this journal is unorganized rants in organized sections so if you don't want to read it all skip to the section you want to read about.
part 1 ac
part 2 my august trip/ relationship
part 3 lasin
part 4 change for the better
part 5 change for the worse
part 6 this is all for the better

part 1 ac:
so I realized ac is soon and I am getting everything together for it. bought more glow bracelets, I think I have 128 and I think I have 72 glow sticks. these need to last for ac and for condition 0. so I'm not really gonna be giving any out. I will have things I am giving out. any they kinda glow. more or less getting rid of some old stuff, that I don't think any one will claim any more. I will have my partial done for ac, and it will kinda be in theme, since I don't have a full I can't do the cloth cave man look so I am doing something else. hope you can find me. I have lots of people to meet and have lunch or dinner with, and if you would like to be part of that slightly growing and shrinking list, please message me. I have 2 badges to pick up for ac, and I keep forgetting. also the list of events I want to go to. I will be setting phone alarms for these.
I mite go to some Thursday meet and greets.
developeing a character
coloured pencil demo
making digital art for cheap
the basics of magic
baloon animals
african animal round table
women in the fandom
friendly feline furry fiasco
furrys of wow
first time fursuiters
power of pretend
fur suit meet and greet
fur suit games recess
fursuit parade lineup
fur suit parade
fursuit games team challenge
live action roleplaying chess
who's lion is it anyway
uncle kage's story hour
ddr tournament

part 2 my august trip/ relationship
so I decided not to go and stay for school also the fact a girl he dated 2 year ago that used him a lot, he is still in love with her despite not talking to her for the last year. and can't get her out of his mine so he broke it off. annoys me greatly to no end second guy I lost to this kinda situation. nice guys aren't the only ones that finish last. this has also happened in my only gay relationship I ever had, only it was to an abusive guy. life's just full of little wonders here and there. so I decided it would be better for him to save his money and not have me go down there cause I don't think him meeting me will change anything at all. and I kinda have my own problems.

part 3 lasin
lasin is yes asche's son, but also a little voice in my head. idky but when I draw him its more or less that little extra voice or emotion doing it. and every since I became single its been confused and depressed, and now when ever I manage to get happy and move on, I get a dream with my ex in it, and everything is played really well. then the day after all I hear is his little voice going 'you messed up, you ruined it, why did you have to be so selfish and stupid, whats wrong with you" making me feel guilty which is working I will give the little bugger that. he's managed to make me fear being happy, or getting in relationships, he doesn't want me to forget and its tormenting to no end.

part 4 change for the better
so over the last three months I have managed to do a lot which some is good some is bad.
managed to stop drinking
learn what to say and what not to say
when to keep things or though to my self
not to correct everyone let them do what they do
got kinda needing smokes be it cigs or hookah
managed to get my self mentally over things.
not be attached to people at all
I've become a lot better at dealing with things that ruined my last group of friends. and relationship seeing if that will shut lasin up, it kinda has but its more of a 'why could I have learned this earlier'

part 5 change for the worse
I would hate so much for any of my past friends or ex to see who I am now. and all the shit I have done or gotten my self into really. not gonna list it hear but basically its the feeling of being in the dirt while being looked down on, broken and beaten and dirty while they are still clean. I've done a lot of things good and worse, trying to literally find my self or get some kinda idk feeling of love, that I am too stupid to figure out the right way to get it. now I just get high a lot, became something I hate, and do a lot of the things I look down on others for. I need some one to step in and pick me up. which is kinda how my last relationship started.

part 6 this is all for the better
I keep telling my self that things now are for the better, despite being loved I would have been living a bad life if I had stayed in that relationship being the one doing almost everything. and basically being a work horse in my later years taking care of some one else. I though knowing I was loved would make that okay but now that I look at it. it would have not. I was gonna end things when I graduated hs, if he hadn't made some attempt to do something with his life. but hey that time came and I couldn't do it. we had been thru a lot of things together and I though hey things would be okay. I'm looking forward to a better life but I can't get my heart to leave that place.

I'm more over things then I used to be and doing a lot better now moving on, and dealing with things.


to any one that actually read this congrats I now seem like a winy little bitch. if you think that I could care less. this is my ranting and needed to get these small things in my mind out on paper. or text what ever. I'm fine my self I just have a lot of inner problems and would love to just fine some one to help take care of me so I can relax again.