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The painful realization of Duality
15 years ago
General
Everyone knows how there's at least two sides to everything. Here's Duality from my end of life.
The Air Force took everything from me. Gave me nothing. Now I've worked my way up to comfortable living in a furnished dormitory (apartment, basically) with a roommate.
Not always the best of things, ensuing arguments, and privacy issues, because my schedule is made for me by the air force.... yeah.... normal adult life. I'm here at home, now, marveling at what it is I used to have.... and crying so hard inside, because I can never have but a single taste of it every now and again. I know I made the right choice, but what I left behind was the most important thing I've ever known: Friends. And not only that... Here... home.... it's the only place I've ever had any friends. Back in Tech Training, I felt so alienated and alone, because I couldn't find anyone who was really my friend. All I ever found was someone that I could talk to for maybe two days. Then the work week came, and it turned out they were in a different squadron. They'd never keep in touch. That's why I was so thankful when I got my second roommate (the first had moved in with a friend). I found out that he and I could/did spend countless hours of the night talking about some of the most personal and secret things we knew. Finally... someone I can talk to in order to let my emotions calm.
And now... I'm never gonna see him again. Training's over. He's going somewhere else. So... Another possible great friendship, right down the toilet. Nothing I can do.
On the good side, there were things I did there that I had never done until then, and they were great. Maybe reckless, stupid, absolutely horrendous things, but hey, I'm finally in the stage of my life were I can experiment with anything I want, because for once in my life, no one's here to stop me. I've done a few of the things I always wanted to try, to see what the hype was. Some were bogus, some weren't. Live and learn, so I will. Now I'm home, and I've been seeing everyone and catching up and doing what I used to. Loving the fact that I can have what I always did, just for one more week. Hating that it's at its end.
I don't want to go back. -sigh- but I'm better than that. I'm an adult, right? so I'm gonna keep playing the game, as I always have, and inside I can remember that no matter what goes on amongst the world and my job, it changes nothing within me, and each night, when I get to my room, I can make sure to keep on the path I chose.
The Air Force took everything from me. Gave me nothing. Now I've worked my way up to comfortable living in a furnished dormitory (apartment, basically) with a roommate.
Not always the best of things, ensuing arguments, and privacy issues, because my schedule is made for me by the air force.... yeah.... normal adult life. I'm here at home, now, marveling at what it is I used to have.... and crying so hard inside, because I can never have but a single taste of it every now and again. I know I made the right choice, but what I left behind was the most important thing I've ever known: Friends. And not only that... Here... home.... it's the only place I've ever had any friends. Back in Tech Training, I felt so alienated and alone, because I couldn't find anyone who was really my friend. All I ever found was someone that I could talk to for maybe two days. Then the work week came, and it turned out they were in a different squadron. They'd never keep in touch. That's why I was so thankful when I got my second roommate (the first had moved in with a friend). I found out that he and I could/did spend countless hours of the night talking about some of the most personal and secret things we knew. Finally... someone I can talk to in order to let my emotions calm.
And now... I'm never gonna see him again. Training's over. He's going somewhere else. So... Another possible great friendship, right down the toilet. Nothing I can do.
On the good side, there were things I did there that I had never done until then, and they were great. Maybe reckless, stupid, absolutely horrendous things, but hey, I'm finally in the stage of my life were I can experiment with anything I want, because for once in my life, no one's here to stop me. I've done a few of the things I always wanted to try, to see what the hype was. Some were bogus, some weren't. Live and learn, so I will. Now I'm home, and I've been seeing everyone and catching up and doing what I used to. Loving the fact that I can have what I always did, just for one more week. Hating that it's at its end.
I don't want to go back. -sigh- but I'm better than that. I'm an adult, right? so I'm gonna keep playing the game, as I always have, and inside I can remember that no matter what goes on amongst the world and my job, it changes nothing within me, and each night, when I get to my room, I can make sure to keep on the path I chose.
(I know I haven't been on IM much lately, but my phone is on me almost 24/7. I'm busy as usual, you know the drill, but I always try to make time for my friends.)