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My Brain Lately
15 years ago
¨°¤««‡†Live life and take up space. Make your presence known, if only to prove that you were here†‡»»¤°¨ has been horribly cruel to me.
I woke up today in a start. A panic really. My heart was pounding and my immediate thought/emotion was "Oh no!"
It's so weird to wake up like that. I've had this happen for years. It is so tiring, so draining physically, mentally and emotionally.
I've been laying in bed here. For about and hour or so I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. My mind was (and still is) racing with the overwhelming amount of things I have to do and have to worry about. This weight and burden on my mind and heart makes me want to cry right now
I don't feel like typing any more about it. I just thought perhaps writing this out and putting the thoughts in my mind down would help calm my mind. I think it is, so now I'll talk about what's on my mind, and not just what it's doing to me. My mind is an evil active thing. A tea kettle that has far too much pressure built up over far too much time.
First off, verbal diarrhea so I don't forget what I'm talking about. I've been musing over what's happened over the last few days, what's going to happen over the next few days and what's going to happen in the distant future. I'm fretting over it all. *deep breath, calm down* So, I had my first art show last night. I got my papers back from the paper making workshop this past Saturday. I've officially finished all winter term classes except the final exam for Psychology which I take Thursday. I have to ace this exam. I am riding a very thin line between a C and a D for this class. Getting a D would end in me getting under a 2.0 for the semester (I think) and that would be bad. I have to admit, the entire semester, I opened the book only to cram for exams. I showed up to perhaps half the lectures. I was not into it. I really need to shake myself out of this. I can't keep letting my performance slip. This ties into so many areas of my life. My perspective is just off. Anyway. By Friday I leave for my NYC workshop. That has my stomach in a knot. I'm an anxious traveler. I need to start getting ready right now. That's the only thing that will keep me sane for the trip. I think I'll try to limit myself to one backpack, a purse and a small suitcase. All I need is a weeks worth of clothes and art supplies. Literally the day I get back from NYC I start my Spring term classes. Crazy man. So there's not much of a break for me here any time soon. And it's sounding more and more like my summer might not be spent the way I was planing. I just had an instructor come to me and mention connecting me with a company in Portland who deal in animatronics as a lot of my physical computing projects have deal with control of servos and mechanical movement and I've mentioned countless times being interested in animatronics. I'm going to email him to get the company's name so I can research what they're into. Apparently there was a student before who did an internship with them so he's going to check into it for me after spring break. Hot fucking damn what an opportunity! I'm stoked! I have to email my instructor from this semester and get him to send me copies of the video and photos he took of my projects so I can upload them to my blog in case I need to show them off in the near future. I'm super stoked about all this, but also super nervous. I'm no mechanical genius. I am a very late bloomer and there is so much I have to learn. I'm worried the internship may be over my head. But I'm no about to pass up a huge opportunity like that just because I'm worried about not being good enough. I'll let them decide if I'm good enough for them, in the mean time I will continue to learn as much as I can. I'm really lucky to have Dale here to help me. I just need to have faith in myself. Considering I had not even touched code until a year ago, I'd say I've come a long way. But I certainly can go farther!
Wow, this whole journaling thing really works. I feel better already. I just need to set out a to-do list for myself so I can be calm and lay out my game plan for the rest of the week and I should be fine. *smile* I'll try to remember to come back later to talk about the paper making, Arduino, Isadora and other art-related ideas I've been brooding over. God damn I have SO many ideas on what I want to do. Too many.
I woke up today in a start. A panic really. My heart was pounding and my immediate thought/emotion was "Oh no!"
It's so weird to wake up like that. I've had this happen for years. It is so tiring, so draining physically, mentally and emotionally.
I've been laying in bed here. For about and hour or so I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. My mind was (and still is) racing with the overwhelming amount of things I have to do and have to worry about. This weight and burden on my mind and heart makes me want to cry right now
I don't feel like typing any more about it. I just thought perhaps writing this out and putting the thoughts in my mind down would help calm my mind. I think it is, so now I'll talk about what's on my mind, and not just what it's doing to me. My mind is an evil active thing. A tea kettle that has far too much pressure built up over far too much time.
First off, verbal diarrhea so I don't forget what I'm talking about. I've been musing over what's happened over the last few days, what's going to happen over the next few days and what's going to happen in the distant future. I'm fretting over it all. *deep breath, calm down* So, I had my first art show last night. I got my papers back from the paper making workshop this past Saturday. I've officially finished all winter term classes except the final exam for Psychology which I take Thursday. I have to ace this exam. I am riding a very thin line between a C and a D for this class. Getting a D would end in me getting under a 2.0 for the semester (I think) and that would be bad. I have to admit, the entire semester, I opened the book only to cram for exams. I showed up to perhaps half the lectures. I was not into it. I really need to shake myself out of this. I can't keep letting my performance slip. This ties into so many areas of my life. My perspective is just off. Anyway. By Friday I leave for my NYC workshop. That has my stomach in a knot. I'm an anxious traveler. I need to start getting ready right now. That's the only thing that will keep me sane for the trip. I think I'll try to limit myself to one backpack, a purse and a small suitcase. All I need is a weeks worth of clothes and art supplies. Literally the day I get back from NYC I start my Spring term classes. Crazy man. So there's not much of a break for me here any time soon. And it's sounding more and more like my summer might not be spent the way I was planing. I just had an instructor come to me and mention connecting me with a company in Portland who deal in animatronics as a lot of my physical computing projects have deal with control of servos and mechanical movement and I've mentioned countless times being interested in animatronics. I'm going to email him to get the company's name so I can research what they're into. Apparently there was a student before who did an internship with them so he's going to check into it for me after spring break. Hot fucking damn what an opportunity! I'm stoked! I have to email my instructor from this semester and get him to send me copies of the video and photos he took of my projects so I can upload them to my blog in case I need to show them off in the near future. I'm super stoked about all this, but also super nervous. I'm no mechanical genius. I am a very late bloomer and there is so much I have to learn. I'm worried the internship may be over my head. But I'm no about to pass up a huge opportunity like that just because I'm worried about not being good enough. I'll let them decide if I'm good enough for them, in the mean time I will continue to learn as much as I can. I'm really lucky to have Dale here to help me. I just need to have faith in myself. Considering I had not even touched code until a year ago, I'd say I've come a long way. But I certainly can go farther!
Wow, this whole journaling thing really works. I feel better already. I just need to set out a to-do list for myself so I can be calm and lay out my game plan for the rest of the week and I should be fine. *smile* I'll try to remember to come back later to talk about the paper making, Arduino, Isadora and other art-related ideas I've been brooding over. God damn I have SO many ideas on what I want to do. Too many.
Unless you're like... some kinda kamikaze friend terrorist.
OH SHIT IT'S A BOMB!
*hugs and grins* I really don't know why everything in life feels like such a big deal life-or-death event, but you are right, in the end, not being alone is what matters and I have a group of amazingly supportive people around me who I think I'd be completely lost without. Thanks for being one of them.
I bet you didn't do as bad as you think. People seem to often times overestimate bad performances and with a group size that big, (most of which were graduate students who stood in your shoes in the past) I'm sure they understand what that kind of pressure can do.
If you can make yourself focus on one objective at a time, and look at each objective as a series of small tasks, it'll make them seem much less daunting. Either way, I hope you can relax and enjoy yourself in NYC. It'd be such a pity to have yourself so wound up through such a unique experience.
I am extremely nervous at this point. I'm an anxious traveler though, so this always happens. But, I am so looking forward to this, it's great! I have my to do list and hopefully I'll stick close enough to it to make sure I don't get behind on things, (Like messaging you back before it's too late, or calling my family to let them know what the heck is up). =P
but yeah, journaling ftw. I find the physical act of writing more helpful, but typing can be hypnotic with its rhythms.