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My psyche is having it out with my heart again.
15 years ago
Emotional strife coupled with a bit of outpouring of the soul.
If your sure you really want to read any further then go ahead, but you have been warned.
Do I really love him? I say to myself, as long as he truly loves me I will be fully content with this relationship. Yet I lust for him as well as question if he truly loves me.
I balance myself on the razors edge at the brink of turmoil. Yeah, yeah, overly dramatic, but is it really. I love and lust, I hold fear and joy, and in this typhoon of emotion I can't tell what will be the best decision, what is the right decision. Do I want for me, am I being egocentric again, self-centered. The fact that any questions have arisen lead me to believe there is doubt. But to assess the situation for a scenario that there is doubt I might be able to eliminate it. Over analyzing things again, but it is in my nature, a self-defense against my fears.
I have only noticed the opposites of ourselves. He loves horror movies, I like cartoons or similar humor. I question myself, supplying more doubt, why I love him so. This, of course, either diminishes or clouds my love for him, yet not my lust. Though it is a reasonable request. What is the source of my love? Perhaps his attitude, the way I think he is open to me. He holds no modesty if it's a text, freely supplying me with what I want to hear, innuendos and all. Though he's "offset" around others when with me, if they don't know me. I respect him and his friends, even if I don't know them. I am naturally empathic, a complement to the emotions of others. I am torn and feel utterly useless at these moments, I can't seem to read him or his friends when we're all together. And every friend I have is either on the job, a wall of text, or voiced avatar. I have noticed I react much differently to him from my texting to live interaction, though most live interaction is in front of one of his friends, who are always a stranger to me. I have yet to be alone with him. Perhaps it is the loss of true emotion when using text, or my "respect" for him around others that know him. Perhaps jealousy, that they know him better than I do. Either way I seem reluctant to make physical contact, though this is also in my nature. I haven't used anyone's name or made physical contact unless necessary, as far as I know. I'm not sure why, it's just a quirk. This also sounds like an excuse. Am I walling myself away from him? Should I be more aggressive and test the waters? Why do I always want to play it safe?
I have molded myself as a servant to others. I have only become passive-aggressive to those that have wronged me, yet I still serve if they hold some power over me. I would love to become whatever he wants me to be, more than I have for anyone else ever, including my parents. Though I don't know what he wants. I feel like a dog begging for a treat, so anxious, willing to do anything within a split second of the request or signal, but I don't know the request much less the reward. I want to be the vision he has of me, what he loves and lust for. The fear stems from that, that I might not be able to fulfill that ideal and being unsuitable material, cast aside to start anew with another.
I want to tell him all this but it seems wrong, very wrong, in so many ways. I know that the message isn't as clear as I would like. Or perhaps, it is indeed wrong.
Also this whole thing still seems incomplete, but it's late/early and I want sleep. I just want to get some of it off my chest.
If your sure you really want to read any further then go ahead, but you have been warned.
Do I really love him? I say to myself, as long as he truly loves me I will be fully content with this relationship. Yet I lust for him as well as question if he truly loves me.
I balance myself on the razors edge at the brink of turmoil. Yeah, yeah, overly dramatic, but is it really. I love and lust, I hold fear and joy, and in this typhoon of emotion I can't tell what will be the best decision, what is the right decision. Do I want for me, am I being egocentric again, self-centered. The fact that any questions have arisen lead me to believe there is doubt. But to assess the situation for a scenario that there is doubt I might be able to eliminate it. Over analyzing things again, but it is in my nature, a self-defense against my fears.
I have only noticed the opposites of ourselves. He loves horror movies, I like cartoons or similar humor. I question myself, supplying more doubt, why I love him so. This, of course, either diminishes or clouds my love for him, yet not my lust. Though it is a reasonable request. What is the source of my love? Perhaps his attitude, the way I think he is open to me. He holds no modesty if it's a text, freely supplying me with what I want to hear, innuendos and all. Though he's "offset" around others when with me, if they don't know me. I respect him and his friends, even if I don't know them. I am naturally empathic, a complement to the emotions of others. I am torn and feel utterly useless at these moments, I can't seem to read him or his friends when we're all together. And every friend I have is either on the job, a wall of text, or voiced avatar. I have noticed I react much differently to him from my texting to live interaction, though most live interaction is in front of one of his friends, who are always a stranger to me. I have yet to be alone with him. Perhaps it is the loss of true emotion when using text, or my "respect" for him around others that know him. Perhaps jealousy, that they know him better than I do. Either way I seem reluctant to make physical contact, though this is also in my nature. I haven't used anyone's name or made physical contact unless necessary, as far as I know. I'm not sure why, it's just a quirk. This also sounds like an excuse. Am I walling myself away from him? Should I be more aggressive and test the waters? Why do I always want to play it safe?
I have molded myself as a servant to others. I have only become passive-aggressive to those that have wronged me, yet I still serve if they hold some power over me. I would love to become whatever he wants me to be, more than I have for anyone else ever, including my parents. Though I don't know what he wants. I feel like a dog begging for a treat, so anxious, willing to do anything within a split second of the request or signal, but I don't know the request much less the reward. I want to be the vision he has of me, what he loves and lust for. The fear stems from that, that I might not be able to fulfill that ideal and being unsuitable material, cast aside to start anew with another.
I want to tell him all this but it seems wrong, very wrong, in so many ways. I know that the message isn't as clear as I would like. Or perhaps, it is indeed wrong.
Also this whole thing still seems incomplete, but it's late/early and I want sleep. I just want to get some of it off my chest.
