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I am a psychopath
15 years ago
General
Recommended Listening
dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip - Waiting for the Beat to Kick In
Even the nicest of guys have some nasty within' 'em
You don't have to be backlit to be the villain
Whether it's greed, lust or plain vindictiveness
There's a level of malevolence inside of all of us
There are 20 traits that are common in most psychopaths, 8 are emotionally related, 10 are socially related, and 2 are miscellaneous.
I am often accused of being a hypochondriac, and I probably am, but first allow me to give an assessment before everyone tells me to shut up and actually go to a psychiatrist.
The emotional traits
Grandiose sense of self worth: I frequently enjoy random daydreams about how I shall destroy the rest of humanity and it's horrible little existence. No really, I do.
Manipulative: Ahaha, I can try saying I'm not, but some people would beg to differ. You know, I only became friends with some people because I could get stuff out of them, won't say who thought, teehee~
Lack of remorse: After reading that last one, do you really think I feel guilty about it? Do you ever notice how I never say sorry?
Lack of empathy: Did you ever notice how I don't really give a damn that your grandparent or pet has just died? Because I never do.
Emotionally shallow: The only emotions I have are anger and contempt. And depression, if that's an emotion.
Superficial charm: I'm good at this, hell, I'm pretty much permanently in a state of extreme happiness on the outside, regardless of how much I hate and want to kill you inside.
Pathological lying: I did that a lot when I was younger (I once bit someone on the shoulder and said that I fell over with my mouth open), not so much now, except when I do.
Failure to accept responsibility for actions: I personally think I tend to take responsibility, everyone who knows me would say otherwise, especially my mother when concerning missing food.
The social traits
Impulsiveness: I missed a bus home a few weeks ago, so decided to get on a different bus that took 2-3 hours to go all the way around south and central Manchester in the middle of the evening instead. Luckily, that bus (of which the number I hadn't bothered to check before getting on) stopped a mile or so away from my house anyway.
Irresponsibility: I'd like to think I'm responsible most of the time - then again I have a critical exam in four days that I have done literally no revision for. That's not wholly responsible, I guess.
Proneness to boredom: Just follow me on Twitter, you'll find that I'm bored pretty much 24/7. The fact that I am so stupidly bored/boring is one of the reasons I chose the name "Grey" in the first place.
Parasitic lifestyle: I owe a lot of people a lot of money. Yesterday I got dinner by pointing at someone I knew and saying "Buy me a sandwich" -- which they did. Awesome.
Lack of realistic and long term life goals: My current goals right now consist of getting into university by passing A-level exams. Long term for me seems to last the span of about two months.
Poor behavioural control: Does compulsively kicking people in the face because they're annoying me count as good control? I've done that before... often.
Promiscuous sexual behaviour: Check my chatlogs, that's all you need to know.
Juvenile delinquency: Finally something I can say an outright no to, I'm a law-abiding citizen once you cut out those few cases of truancy.
Regular re-offending of criminal activity: As above.
Behavioural problems in early youth: How the hell should I know?
Miscellaneous traits
Several short-term marital relationships: I've had a few short-term relationships, none were marital in nature however.
Versatility: Typically meant in the criminal sense (ability to commit several varied crimes), I'm again law-abiding, but I am decidedly versatile. I'm a jack-of-all-trades at a whole lot of useless skills.
So, I got 17 or 18 out of 20 there. Can I be taken to the crazy house yet?
I am often accused of being a hypochondriac, and I probably am, but first allow me to give an assessment before everyone tells me to shut up and actually go to a psychiatrist.
The emotional traits
Grandiose sense of self worth: I frequently enjoy random daydreams about how I shall destroy the rest of humanity and it's horrible little existence. No really, I do.
Manipulative: Ahaha, I can try saying I'm not, but some people would beg to differ. You know, I only became friends with some people because I could get stuff out of them, won't say who thought, teehee~
Lack of remorse: After reading that last one, do you really think I feel guilty about it? Do you ever notice how I never say sorry?
Lack of empathy: Did you ever notice how I don't really give a damn that your grandparent or pet has just died? Because I never do.
Emotionally shallow: The only emotions I have are anger and contempt. And depression, if that's an emotion.
Superficial charm: I'm good at this, hell, I'm pretty much permanently in a state of extreme happiness on the outside, regardless of how much I hate and want to kill you inside.
Pathological lying: I did that a lot when I was younger (I once bit someone on the shoulder and said that I fell over with my mouth open), not so much now, except when I do.
Failure to accept responsibility for actions: I personally think I tend to take responsibility, everyone who knows me would say otherwise, especially my mother when concerning missing food.
The social traits
Impulsiveness: I missed a bus home a few weeks ago, so decided to get on a different bus that took 2-3 hours to go all the way around south and central Manchester in the middle of the evening instead. Luckily, that bus (of which the number I hadn't bothered to check before getting on) stopped a mile or so away from my house anyway.
Irresponsibility: I'd like to think I'm responsible most of the time - then again I have a critical exam in four days that I have done literally no revision for. That's not wholly responsible, I guess.
Proneness to boredom: Just follow me on Twitter, you'll find that I'm bored pretty much 24/7. The fact that I am so stupidly bored/boring is one of the reasons I chose the name "Grey" in the first place.
Parasitic lifestyle: I owe a lot of people a lot of money. Yesterday I got dinner by pointing at someone I knew and saying "Buy me a sandwich" -- which they did. Awesome.
Lack of realistic and long term life goals: My current goals right now consist of getting into university by passing A-level exams. Long term for me seems to last the span of about two months.
Poor behavioural control: Does compulsively kicking people in the face because they're annoying me count as good control? I've done that before... often.
Promiscuous sexual behaviour: Check my chatlogs, that's all you need to know.
Juvenile delinquency: Finally something I can say an outright no to, I'm a law-abiding citizen once you cut out those few cases of truancy.
Regular re-offending of criminal activity: As above.
Behavioural problems in early youth: How the hell should I know?
Miscellaneous traits
Several short-term marital relationships: I've had a few short-term relationships, none were marital in nature however.
Versatility: Typically meant in the criminal sense (ability to commit several varied crimes), I'm again law-abiding, but I am decidedly versatile. I'm a jack-of-all-trades at a whole lot of useless skills.
So, I got 17 or 18 out of 20 there. Can I be taken to the crazy house yet?
Horrible, self centered, destructive little existence. Yes. I do.
If I can't? Sure, destroying it would be nice.
Payback!
...
Yet.
..
I soon shall be! >3
Its just you. Get over it.
I mean that in the best possible way, of course.
They're fun to watch.
Just create a distinction between reality and imaginary.
It's not nice to murder :D
But it's fine to watch the scene in my head! :D
You spent goodness knows how long writing this journal. That's enough for me.
BUT THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE IT'S JUST LIKE EMBER LOL.
Wait. No it isn't. It isn't anything like him.
Amazing.
It's just depressing seeing you like this, and at any hint of trying to help, you bite the person's head off. I suppose I should be used to it. You've only been doing it for, oh, three years.
1) Why the hell would you say that you are a psychopath? People won't trust you with anything. Ever again.
2) Before ASKING THE INTERNET whether you are a psychopath, why not ask someone WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT? So if you turn out not to be a psychopath, then you don't have to embarass yourself and everyone else.
3) A psychopath who willingly and thoroughly exposes their true face without provocation... is kind of anathema to what psychopathy is all about. Either they do it to further manipulate people, or they do it to fake people out. A psychopath gains nothing from telling people that they are a psychopath. Self diagnosing psychopathy and then telling people about it is... bafflingly nonsensical.
4) PUBLIC FORUM. People don't want to know other people's inner workings in such a public setting. It's airing dirty laundry and it's a breach of the social contract. Keep your private life private.
1) People don't trust me anyway, I have nothing to lose.
2) Have you ever been to a psychiatrist, they take freaking forever to get anywhere. I couldn't be arsed continuing on after being in therapy for six months.
3) Probably manipulation, to see who on earth actually cares enough about my mental state to actually try and help. So far, not much response. Gee, thanks "friends".
4) I get annoyed when people keep things from me, I'm not a hypocrite. Hell, information about every aspect of my life and history is online somewhere.
Yes, I've seen a psychatrist. :P You have to, you know, persevere with it. Fixing a mind takes the longest time.
Revealing you are a psychopath doesn't evoke pity or empathy. It evokes fear and terror. It's the emotional equivilant of the Uncanny Valley. It's like saying "I am one The Thing*." "I am the demons", or "I am one of the tomato people".
Sometimes, people want to keep things secret, and expect certain things to be taboo.
*John Carpenter, not Stan Lee.
Go to a medical professional, please, because there is clearly something wrong going on.
It is incredibly insulting for you to have made the assumption that no-one cares about your current psychological predicament. However, when you attack anyone who offers any genuine advise, it becomes difficult to commit oneself into a position of aid.
So please, do go and see someone, I don't like seeing you like this.
Thus, the assumption that no one cares.
Taddah.
Just like you're doing right now.
Take charge of your life and seek help; if not for you, then for the rest of us who, shocking I know, actually do still give a damn about you.
As for seeing a "specialist", I did see a psychiatrist in '07-'08 after my (obviously failed) suicide attempt. She was halfway through diagnosing me with some miscellaneous form of autism before I stopped going. I also had some college councilling from late '09 to earlier this year - which said I was stressed and had low-self esteem from being constantly treated like crap by family and friends.
So now you know, I've already sought help and it's not exactly made me feel much better now, has it? :3
I fail to see how that's any more beneficial to trying professional help again.
As for my "general online behaviour" I'm afraid it's neither here nor there to me what people think of that; this is the internet, you know far too well that it represents nothing of myself in the only place that truly matters; real life.
And conversely, the Internet is also a place where people show their true colours and feelings, the ones they often keep away from public view because the online world is more anonymous and more free to act however you wish. Right now in real life I've not even mentioned being depressed, I'm just continuing on quiet and alone in my little existence. If you ask me, the Internet has a much better representation of a person's personality than reality - and it's inherent "controllers" of human emotion - can provide.
And there it is again; completely ignoring the fact that I have already told you that people give a damn about you, because, y'know, I hung out with you at Confuzzled because I hate you, obviously.
I give a damn about you, but you don't seem to care, you're more concerned with trying to prove to me that you are "but an insignificant individual anyway, and one that most people ignore anyway"
I'm done with this debate now, my cards are on the table, it's your move and sadly I can't think of a witty metaphor with which to bow out on.
Ah well.