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Totally emo
15 years ago
You know, I feel kind of insecure about this whole furry art thing. I don't know why, but you've been seeing evidence of it in my last few journals. I think it's just something all artists get in response to whatever art community they're in every now and again. I wonder, you know, why am I doing this? I mean, my friends, naturally, like my stuff. And I love drawing for them, even if it's just the subject matter they like that I'm drawing with them in mind. I have a good small group of friends, fans and acquaintances here on FA, and I've even been pulling in a little extra money with my skills. It's fun, it gives me an opportunity to give back to the TF community that is really just endlessly entertaining for me. All good reasons.
But I mean, like, this is probably the least appealing thing I could be doing. Not only am I a furry, I'm a furry fetishist, and one that draws really off-the-wall stuff that people only seem to be able to enjoy on a kind of surreal level. Which is legit, but I'm kind of realizing that the stuff I draw isn't really worth as much as I thought, on the whole giving-back-the-hotness level. It's not really good at what it's supposed to do, which is turning people on. All I seem to ever do is squick people, something I don't like at all, and people are never ashamed to show off how fucked up I am.
On the flipside I've been doing non-furry art and nobody ever tells me that it's fucked up, or that I'm crazy. Nobody ever makes strawman arguments in my vicinity using strawmen that resemble me. People kind of "get" me outside of furry and accept me for who I am, fetishes and all. People treat me like the person I am. And it makes me feel really good.
Isn't that kind of the opposite of what everyone says the fandom is like, though? Like, it's one big hugbox and everyone is just so afraid of angering anyone that nobody says anything that might possibly be construed as hurtful, and that this is a good justification for trolling and lulz? I dunno. Lately I've been feeling, I dunno, especially on the margins of everything, where actually getting and maintaining the kind of friendships and relationships I'm looking for in the fandom has become increasingly difficult. Making art outside the fandom, even art with furry themes, is just so much more fulfilling... except in the cases where I can get across what I'm really feeling, even about the stupid stuff that my libido is coming up with, and I don't need to explain myself and people just kind of get it and RELATE. It's so gratifying to just be understood. I can get that in furry.
But it's rare. The nice thing about the internet is that it makes it much easier to find the one or two people who understand you completely. The bad thing is that once you've mapped that territory, and you make yourself visible, it becomes much easier for the hundreds of people who don't get you and never will to swoop in and make you feel the loneliest you've ever felt.
I've been extremely lucky all my life. I have a good home, a good family, great friends, and only one serious issue: I'm crippled by anxiety. I let all my opportunities slip through my fingers. Being on FA is a good thing if you want your insecurities played like a harp. Even innocently joking comments turn really hurtful. And it really just makes me want to stop, it makes me stop loving what I'm doing.
I keep wanting to reframe furry art in a different context where it makes more sense, where art isn't valued by how much people like it, or how technically good it is. I hate the feeling that this thing I do, that means a lot to me, that gets me excited about life, is completely incomprehensible to anyone else, that I'm just too fucked up to ever be able to function in a society. It piggybacks on all the other problems in my life, all the nagging thoughts, the worries that my room isn't as tidy as I aught to be, that I procrastinate on serious issues, that I have no career ambition or courage in forming relationships. That's like, suicide-provoking shit, yo. I know not everyone can relate to the subject matter of furry porn in the same way that a furry fetish dude would. That's natural, that's biological. But, you know, I feel like people could relate to furry art as just like, a meaningful social thing for people who feel lonely in a crowd, who want to be cuddled but don't feel like it's allowed, who genuinely wish they could be stuffed toys so that they wouldn't feel so weird and awful about it all the time. It's powerfully emotional stuff. Is it not art, though?
But I mean, like, this is probably the least appealing thing I could be doing. Not only am I a furry, I'm a furry fetishist, and one that draws really off-the-wall stuff that people only seem to be able to enjoy on a kind of surreal level. Which is legit, but I'm kind of realizing that the stuff I draw isn't really worth as much as I thought, on the whole giving-back-the-hotness level. It's not really good at what it's supposed to do, which is turning people on. All I seem to ever do is squick people, something I don't like at all, and people are never ashamed to show off how fucked up I am.
On the flipside I've been doing non-furry art and nobody ever tells me that it's fucked up, or that I'm crazy. Nobody ever makes strawman arguments in my vicinity using strawmen that resemble me. People kind of "get" me outside of furry and accept me for who I am, fetishes and all. People treat me like the person I am. And it makes me feel really good.
Isn't that kind of the opposite of what everyone says the fandom is like, though? Like, it's one big hugbox and everyone is just so afraid of angering anyone that nobody says anything that might possibly be construed as hurtful, and that this is a good justification for trolling and lulz? I dunno. Lately I've been feeling, I dunno, especially on the margins of everything, where actually getting and maintaining the kind of friendships and relationships I'm looking for in the fandom has become increasingly difficult. Making art outside the fandom, even art with furry themes, is just so much more fulfilling... except in the cases where I can get across what I'm really feeling, even about the stupid stuff that my libido is coming up with, and I don't need to explain myself and people just kind of get it and RELATE. It's so gratifying to just be understood. I can get that in furry.
But it's rare. The nice thing about the internet is that it makes it much easier to find the one or two people who understand you completely. The bad thing is that once you've mapped that territory, and you make yourself visible, it becomes much easier for the hundreds of people who don't get you and never will to swoop in and make you feel the loneliest you've ever felt.
I've been extremely lucky all my life. I have a good home, a good family, great friends, and only one serious issue: I'm crippled by anxiety. I let all my opportunities slip through my fingers. Being on FA is a good thing if you want your insecurities played like a harp. Even innocently joking comments turn really hurtful. And it really just makes me want to stop, it makes me stop loving what I'm doing.
I keep wanting to reframe furry art in a different context where it makes more sense, where art isn't valued by how much people like it, or how technically good it is. I hate the feeling that this thing I do, that means a lot to me, that gets me excited about life, is completely incomprehensible to anyone else, that I'm just too fucked up to ever be able to function in a society. It piggybacks on all the other problems in my life, all the nagging thoughts, the worries that my room isn't as tidy as I aught to be, that I procrastinate on serious issues, that I have no career ambition or courage in forming relationships. That's like, suicide-provoking shit, yo. I know not everyone can relate to the subject matter of furry porn in the same way that a furry fetish dude would. That's natural, that's biological. But, you know, I feel like people could relate to furry art as just like, a meaningful social thing for people who feel lonely in a crowd, who want to be cuddled but don't feel like it's allowed, who genuinely wish they could be stuffed toys so that they wouldn't feel so weird and awful about it all the time. It's powerfully emotional stuff. Is it not art, though?
Personally ive always enjoyed your art and even if its something that im not that keen on sexually i still enjoy looking at it, its quite often very thought provoking to me.
to be fair theres very little i can say that hasnt already be said, you stand out for being yourself and not blending in with the rest of the crowd but as a result people are gonna pick on you for being different but the number who support you and enjoy what you do should be enough proof to show you're never alone with it all and you shouldnt let the small amount of people who tell you its wrong take away your enjoyment for your own work
As a side note i would have never shelled out $150 for any form of commision of anything full stop if i wasnt completely 100% confident the end product was going to be absolutely fantastic and i have no doubts that it will be when its finished completely :)
i don't know what to tell you on the whole furry thing, it's a label, and like all labels it includes the best and the worst people it can, and harbors good and ill meanings...personally i'm here for the people i know and the things i can see, not to increase the number of people who have something to say behind my back. you will have those people anywhere you go, it is simply MUCH easier for them to attack you from behind and icon and a title then it would be for them to work up the courage in person.
art is a sketchy subject(if you'll forgive the pun) people everywhere argue over its interpretation, and they likely always will. Here's the deal though, you can call it art, you can call it illustration, you can call it porn, you can call it fish and chips, but it is what it is regardless of the name and its value is going to still be different for every person who lays eyes on it. for example take gold, i think it looks silly as jewelry, however it makes some wonderful electrical components. its value to me only comes to what can be done with it, but some people would dress themselves in nothing but gold if they had the choice, to those people it is worth considerably more regardless of it's actual usefulness. personally i love the stuff you've posted here, you've got a lot of talent and regardless of your subject matter you portray it well. and as to your subject matter? i still check your LJ for one moon for updates on Norris and the rest of the madragon crew, and if i ever hear more about Duke then i just might do a little dance. you have a twisted mind that walks down roads most aren't even capable of understanding, that in itself makes your art valuable to me.
i'll stop replying to your journal with a journal now, just keep you head up. do it for the love, take what people enjoy your work and have something thoughtful to say back on it, and forget those who don't get it, if they don't like it they should walk away, they don't understand enough to see what they are missing anyway. the only person responsible for their happiness is them self, and you can do no more to aid them then show them a smile and share a thought...
Don't feel down.
When you say people outside the fandom accept you for who you are, does this mean you're very open with your kinks? Do other people not associated with the fandom actually know that you're into costume TF, merging, and all that?
I'm open about my kinks in the same way that everyone else is open about their own sexuality. I don't pretend they don't exist, but you know, sometimes TMI is TMI, right? But when I have talked about it, people are generally interested and curious because it's different, but I've never had any seriously bad reactions.
But, I agree with you on a lot of levels about the treatment from furry. It's been kinda hard to find people who, while not understanding what you're into or what you particularly like, are at least polite enough or open-minded enough to accept it and not find it within their prerogative to express their (usually rude) opinion on how much they dislike a particular thing. I'm not an artist, and just do commissions and write very infrequently, but even my own stuff always manages one comment from someone random who particularly needs to express how they dislike what's been posted. It's usually not criticism, either. It's just some mean spirited comment for the hell of it.
Now I realize there's no way to avoid this, and oftentimes these comments stand out, and for every bad comment there's usually many more good ones... but they're always sort of create the biggest bother, the most impact. I've never figured out why this is, but I guess it's easier for us to be torn down then to be held aloft.
I share your sentiments on wishing acceptance was a cornerstone of furry, how it was when I was younger, how I wish it was now. There's those of us who are, but it's almost like a subculture within a subculture, and it's definitely by no means a majority. But, that said, there's very few places I think I could have met such people originally, and while that's changed, they do still exist, and those friendships and relationships I've formed here have brought some positive notes to an otherwise doldrums-filled life. I hope it's at least been the same way for you for the majority of the time, and this feeling is only recent, and isn't lasting...
I'd really hate to see you go or stop. I still stand that you're one of the most creative artists on FA, and losing you would be like losing the Salvador Dali of furry. But, if you do go, if you feel it absolutely necessary, I'd at least like to know where to find you afterwards. :/ I'm sure a lot of us would.
And, haha, Dali comparison aside, thank you, you're very sweet. :)
I really feel attached to so many furs. Some more literally than others, haha, and I don't think I could just take off in good conscience. It might just be FA, you know, because it's so huge, that makes for an awkward vibe for being unrestrained and weird. You're right about there being almost subcultures within the subculture. All my best experiences in furry have been in the vicinity of specific people that I'm already privately friends with or excited by their ideas anyway, haha.
And of course I mean the good aspects of Dali. :D Mostly in the creativity aspect, since his personality... well, you're far too nice!
I'm glad you're intent on staying though. I'm not sure I want to be on an FA that's Swatcherless. It would just lack a lot of a certain something.
The concepts and ideas that you create and express in your drawings, plus your style where everything looks so soft and plush and malleable and changeable is more than enough in its own right. :9 I'm personally quite a big fan of your drawings, even though I never comment and fave, mostly out of being scared that someone I know is gonna find a stray comment here and know what kinds of weird things I'm into, haha. <3
Again, I've been lucky in that no one has ever really ridiculed me for being a weirdo in furry, but when I see it happen to other people I get so incredibly depressed and enraged I just don't know what to do. But honestly, irl I've found that I've found more understanding (or at least curiosity) towards my weirdness than outside of it. In fact, the only truly cruel comments I received about my weirdoness was outside of furry in the context of a friend mocking me and saying I was less of a human being for being weird.
You're describing a state where you are giving back to a part of the furry community – specifically the one that enjoys and understands a specific brand of fetish art – and that in turn makes you happy, but at the same time you are sensitive to trolling and are questioning whether one is worth the other.
Most people on the web simply observe and comment, fewer actually bother to create, and even fewer find what you might call success (though that can be measured in so many ways). However, everyone has the capacity to feel bad -- or good. Now you create, and you create well, and nobody in here is going to tell you otherwise, but you shouldn't at any time allow your insecurity or your ego to control your output.
If dissatisfaction was enough to stop you – or anyone – from being creative, there would be no community.
You do say something positive though, "Making art outside the fandom, even art with furry themes, is just so much more fulfilling." Maybe instead of trying to redefine capital-F furry from the inside – which seems to be an academically stimulating but ultimately fruitless endeavor – you should continue producing outside of the internet and seeing where that takes you. Through that act, with any luck, maybe you'll find yourself overcoming your crippling anxiety.
You are one of the reasons I feel more empowered to create new things and be more artistic. I do not know how to impart confidence to you but know that there are scads of people who are inspired by what you do and not just for porny reasons. I know I always look forward to seeing your new art when I can and it makes me want to be a better artist.
I do not know if it means much, but what you do makes me glad I am on this crazy fur site.
- marcothecat
You know, the future is totally uncertain right now and it feels like it's coming at me at a thousand miles an hour. There's all sorts of insecurities kind of packed into that. I was originally going to write a kind of postmortem on the last few kinda pretentious journals but instead I think I just kind of realized that what they're about doesn't really matter. More than anything else, I'm anxious and insecure, and I don't wanna be.
I'd love to be closer friends with ya myself, but I'm terribly shy, especially with artists. I'm always afraid I'll end up subconciously badgering them for art. Of course, I shoot myself down in regards to almost all social relationships, so that's natural. ^.^;;
It sucks that you're getting better responses outside of furry than inside, though. That's not right. :/
you rock hard core.
Back when I was introducing a friend of mine to furry art she wasn't sure if she entirely fit in until I started showing her stuff like your artwork and she just instantly GOT IT. She knew she was welcome and that there were others just like her. That is such a powerful and special feeling! If there weren't artists like you we'd be missing out on a lot.
As for issues on the "real" world and whether what we do is valid I don't want to comment on. I'm kind of struggling with that one myself.
I dunno what else to say other than I'd give you a big fat fluffy Weasel hug right now if I could.
Furry art has yet to be taken seriously by the art world and outsiders in general, probably because 99.99% of furry artists have yet to take it seriously themselves. The fetish aspect dominates the fandom, leaving no room for the respectable side of it, the "identity" side, to speak up. Hence people like yourself, who have a personal crisis because they won't go recognized beyond dog dick enthusiasts. It's a sorry state of affairs, for sure.
I think the way you put yourself out there is incredibly brave, even if its on FA.
I've had a number of sympathetic pangs when you write about your sexuality and how it exists in the world. I also especially love your art theory postings.
Your secret pervosexuality is awesome, but will never be easy. When I document my own journey, I want to put it out there like a big "it gets better" message to the 12-year-old me that didn't have that. And I think your journey would have a similar effect.
signed,
a pervosexual.