FA+
Shop
I reject your reality, and I substitute my own!
18 years ago
Long. Which, if you know me, is not unusual.
So . . . HI! Thanks to everyone who has watched and fav'd and commented and everything while I have been gone for practically a month. Where have I been? . . . well, just not here. Not anywhere really, odd thing is that one day i just didn't log in and then I didn't the next day and before I knew it it was the end of the month and I was saying 'holy fuck, when was the last time I went to FA?"I popped in quick when Robert Jordan died simply because it was a biline on CNN and I knew a lot of people would miss the news but that was it. I've been going to the gym every day for an hour or two, and I restarted my Warcraft account (and will be cancelling again most likely, just isn't holding my interest still), and working and spending the wee hours of the morning with Wolfmonkey and Saraya and Fal. The break was good! Relaxing. I did almost no art and just didn't care. The one piece I did do was for a craft show that had nothing to do with the fandom and it generated 5 commissions from people at work; two of people's dogs, some photo retouching, a spiritual piece, and a still life of teddy bears for a baby's room. I took them, though I didn't have any enthusiasm for it. After all, Christmas is coming.
But I didn't want to draw, not a bit. And I couldn't figure out why, other than it didn't make me happy any more. I felt like King Haggard. But I still kicked myself a little tiny bit, because that time I checked in I saw a long list of watchers, and comments, and that little voice said "you should do something or they'll lose interest". But then Thaden logged in. And then I had to go to bed, and then to the gym, and then work . . . and the feeling was gone again.
Jump forward to earlier this week, and a rare day with little to do and other people to chat with. In the course of my conversation with someone, I had what you might call . . . an existential meltdown. Yeah, I hate that commercial too, but it fits. My gut reactions to some of what the person I was speaking to said disgusted me so much (my feelings, not the individual's words) that I had to take a very long look back over myself as an artist, myself in the fandom, and all that. My first impulse was to honestly stop drawing and walk away from it . . . .
. . . this was because I realised I'd started actually caring about the things that I swore I never would. The number of watchers I had, to me, was just "cool". If it went up, nice, of it went down, eh (though I tried to figure out why). But when presented with a situation where the number of watchers I had actually really counted to someone else, and I realised I was mad I didn't have more, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it had stopped being an idle diversion, and I was creeping way too close to that line of being one of those artists who is more concerned about being popular and how many people see what they do than having fun and making friends and just showing themselves. I HATE that. So of course at that point I hated myself. And then it just got worse as later I started listening to my gut reactions to things this person was saying and the more I did the more I realized how bad I had gotten.
So I sat back, thought, and talked to some friends (thanks, Sar, and Fal, and Thaden, and Johnny) because I was ready to ship off my tablet before truely turning into that type of artist. They all councelled patience and sleep on it and I'd figure out what to do. *chuckles* Of course Wolfmonkey was the bluntest, he just thinks I went off my rocker for a bit. And people wonder why I love him. :D Anyway, I ultimately decided, mostly, that what I would do is just pull most of my stuff out of here; use it as a gallery not for me, but for my friends. Only put up things that other people drew for ME, not what I drew for other people. Move my own art over to my website - and that's it - so that the numbers game didn't become my reason for posting here again. Let other people take the hits if I drew something for them and let others show it off (HERE, or their site, but no chans or crap like that); but me? Here? Just the lion. The person. *grins wistfully* And the people who only care about hot art and hanging around popular people would drift away. I'd be back to just drawing for fun, for me and me alone (on my site) or to make other people happy (for their pages here).
But I didn't yank everything down. Yet. As you can see. Or this would be an "OMG!!!!1! Whar hiz/hur/itz art goez??" post. Because I kept my promise and I'm still thinking. And as I thought I still just didn't want to draw. Johnnyblanco had said that it wasn't fair if I stopped because I'd be taking it away from other people and it made them happy. My real reaction (keeping in mind I love you, Johnny)? Was that that sort of "you owe others" was a crock. You know, the whole entitlement thing, furs are entitled to be able to enjoy others work because they want to type of thing.
Well Johnny, this part of the story is for you.
Yesterday I was at work, and as I had my back to the outside of the cubicle doing some shit on the computer, I heard this sniffling behind me. There was a woman there that I'm on a committee with, and she had a disk and a photo in her hand, and she was crying. I jumped up of course and asked what was wrong and she gave a little smile and asked if I could draw something for her. And she handed me a picture of a two day old baby, wrapped in a blanket, with tubes and IV's poking out everywhere. And then she explained that her baby died the next day, and she wanted me to draw a picture without all the tubes and everything.
So NOW I know what you mean, Johnny. And you ARE right.
As for the rest of it, I'm still deciding what to actually do. If I drew something for you I suggest you snag it now if you haven't already, because I may pull it down off of here shortly. It's YOU guys; and you always deserved the looks because those characters are your ideas anyway. :) but if the pics disappear from here you'll know that any that aren't yet will be up on my site soon enough.
6 weeks to MFF! *boogies*
So . . . HI! Thanks to everyone who has watched and fav'd and commented and everything while I have been gone for practically a month. Where have I been? . . . well, just not here. Not anywhere really, odd thing is that one day i just didn't log in and then I didn't the next day and before I knew it it was the end of the month and I was saying 'holy fuck, when was the last time I went to FA?"I popped in quick when Robert Jordan died simply because it was a biline on CNN and I knew a lot of people would miss the news but that was it. I've been going to the gym every day for an hour or two, and I restarted my Warcraft account (and will be cancelling again most likely, just isn't holding my interest still), and working and spending the wee hours of the morning with Wolfmonkey and Saraya and Fal. The break was good! Relaxing. I did almost no art and just didn't care. The one piece I did do was for a craft show that had nothing to do with the fandom and it generated 5 commissions from people at work; two of people's dogs, some photo retouching, a spiritual piece, and a still life of teddy bears for a baby's room. I took them, though I didn't have any enthusiasm for it. After all, Christmas is coming.
But I didn't want to draw, not a bit. And I couldn't figure out why, other than it didn't make me happy any more. I felt like King Haggard. But I still kicked myself a little tiny bit, because that time I checked in I saw a long list of watchers, and comments, and that little voice said "you should do something or they'll lose interest". But then Thaden logged in. And then I had to go to bed, and then to the gym, and then work . . . and the feeling was gone again.
Jump forward to earlier this week, and a rare day with little to do and other people to chat with. In the course of my conversation with someone, I had what you might call . . . an existential meltdown. Yeah, I hate that commercial too, but it fits. My gut reactions to some of what the person I was speaking to said disgusted me so much (my feelings, not the individual's words) that I had to take a very long look back over myself as an artist, myself in the fandom, and all that. My first impulse was to honestly stop drawing and walk away from it . . . .
. . . this was because I realised I'd started actually caring about the things that I swore I never would. The number of watchers I had, to me, was just "cool". If it went up, nice, of it went down, eh (though I tried to figure out why). But when presented with a situation where the number of watchers I had actually really counted to someone else, and I realised I was mad I didn't have more, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it had stopped being an idle diversion, and I was creeping way too close to that line of being one of those artists who is more concerned about being popular and how many people see what they do than having fun and making friends and just showing themselves. I HATE that. So of course at that point I hated myself. And then it just got worse as later I started listening to my gut reactions to things this person was saying and the more I did the more I realized how bad I had gotten.
So I sat back, thought, and talked to some friends (thanks, Sar, and Fal, and Thaden, and Johnny) because I was ready to ship off my tablet before truely turning into that type of artist. They all councelled patience and sleep on it and I'd figure out what to do. *chuckles* Of course Wolfmonkey was the bluntest, he just thinks I went off my rocker for a bit. And people wonder why I love him. :D Anyway, I ultimately decided, mostly, that what I would do is just pull most of my stuff out of here; use it as a gallery not for me, but for my friends. Only put up things that other people drew for ME, not what I drew for other people. Move my own art over to my website - and that's it - so that the numbers game didn't become my reason for posting here again. Let other people take the hits if I drew something for them and let others show it off (HERE, or their site, but no chans or crap like that); but me? Here? Just the lion. The person. *grins wistfully* And the people who only care about hot art and hanging around popular people would drift away. I'd be back to just drawing for fun, for me and me alone (on my site) or to make other people happy (for their pages here).
But I didn't yank everything down. Yet. As you can see. Or this would be an "OMG!!!!1! Whar hiz/hur/itz art goez??" post. Because I kept my promise and I'm still thinking. And as I thought I still just didn't want to draw. Johnnyblanco had said that it wasn't fair if I stopped because I'd be taking it away from other people and it made them happy. My real reaction (keeping in mind I love you, Johnny)? Was that that sort of "you owe others" was a crock. You know, the whole entitlement thing, furs are entitled to be able to enjoy others work because they want to type of thing.
Well Johnny, this part of the story is for you.
Yesterday I was at work, and as I had my back to the outside of the cubicle doing some shit on the computer, I heard this sniffling behind me. There was a woman there that I'm on a committee with, and she had a disk and a photo in her hand, and she was crying. I jumped up of course and asked what was wrong and she gave a little smile and asked if I could draw something for her. And she handed me a picture of a two day old baby, wrapped in a blanket, with tubes and IV's poking out everywhere. And then she explained that her baby died the next day, and she wanted me to draw a picture without all the tubes and everything.
So NOW I know what you mean, Johnny. And you ARE right.
As for the rest of it, I'm still deciding what to actually do. If I drew something for you I suggest you snag it now if you haven't already, because I may pull it down off of here shortly. It's YOU guys; and you always deserved the looks because those characters are your ideas anyway. :) but if the pics disappear from here you'll know that any that aren't yet will be up on my site soon enough.
6 weeks to MFF! *boogies*
"He wasn't in the wind, he wasn't in the fire. But there was a small whisper of sound, and Moses hid his eyes...."
He catches your attention when something small is out of place, is out of focus....
When you notice that the view from your house is "different" and you don't know why.
When a stranger smiles at you and it writes itself on your very soul...
My picture hangs on my bedroom wall. It fits there, It shows me the still, small voice of God...
Papa Moose
And in this case I'm taking a little extra time to hear ANY voice that needs to be heard. ;)
Good luck with your decision. Whatever it may be.
Ya know, september was a very rare month for everybody here..at least the people I know ^^ a lot of ups and downs..weird huh?
yeah, I know what you mean, it was a weird month in general.
Darlin' I'll be amoung the first ta tell ya that if doin' this didn't make YOU happy then by all means don't do it!... I mean, much as I (an many others) would miss the wonderful d'light ya bring ta our lives, it certainly shouldn't come at a greater cost ta you!
People always move on with their lives... such is the way'a things... an the joy ya bring others through yer art will (an does) have ta take a backseat ta higher priorities... in the breif time I've come ta share with ya an call ya friend... I would never want ya ta do anythin' ya don't enjoy doin' jus' ta please me... an noboby else has that right ta lay such a claim on ya.
It's like me... I draw b'cause first an fore-most it's what *I* enjoy doin'... not that I don't care what others think of what I do... but b'cause it's such a part'a me I couldn't possibly concieve'a doin' without it... I been drawin' LONG b'fore I ever knew anythin' about furries or fandoms or what other people may've thought'a what I drew b'cause it's somethin' *I* enjoy... an no, I'll be the first ta tell ya I don't consider m'self one'a the 'best' artists out there... hell I don't even consider m'self a 'good' artist... I may've drawn some good art occassionally now an then but I never consider m'self ta be many of the 'titles' (be they good or bad) that others might b'stow on me...
I jus' try an keep things simple an continue ta enjoy doin' what I do... Firstly I like drawin'... that much goes without question... an if I can draw somethin' somebody else enjoys... well that's jus' gravy as they say... but make no mistake... jus' as I've been drawin' all these many many years prior ta showin'/sharin' m'art with others, I'll still be drawin' ta the day I draw m'last breath... so ta speak... as ta wether the future will have me sharin' that art... only the goddess knows... but I will draw as long as m'able...
...an ya already know that yeah, like you, I also enjoy drawin' things fer other people... but I lack yer confidence in how well I can present what others might wanna see... hence one of the reasons I don't do commissions an prefer giftpics... the 'control' stays where I can manage it an I don't feel as obligated ta produce somethin' my heart might not be inta puttin' forth.
Cripes, listen at me... carryin' on like an ol' werewolf alright... well... guess I jus' wanted ya ta know that whatever ya d'cide works best fer YOU will be Ok by me... long as yer happy darlin'... but if not then I'll tailbap ya can tell ya ta go back ta keepin' it simple an enjoyable whatever ya d'cide ta do...
*snuzzlehugs ya* :)
You and I are alike in many ways. I draw firstly for me too. I enjoy what I do. And I enjoy doing things for other people (but I HATE commissions. I'll do them sometimes but I despise them). And I lost sight of that. I'm thinking if I take my art out of any real measurable medium for a while that maybe I'll gain back the fun factor in the fandom.
still best wishes for you local works ma'am and i hope you regain the inicial spark... creating enthropies is not easly digestable issue... ultimalty do try to shake the entrhopy away... if possible... other wise, like the art output, despise the artist.
no matter what numbers will always matter... more or less depending on your self-esteem... but even if they do matter they are not the pinnacle of your acceptation... or lack of it. or shield to become an asshole sometimesbecause my fanboyage dont have a brain in their head like i've seen it happen.
"friend is the one that slap the truth in your face and do not hide them with soft deciving lies"
well ma'am good luck with your artistic move... and all the best and may you find the will to draw again soon
*givescookie*
I hope that your future comes in more clearly soon rather than later. <3 Its nice to hear what the take is for several people, and the things that they go for in their own future and life. =3 Here's to a happy day.
You already know how I feel (like, 3 years ago when you posted this, but hey- I still got there!)- but I do hope this makes things feel right again! ^^
Fuck the fur! ha ha... though i think Cereberus would count as a fur. :)
An there has to be werewolve/weremen in hell, there just has'ta be. :P
Have fun at MFF.
Sorry bout your artwork delimma.
*hugs* hope ya feel better, eventually.