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Alcohol.
15 years ago
NOTE: I wrote this Sunday morning, but due to lacking internet issues, am just posting it now.
So I had my first experience with alcohol last night. I came to the self realization that I no longer cared about being different for the sake of being different. And thats pretty much the only reason I had never tried it before now. And after having tried it, I dont personally feel its all everyone cracks it up to be. I guess I was kinda hoping for something to take my mind away, or something to that effect. It's currently 7:30 am, and I've been up for the past hour+, unable to sleep. I would think that after not getting enough sleep friday night, and then being up till like 3:30 while consuming intoxicating beverages, would make me pass out like nobody's business. Unfortunately not the case. I slept very intermittently, and every time I woke, I would go get water, because I know alcohol has a dehydrating effect upon your system. So I had about 4 hours of fitfull sleep, to wake up tired, but unable to sleep. A fairly frustrating feeling overall.
8:30 Now. The reason this is going to be posted later in the day, is that the internet is out, and a tech is coming in a few hours to fix it. But I guess I'm in a cleaning mood right now? Just did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and living room (as much as I could without waking someone), and was sorely tempted to work on getting my car clean except that it was raining. I have a pretty clear memory of everything that happened last night, and don't think I did anything too worrisome. Altho I did kinda put a hole/dent in the bathroom wall... but there was a spider, so it's totally justified. I'm pretty sure there will be video or pictures of last night around somewhere, I'll try and post a couple.
I greatly wish I was better able to express my feelings some times. Or even talk about them. I'm a fairly guarded individual when it comes to discussing things of import to myself. I guess it could possibly stem from the fact that I used to put on all sorts of different faces/masks for different people. Being who that person wanted me to be, but since I was someone different to so many people, actually putting down the happenings of my life in a journal, or even discussing them with people, would run the risk of me forgetting the details of each mask and exposing the entirety of the false fascade.
Tho... I don't feel the need for the masks anymore. I'm starting to be able to just... be me. And now, I want to find someone else I can be just me with. I have been getting very strong pangs of lonliness recently, which is never fun. I think I'm coming to a place in my life that I want it to not be 'my life' but 'our life'. I'm a very strong romantic, and just... have never had anyone to be romantic with. And I'm working on changing that, and there are a few hurtles I have to cross before that point, but I feel like its getting close. So I just hope I don't have to wait too long, even tho I know thats the probability.
So I had my first experience with alcohol last night. I came to the self realization that I no longer cared about being different for the sake of being different. And thats pretty much the only reason I had never tried it before now. And after having tried it, I dont personally feel its all everyone cracks it up to be. I guess I was kinda hoping for something to take my mind away, or something to that effect. It's currently 7:30 am, and I've been up for the past hour+, unable to sleep. I would think that after not getting enough sleep friday night, and then being up till like 3:30 while consuming intoxicating beverages, would make me pass out like nobody's business. Unfortunately not the case. I slept very intermittently, and every time I woke, I would go get water, because I know alcohol has a dehydrating effect upon your system. So I had about 4 hours of fitfull sleep, to wake up tired, but unable to sleep. A fairly frustrating feeling overall.
8:30 Now. The reason this is going to be posted later in the day, is that the internet is out, and a tech is coming in a few hours to fix it. But I guess I'm in a cleaning mood right now? Just did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and living room (as much as I could without waking someone), and was sorely tempted to work on getting my car clean except that it was raining. I have a pretty clear memory of everything that happened last night, and don't think I did anything too worrisome. Altho I did kinda put a hole/dent in the bathroom wall... but there was a spider, so it's totally justified. I'm pretty sure there will be video or pictures of last night around somewhere, I'll try and post a couple.
I greatly wish I was better able to express my feelings some times. Or even talk about them. I'm a fairly guarded individual when it comes to discussing things of import to myself. I guess it could possibly stem from the fact that I used to put on all sorts of different faces/masks for different people. Being who that person wanted me to be, but since I was someone different to so many people, actually putting down the happenings of my life in a journal, or even discussing them with people, would run the risk of me forgetting the details of each mask and exposing the entirety of the false fascade.
Tho... I don't feel the need for the masks anymore. I'm starting to be able to just... be me. And now, I want to find someone else I can be just me with. I have been getting very strong pangs of lonliness recently, which is never fun. I think I'm coming to a place in my life that I want it to not be 'my life' but 'our life'. I'm a very strong romantic, and just... have never had anyone to be romantic with. And I'm working on changing that, and there are a few hurtles I have to cross before that point, but I feel like its getting close. So I just hope I don't have to wait too long, even tho I know thats the probability.
...feel better woofie.