my feelings from you. I've rarely mistreated someone I care for in such a manner. I am sorry.
You aren't the bad guy, and never were. I was, and am.
There is a reason I havent mentioned what happened in my previouse post.
Im too proud and stubourn for this to wash over so quickly, So again this is going to take a while to resolve, but to clarify, I do wish it resolved.
I can not say anything further about the matter without any details, but I offer a shoulder to cry on, and a paw to hold until you feel better.