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A Depressing Journal Entry About My Relation To Others
15 years ago
General
Recommended Listening
dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip - Waiting for the Beat to Kick In
Even the nicest of guys have some nasty within' 'em
You don't have to be backlit to be the villain
Whether it's greed, lust or plain vindictiveness
There's a level of malevolence inside of all of us
Because I can't think of a better or more descriptive title.
As of the last few days I've been in a very sombre mood, becoming increasingly depressed, increasingly feeling bored and alone. Until tonight, when I got a sudden burst of anger, a seemingly brief period where every little thing annoyed the hell out of me, I wanted to hurt people (and really, I've done that quite a lot in the past, I could get done for all sorts of domestic abuse...)
For the past several months I've felt like I've been drifting in and out of the fandom, my social circles have been dwindling to the extent that I barely talk to more than a few people a day.
Oh, and rangethebeagle and me just broke up while I was writing this. Great.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been feeling increasingly alone and isolated. I get the feeling that most people don't want to talk to me, so I don't try and force them to. And when they ask how I am, I'll always say I'm fine, no matter how terrible I feel.
Everyone I know always gets on better with someone else, I'm always that "other" person, the one who's in the background. I don't have a best friend of any sort. I don't even have as many good friends, and I find them aggravating with increasing regularity.
Why's that? Because of inferiority, I'm constantly being bullied and made a fool off by my so called "friends" - I realise it is usually in jest or for some sarcastic humour - but I get the same treatment everywhere I go. It doesn't matter be they family, friend or foe, it seems like everyone is always trying to degrade me or make me feel inferior. It grates horribly. And even if it's for a laugh, it's not funny any more.
It's annoying too when people I know have an issue and they get piles of sympathy and/or money thrown at them by various other people I know, and yet the same treatment would never come if I was in the same or similar trouble. That's not a guess of any sort, I know it won't happen, because it never has when I've needed it.
As of the last few days I've been in a very sombre mood, becoming increasingly depressed, increasingly feeling bored and alone. Until tonight, when I got a sudden burst of anger, a seemingly brief period where every little thing annoyed the hell out of me, I wanted to hurt people (and really, I've done that quite a lot in the past, I could get done for all sorts of domestic abuse...)
For the past several months I've felt like I've been drifting in and out of the fandom, my social circles have been dwindling to the extent that I barely talk to more than a few people a day.
Oh, and rangethebeagle and me just broke up while I was writing this. Great.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been feeling increasingly alone and isolated. I get the feeling that most people don't want to talk to me, so I don't try and force them to. And when they ask how I am, I'll always say I'm fine, no matter how terrible I feel.
Everyone I know always gets on better with someone else, I'm always that "other" person, the one who's in the background. I don't have a best friend of any sort. I don't even have as many good friends, and I find them aggravating with increasing regularity.
Why's that? Because of inferiority, I'm constantly being bullied and made a fool off by my so called "friends" - I realise it is usually in jest or for some sarcastic humour - but I get the same treatment everywhere I go. It doesn't matter be they family, friend or foe, it seems like everyone is always trying to degrade me or make me feel inferior. It grates horribly. And even if it's for a laugh, it's not funny any more.
It's annoying too when people I know have an issue and they get piles of sympathy and/or money thrown at them by various other people I know, and yet the same treatment would never come if I was in the same or similar trouble. That's not a guess of any sort, I know it won't happen, because it never has when I've needed it.
Lately I too have been feeling rather detached and alone in life. with little to no people to turn to for comfort.
I feel for ya.
*he hugs ya*
|P
I think everyone gets that treatment wherever they go. I'm pretty sure I'm taking the constant micky out of my friends, much in the same way that they do to me. Harmless banter, the way I see it.
I can't speak for others, but I certainly know I miss seeing a lot of you UK folk on a frequent basis. Not only do timezones provide a horrible gap in the times when we'll all be around, but I'm also busy as hell with work most of the time these days.
Know that you can fire off an e-mail or a note to me anytime you'd like, and if you see me online anywhere, I'll try to talk for as long as I can. ^^ Fatbats are good company, after all.
Yeah, totally alike, if you're blind.
I know that's right for me too. He heat makes me ill, stops me from sleeping and makes me irritable. Add that on top of my constant fluctuating depression, and you've got another very unhappy bunny.
I think you may see your social life be rejuvinated once people get away from the family 'summer' idiocy that's bound to go on, and settle back into university housing, and look for more things to do.
You can do your own part too, start some conversations, go find people, try and hang around?
I dunno. It depends on how precisely oyour social circle is degrading.
As for the humour. Yes. I know, I get hurt a lot by that too. 'Friends' group up, some don't care, and that's fine. Some, like us, do. I am incredibly anxious in social situations so sarcasm or not, silly sarcastic being made fun of or scrutiny really hits hard. So I know how you feel.
I know how you feel somewhat with the parents too.
I used to live with my mother (parents seperated), needless to say she was a control freak. Always wanted me to go to this private school, get perfect grades.
If I did the littlest thing wrong, no matter what, I couldn't visit my Dad (who I adore spending time with) over the weekends.
Well, I got depressed, got fed up, even as a child, started to lose my will to even try. Because they would always want more.
In the end, my mother flipped out and I told her i'd never do anything for her again, and that she was unreasonable and ruining my life.
I trust you don';t recieve anything quite so extreme, but the feeling is still the same. It's the dangling carrot, always way out of reach, and they expect you to fly.
People are unfair, and as a human, I apologise.
And I'm sorry about you and Range.
Ethan.
Sometimes, things in life are bad. But in these times you should not focus on the bad. Always look at the glass half-full. Count your blessings, not your failings. See that your life does have wonder to it, you just have to see it.
Finally, remember that being down and depressed does nothing. If you stand firm among everything, and you live on despite hurt and heartbreak, then you shall stand victorious.
That's really all I have to say, apart from, I hope you feel better soon :3
Oh, and have a listen to Monty Python's 'Always look on the bright side of life'. Always cheers me up ;3