After rereading chapter 3 after I posted it, I noticed some flaws in my writing. I noticed I tend to just tell the reader how the character is feeling instead of showing them through the character's actions, speech, and thoughts. I went back and fixed some of this. I think it's a big improvement. Please let me know if you notice anything else I need to work on!

Chapter 1 http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4127884

Chapter 2 http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4429920

Chapter 3 http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5152061

Thanks everyone!