Last night, I got blitzed--not drunk, just bombed out and tired and not thinking straight, the way some people get, most people get, at quarter to five in the morning, and I flirted in a very wrong way with someone who didn't want it. I asked their forgiveness today, and got it, but it left something behind.

I've been bothered lately by a memory. It's a memory that comes before anyone I've known on here--before I met Essy, before I came to accept part of myself, before I knew better. It's a memory of the first furry I was ever intimate with over the Internet, and the aftermath that that meeting had.

I remember it pretty clearly. I was playing on Furcadia, and, being a curious young teen, I'd poked into the adults only section--shameful and shocking, I know, right? The statute of limitations is up on that, though, I should think. Anyway... I found my way to a boys-only bar. It was a rave-disco-pulsing-light setup theme, the kind of thing you see in art here, sometimes. I hung out there, for a while--a week, or so, I'd say, just.. taking it in. The way the people talked. The passing-through and the general chatting, and the kindness, and the comfort it had.

Because it was comfortable! it was. Everyone was friendly. No one pushed my limits, no one threatened me, and I could forget about the churning nightmare and the ongoing argument between my parents. It was a home away from home, sort of. And then I met this Otter.

He came in, late one night. Very sweet. Asked me to a private room. We talked for a while--about what, I don't quite remember. How I liked the club. How long I'd been there. How I hadn't been with anyone. And... he made advances. We wound up fucking wildly--I think I scratched into his back, and curled my toes, and felt INCREDIBLE. Someone beautiful, strong, trustworthy, someone wonderful, someone who wanted ME--little broken me, who didn't know what they wanted, who they were... I felt like the luckiest rabbit in the world. I felt like I was untouchable, like I was floating on air. He wound up having to go, and promised me he'd come back.

So I waited.

A day turned into two days. Turned into a week.

Other furs approached me. Offered things. And I told them thank you for the attention, but I was waiting for someone, someone who promised to come back.

One week turned into two weeks.

I began to worry. What if something had happened to them? What if they couldn't get on? I lost my internet at times, what if they had, too? Still, they had promised. And still, I waited.


Two weeks turned into three.

It was three weeks and four days before they showed up again. And when I came to them, when I told them how much I'd missed them, how I'd waited for them...



they told me I shouldn't have. and they broke my heart.

I was a toy to them. Just a one night stand. I didn't know; couldn't have known, some fun was all they wanted. Just some fun with a naive little bunny who didn't know better.


I felt disgusted with myself for weeks. I felt used. Wronged. I felt like everything I knew was wrong. And sometimes, in my darker moments, I still feel that way. So this goes out to all of you... to all the people who promised me 'forever', who swore they'd come back, who I helped and treated, to Serrek and Renton, to the Sparrow, to all the people who SWORE THEY'D STAY--and then disappeared and left me wondering for years if they were safe, if they were alive, if they were thinking of me, if they even remembered me.

Are you happy?

Are you happy, when I feel alone and forgotten and used?

that's the real reason i dissappeared, in november. i didn't want to feel alone and used and forgotten. i thought, you know, the move would make everything better! i'd live my own life. i'd leave my stupid unwanted desires and the sorrows i had behind.


but i couldn't.

i still love my friends. ess, and haya, and chu, and clex, and kya, and all the others who have been too good to me, better than a stupid bunny deserves.

i still have a deep and unspoken fear of being abandoned by people i love.

i still hold my collar away from anyone, anyone but me, because i think they'll only hurt me.

...i swore i'd never tell any of this. but, dammit, the only way to fight a demon is to push it out, right? so there it is. there you go.

sorry for gettin' emo.