FA+
Shop
I have changed.
14 years ago
How do you reconnect with someone when you are no longer the person they once knew?
I was just looking at my list of contacts for IM and realized that the Orion that most of them knew is no longer the one sitting on this side of the computer. Is it worth the effort to try to talk with someone again, to relearn each other, when there was no more than a passing acquaintanceship between us?
One aspect of the self-worth I placed in myself was the amount of people who knew my name. So I would contact and talk with many people, just brief touches of acknowledgement on occasion. Others I would have hours of talking with. But the talking was not the true weighing of each others merits, because I was always fearful that if I let other people in too far they would realize the true extent to which I am boring.
At the peak, I had over 800 IM contacts, 200+ of which I knew and could strike up a conversation with to some extent.
But now... I look at the list and see strangers. People who I do not know, and who no longer have even a glimmer of me. Because I have finally shed the masks that had made up the image of Orion that everyone else saw. I never truly got to know the people I was chatting with, because I did not care to. It was a selfish aspect to me, that I talked with others to keep myself entertained instead of using the contact to build each other into better individuals.
I come to realize this after finding very little basis to restart what conversations I once had. But it is not with regret that I am making this posting, for while it was of such importance to me years past my life has in truth moved onward. Once the acceptance and attention of strangers was all I sought from my actions, transitory though it may be.
But this day, the smile of my love is all I require from life. For she has patiently worked to allow me to remove the facades that had become almost intrinsic to whom I was. This gift which she has given me I do not know if I can ever repay. How do you repay the giving back of your life, except to forever dedicate your life to them? And this I do gladly, giving myself to Courtney.
I end this now, because it is rather hard to type while crying, no matter the tears are of happiness.
Orion
I was just looking at my list of contacts for IM and realized that the Orion that most of them knew is no longer the one sitting on this side of the computer. Is it worth the effort to try to talk with someone again, to relearn each other, when there was no more than a passing acquaintanceship between us?
One aspect of the self-worth I placed in myself was the amount of people who knew my name. So I would contact and talk with many people, just brief touches of acknowledgement on occasion. Others I would have hours of talking with. But the talking was not the true weighing of each others merits, because I was always fearful that if I let other people in too far they would realize the true extent to which I am boring.
At the peak, I had over 800 IM contacts, 200+ of which I knew and could strike up a conversation with to some extent.
But now... I look at the list and see strangers. People who I do not know, and who no longer have even a glimmer of me. Because I have finally shed the masks that had made up the image of Orion that everyone else saw. I never truly got to know the people I was chatting with, because I did not care to. It was a selfish aspect to me, that I talked with others to keep myself entertained instead of using the contact to build each other into better individuals.
I come to realize this after finding very little basis to restart what conversations I once had. But it is not with regret that I am making this posting, for while it was of such importance to me years past my life has in truth moved onward. Once the acceptance and attention of strangers was all I sought from my actions, transitory though it may be.
But this day, the smile of my love is all I require from life. For she has patiently worked to allow me to remove the facades that had become almost intrinsic to whom I was. This gift which she has given me I do not know if I can ever repay. How do you repay the giving back of your life, except to forever dedicate your life to them? And this I do gladly, giving myself to Courtney.
I end this now, because it is rather hard to type while crying, no matter the tears are of happiness.
Orion
We constantly learn and grow. I know I have and I know I'm continuing to do so. Friends, acquaintances, and strangers will come and go with each passing day.
I find your revelation inspiring yet emotionally sound.
Anyway I'm running out of what little sagely knowledge I have. Take care.
~Nekka
As for changing and growing into a new person, that happens with EVERYONE! It saddens some, brings joy to others, but keeps the world turning.
Now at least for ME I doubt you'd change much from MY vision of you... the guy that somehow picked out the lonely awkward girl at her first furry con ever, and asked her to help him set up his coat of badges. It made my entire "furry life" a bit better, just knowing that good kind strangers float among the drama-filled hate machines.
-Rod
cheers as well as im happy you found some one in your life that has brought out an inner knowing of your self.
Hope to have that awesome random call again and hopefully in a future hopefully not to far away I'll be able to visit you.