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a raw look into a conversation between little sister & i
14 years ago
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Don't wait for the queue to shrink—the commission docket is rarely empty.showing this because i figure she wouldn't give a shit.
long story short: my little sister (victoria), my littlest sister (corey), and I (mandy) all had different Dads. our mom has always been a druggie mess. she's a loving, sweet woman, but hasn't ever had a grip over her drug addiction or her loneliness. her daughters have been left in the crossfire. that's about the size of it. i was raised by my father (single dad), my little sister was raised by mom and her stepdad, and our littlest sister was raised by them (and stepdad is her actual dad, so she's gotten favored treatment).
little sister is an amazing jewelsmith and i wear the jewelry she's made almost every day. when i was a voice actress, she looked up to me immensely. i mean, no, fuck it, she looks up to me even now, and i look up to her even more than that, though i'd probably never be able to convince her of it.
she's an amazing kid. god, i love her.
(yes, i'm still bedridden -- bear with me... another couple of days, tops, i'm guessing.)
little sister wrote:I really appreciate you and all of your kinds words and I'm so happy you enjoy your stuff! Thank your friends and anyone you know who likes my shop, it's a definite compliment :) And thank you for the tips. Subtle colors with a pop do seem to be pretty well liked. I'll do requests from anyone, any day too! And if there's something you like up there, tell me now, I can save you one or something surely. I just got tired of seeing the same old mainstream unimaginative junk. And the "hipster" or "poetic" look which is pretty popular is rather expensive if you leave it up to the stores, ironically enough I guess. Or not. Whatever ;D There's some pretty rad stuff on Etsy though, check it out. Handmade is beast.
I still have so many supplies but I don't have the cash right now to keep the site fully up, so if something's not there, I might actually have it. I'm giving it up soon however, or taking up a different medium at least, unless I can find a place that doesn't import everything from China or Taiwan. Damn near impossible for this country and my broke tail but I don't enjoy encouraging companies to continue to source out cheap, unfair labor, or from any source I can't track. Sorry to get all self righteous and preachy on you, haha. Anyhow I sew and I'm learning to crochet and want to use organic textiles and fabric for clothes and accessories if I can find the money and the right source for them. I might have to hand-dye the fabrics for the right effects but that just makes for more awesome potential! I'd love to work together with you on these projects one day if you are ever interested! It will definitely be a big one.
And on the family front, not to bombard you with my own 'depresso-drama' but mom's been in jail for the past 4 months, and in and out before that. If you want details, just ask.
I don't know that any of what's been happening around that house will help your anxiety at all. It hasn't helped mine. Really, I doubt she would have ever been home for your phone calls anyway, so don't fret about that. If anything, you're the distant favorite ;)
Mom's either gone or home briefly, picking locks and taking the doors off of the hinges to get anything of value, nothing new. She took my car a few times which I had to pick up from the impound, and has had other family members lie to me about borrowing my stuff. Of course, that's why I had to leave. It's still happening to Corey and Kevin too. I'm pretty sure my bank is still looking to prosecute her for fraudulent charges, I don't even know anymore.
She called me 2 or 3 days ago, but when I called back, Corey told me she was gone again. I have a big problem with trusting people now, but I guess that's an inevitable survival trait anyway.
So I guess I know what you mean, anxiety is tough, living there kept me under a lot of stress and I know it's affecting you too. It's seriously stunted my self esteem and social growth so far, not to be all pitiful and such. I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of undiagnosed bipolar (mom definitely is) or at least high anxiety/obsessive behaviors with a good amount of agoraphobia, or an anxiety of social situations in general. I guess who isn't these days? I've never had healthcare, or a real doctor, psychological or otherwise. Sean's mom actually paid for my doctor visit today (and all the ones I've had recently, minus the jaw break, she's very sweet) I've got Strep and some other gunk now but I also need to get my bone density checked since I seem to be in overall crappy health for being so young. He said it's probably because of bad diet, namely canned or boxed foods, etc. and stress. What sucks is I can't imagine Corey will be better, she doesn't go outside and lives on Top Ramen and the same crap. I do hope you find a relief for your mental ailments soon though, it's a long and tiring battle against the self.
I won't go on about how I feel about the situation with mom but drugs do tend to take away self control and it seems Kevin doesn't have enough of a problem with letting her do as she pleases, enabling it to happen. Corey is miserable, especially with mom there, she tells me. Send her a picture or something when you have time one of these days, would you? Corey needs you and I, even more than mom does at this point, all she has is art and video games right now. And Kevin is distant and cold as ever, just a looming presence in the back room.
And on that note, not to be a sad sack, I wasn't able to see anyone this Christmas because we worked that day and they kept Sean and I WAY longer than we said we would stay. I told the family I couldn't make it. My biological dad passed away last year and I couldn't see his family either, and I'm the only grandchild. Last time I talked to Kevin though, he told me "You obviously don't care about us, so I don't care about you". Mom comes back from jail and gets welcomed, I'm too busy on a holiday and get blacklisted. I'm just a bit confused is all, but again, nothing new.
So, I'm very sorry to invade your brainspace with all this text, all this nonsense and all of this weight, but it's been a while since we've talked. I know you're dealing with your own situations right now. You, and the family you know here are all I have in blood, and I'd like to keep in touch. There's an infinite amount of things we need to discuss, and even more to learn about one another so let's get together really, really soon. Let me know when you have time, and we'll schedule something someday. Haha we have a lot in common; I absolutely hate driving, but I don't mind if it's to see you. ♥
love you dear
holydust wrote:That's what I dig about your stuff. You are walking the line between classic and hipster TOTALLY effortlessly. There is nothing pretentious about it -- every piece you make is totally you, and not a single piece ever has made me question whether it came directly from your heart or not. One may wonder just how deep an artist can go with pieces individually bought from separate stores, but as an artist myself, I can tell how amazingly you are able to take those little elements and compile them into awesome little self-portraits.
That's why I love wearing your works -- they are SO you, whether you're trying to be deep or just throwing out a little combination that struck you as fun and interesting. No matter what it is, I love it. You have the skill that a jewelry designer needs -- the ability to kind of branch out and make a small expression that a potential wearer can relate to, reach out and buy it, and wear as their own, as something THEY can relate to. I hope I don't sound like I'm just trying to flatter you, because I'm not. I genuinely love your stuff more than I've ever loved any jewelry I've ever bought my entire life. I genuinely feel like you have something amazing to offer the world, and if you ever quit I would cry for weeks.
But... I didn't know mom was in jail. *sighs* Not that I'm surprised... honestly, when I hear she's in jail I feel relieved... you know mom is the type who just wins friends in jail/rehab. She isn't the type who gets thrown into "the institution" and gets harassed by others... she always ends up the "mother goose" type, which is why I am always kinda relieved when I hear she's been picked up by the Man. She hates it, I know, and I know her drug-doing ilk hate being cooped up in the institutions, but you and I both know that's better for her in the longrun. If Mom were anyone else I'd be worried, but I know how she is... she gets into a jail and other women look up to her and look to her for guidance. She isn't exactly risking getting her ass beat/getting harassed in jail. I think she helps other people when she's there, even if she hates to admit it to herself, and I think it's good for her, though I'd never say it to her face.
I'm mostly worried as hell about Corey. I don't know if you know this, but, well, while Asperger's syndrome is one of those "trendy" syndromes people like to throw around lately for anyone with social awkwardness, Cory's little brother is a TEXTBOOK case and I am 100% certain Corey has it too. It's been next to impossible to explain that to mom or to Kevin, but I guarantee you Corey has it, and I worry about her every day, but I haven't really known what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it. It's a real disease, and I'm pretty fucking positive our little sister has it... and I know she won't get help with it any time soon. ><
As for your anxiety/agoraphobia: well, you sound exactly like me. The good news is, if you can manage to see a doctor, you'll be in great shape; if not, you'll survive until you CAN. Don't stress it. Just rest assured that those like us suffer from the quirky artistic aspect with an increased incidence for neuroses... :3 We're high-functioning, we just have a little extra trouble elsewhere. It still beats being completely mental and begging on the streets for food, right?
God, I want to support Corey so much, but with my social anxiety, calling her up leaves me so much more mentally handicapped than I am when I, say, call a stranger. I want to help, but I Call and she goes all Silent Bob on me. I understand what she's going through, but I just fucking clam up. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her, I mean, I could work extra and send her money if I had to, but other than that, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say on the phone. I don't have a way to visit because my car got totaled a couple of weeks ago (as you probably saw).
I am still so deeply affected by the visit I had with you, when Preston and I took you and Manny to Macaroni Grill and you were still a teenager, and you sat there and poured your heart out about how worried you were about her. I still to this day don't understand how you managed to raise yourself SO well. I mean, you had more than enough reason to be pissed at the entire family, and yet there you were, expressing your concern for our little sis. You have a huge heart, and I look up to you so much for that.
As for Kevin... baby, please please understand. He is a good man, but any good man exposed to a volatile force like Mom is going to, as you probably know, be driven to about the worst possible plane known to man. You have been such a good daughter his entire relationship with Mom. I witnessed you getting punished for minor offenses like crappy grades in your pre-teens while Corey got away with everything. It's not Corey's fault, it's not anyone's fault... it's just human weakness. I want you to remember how AMAZING you are to me, and how everyone in this family knows how great you are. Everyone is just too scared to sit and look at the facts. You are seriously one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and it makes me cry to think of it. HOnestly, I want to confront Mom and Kevin both and scream at them for not giving you the recognition you deserve, but I think both you and I know they wouldn't be smart enough to understand where I was coming from.
Just be strong, and know that I'll always always always ALWAYS be here for you. ♥ I am so, so proud of you, and I'll be here for you any time you need me. You are my brilliant, powerful little sister and you are a massive inspriration for me every day. I talk about you to everyone I ever meet -- you seriously are one of the coolest people who's ever come into my life.
I love you! ♥
Don't forget you can call or text me any time.
I'm gonna go slack off some more -- I'm still a teeny bit sick. But I love you lots and lots. Be good.
xoxo
long story short: my little sister (victoria), my littlest sister (corey), and I (mandy) all had different Dads. our mom has always been a druggie mess. she's a loving, sweet woman, but hasn't ever had a grip over her drug addiction or her loneliness. her daughters have been left in the crossfire. that's about the size of it. i was raised by my father (single dad), my little sister was raised by mom and her stepdad, and our littlest sister was raised by them (and stepdad is her actual dad, so she's gotten favored treatment).
little sister is an amazing jewelsmith and i wear the jewelry she's made almost every day. when i was a voice actress, she looked up to me immensely. i mean, no, fuck it, she looks up to me even now, and i look up to her even more than that, though i'd probably never be able to convince her of it.
she's an amazing kid. god, i love her.
(yes, i'm still bedridden -- bear with me... another couple of days, tops, i'm guessing.)
little sister wrote:I really appreciate you and all of your kinds words and I'm so happy you enjoy your stuff! Thank your friends and anyone you know who likes my shop, it's a definite compliment :) And thank you for the tips. Subtle colors with a pop do seem to be pretty well liked. I'll do requests from anyone, any day too! And if there's something you like up there, tell me now, I can save you one or something surely. I just got tired of seeing the same old mainstream unimaginative junk. And the "hipster" or "poetic" look which is pretty popular is rather expensive if you leave it up to the stores, ironically enough I guess. Or not. Whatever ;D There's some pretty rad stuff on Etsy though, check it out. Handmade is beast.
I still have so many supplies but I don't have the cash right now to keep the site fully up, so if something's not there, I might actually have it. I'm giving it up soon however, or taking up a different medium at least, unless I can find a place that doesn't import everything from China or Taiwan. Damn near impossible for this country and my broke tail but I don't enjoy encouraging companies to continue to source out cheap, unfair labor, or from any source I can't track. Sorry to get all self righteous and preachy on you, haha. Anyhow I sew and I'm learning to crochet and want to use organic textiles and fabric for clothes and accessories if I can find the money and the right source for them. I might have to hand-dye the fabrics for the right effects but that just makes for more awesome potential! I'd love to work together with you on these projects one day if you are ever interested! It will definitely be a big one.
And on the family front, not to bombard you with my own 'depresso-drama' but mom's been in jail for the past 4 months, and in and out before that. If you want details, just ask.
I don't know that any of what's been happening around that house will help your anxiety at all. It hasn't helped mine. Really, I doubt she would have ever been home for your phone calls anyway, so don't fret about that. If anything, you're the distant favorite ;)
Mom's either gone or home briefly, picking locks and taking the doors off of the hinges to get anything of value, nothing new. She took my car a few times which I had to pick up from the impound, and has had other family members lie to me about borrowing my stuff. Of course, that's why I had to leave. It's still happening to Corey and Kevin too. I'm pretty sure my bank is still looking to prosecute her for fraudulent charges, I don't even know anymore.
She called me 2 or 3 days ago, but when I called back, Corey told me she was gone again. I have a big problem with trusting people now, but I guess that's an inevitable survival trait anyway.
So I guess I know what you mean, anxiety is tough, living there kept me under a lot of stress and I know it's affecting you too. It's seriously stunted my self esteem and social growth so far, not to be all pitiful and such. I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of undiagnosed bipolar (mom definitely is) or at least high anxiety/obsessive behaviors with a good amount of agoraphobia, or an anxiety of social situations in general. I guess who isn't these days? I've never had healthcare, or a real doctor, psychological or otherwise. Sean's mom actually paid for my doctor visit today (and all the ones I've had recently, minus the jaw break, she's very sweet) I've got Strep and some other gunk now but I also need to get my bone density checked since I seem to be in overall crappy health for being so young. He said it's probably because of bad diet, namely canned or boxed foods, etc. and stress. What sucks is I can't imagine Corey will be better, she doesn't go outside and lives on Top Ramen and the same crap. I do hope you find a relief for your mental ailments soon though, it's a long and tiring battle against the self.
I won't go on about how I feel about the situation with mom but drugs do tend to take away self control and it seems Kevin doesn't have enough of a problem with letting her do as she pleases, enabling it to happen. Corey is miserable, especially with mom there, she tells me. Send her a picture or something when you have time one of these days, would you? Corey needs you and I, even more than mom does at this point, all she has is art and video games right now. And Kevin is distant and cold as ever, just a looming presence in the back room.
And on that note, not to be a sad sack, I wasn't able to see anyone this Christmas because we worked that day and they kept Sean and I WAY longer than we said we would stay. I told the family I couldn't make it. My biological dad passed away last year and I couldn't see his family either, and I'm the only grandchild. Last time I talked to Kevin though, he told me "You obviously don't care about us, so I don't care about you". Mom comes back from jail and gets welcomed, I'm too busy on a holiday and get blacklisted. I'm just a bit confused is all, but again, nothing new.
So, I'm very sorry to invade your brainspace with all this text, all this nonsense and all of this weight, but it's been a while since we've talked. I know you're dealing with your own situations right now. You, and the family you know here are all I have in blood, and I'd like to keep in touch. There's an infinite amount of things we need to discuss, and even more to learn about one another so let's get together really, really soon. Let me know when you have time, and we'll schedule something someday. Haha we have a lot in common; I absolutely hate driving, but I don't mind if it's to see you. ♥
love you dear
holydust wrote:That's what I dig about your stuff. You are walking the line between classic and hipster TOTALLY effortlessly. There is nothing pretentious about it -- every piece you make is totally you, and not a single piece ever has made me question whether it came directly from your heart or not. One may wonder just how deep an artist can go with pieces individually bought from separate stores, but as an artist myself, I can tell how amazingly you are able to take those little elements and compile them into awesome little self-portraits.
That's why I love wearing your works -- they are SO you, whether you're trying to be deep or just throwing out a little combination that struck you as fun and interesting. No matter what it is, I love it. You have the skill that a jewelry designer needs -- the ability to kind of branch out and make a small expression that a potential wearer can relate to, reach out and buy it, and wear as their own, as something THEY can relate to. I hope I don't sound like I'm just trying to flatter you, because I'm not. I genuinely love your stuff more than I've ever loved any jewelry I've ever bought my entire life. I genuinely feel like you have something amazing to offer the world, and if you ever quit I would cry for weeks.
But... I didn't know mom was in jail. *sighs* Not that I'm surprised... honestly, when I hear she's in jail I feel relieved... you know mom is the type who just wins friends in jail/rehab. She isn't the type who gets thrown into "the institution" and gets harassed by others... she always ends up the "mother goose" type, which is why I am always kinda relieved when I hear she's been picked up by the Man. She hates it, I know, and I know her drug-doing ilk hate being cooped up in the institutions, but you and I both know that's better for her in the longrun. If Mom were anyone else I'd be worried, but I know how she is... she gets into a jail and other women look up to her and look to her for guidance. She isn't exactly risking getting her ass beat/getting harassed in jail. I think she helps other people when she's there, even if she hates to admit it to herself, and I think it's good for her, though I'd never say it to her face.
I'm mostly worried as hell about Corey. I don't know if you know this, but, well, while Asperger's syndrome is one of those "trendy" syndromes people like to throw around lately for anyone with social awkwardness, Cory's little brother is a TEXTBOOK case and I am 100% certain Corey has it too. It's been next to impossible to explain that to mom or to Kevin, but I guarantee you Corey has it, and I worry about her every day, but I haven't really known what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it. It's a real disease, and I'm pretty fucking positive our little sister has it... and I know she won't get help with it any time soon. ><
As for your anxiety/agoraphobia: well, you sound exactly like me. The good news is, if you can manage to see a doctor, you'll be in great shape; if not, you'll survive until you CAN. Don't stress it. Just rest assured that those like us suffer from the quirky artistic aspect with an increased incidence for neuroses... :3 We're high-functioning, we just have a little extra trouble elsewhere. It still beats being completely mental and begging on the streets for food, right?
God, I want to support Corey so much, but with my social anxiety, calling her up leaves me so much more mentally handicapped than I am when I, say, call a stranger. I want to help, but I Call and she goes all Silent Bob on me. I understand what she's going through, but I just fucking clam up. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her, I mean, I could work extra and send her money if I had to, but other than that, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say on the phone. I don't have a way to visit because my car got totaled a couple of weeks ago (as you probably saw).
I am still so deeply affected by the visit I had with you, when Preston and I took you and Manny to Macaroni Grill and you were still a teenager, and you sat there and poured your heart out about how worried you were about her. I still to this day don't understand how you managed to raise yourself SO well. I mean, you had more than enough reason to be pissed at the entire family, and yet there you were, expressing your concern for our little sis. You have a huge heart, and I look up to you so much for that.
As for Kevin... baby, please please understand. He is a good man, but any good man exposed to a volatile force like Mom is going to, as you probably know, be driven to about the worst possible plane known to man. You have been such a good daughter his entire relationship with Mom. I witnessed you getting punished for minor offenses like crappy grades in your pre-teens while Corey got away with everything. It's not Corey's fault, it's not anyone's fault... it's just human weakness. I want you to remember how AMAZING you are to me, and how everyone in this family knows how great you are. Everyone is just too scared to sit and look at the facts. You are seriously one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and it makes me cry to think of it. HOnestly, I want to confront Mom and Kevin both and scream at them for not giving you the recognition you deserve, but I think both you and I know they wouldn't be smart enough to understand where I was coming from.
Just be strong, and know that I'll always always always ALWAYS be here for you. ♥ I am so, so proud of you, and I'll be here for you any time you need me. You are my brilliant, powerful little sister and you are a massive inspriration for me every day. I talk about you to everyone I ever meet -- you seriously are one of the coolest people who's ever come into my life.
I love you! ♥
Don't forget you can call or text me any time.
I'm gonna go slack off some more -- I'm still a teeny bit sick. But I love you lots and lots. Be good.
xoxo
you're free to message me obnoxiousness for being the first to notice, bahahahhaa. <3333
However, would it be okay if I advertise her Etsy? She has beautiful works, and my birthday is coming up, so I might just nudge people in that direction
Good luck to you guys and just remember you have each other! I'm packing for a funeral right now and think my family has just realized what little time they have together...
Be grateful for those you have and be strong. Biggest hugs. Funerals are hard, but just remember, in a long enough timeline we all have to go and endure knowing that those who love us have to see us leave.... *comforting snuggles* It happens to all of us eventually. That's the beauty of life in this world. We experience it, we see what we see, and then we set sail for elsewhere.
Yeah. All things happen for a reason, and perhaps this will teach my mother that she doesn't need to be so cold and aloof from everybody all the time. I hope for the best with this and think it will be okay as long as my Uncle doesn't show up...
And I posted your sisters etsy to my facebook and suggested it to stumble upon! I lurve helping out
Thanks for letting is know a little bit more about your family and life.
But moving on, I'm almost a little jealous of the strong bond you two have; I don't know my little brother well enough and he's still a tad too young to be that close to me yet. I hope when he gets older we can be as close as you and your sister.
And it's like Scorp said, hearing about other people's problems does help put your own into new light, so this was an eye-opening read for me.
I hope your sick goes away soon, and I wish for the best for both of your little sisters. This one definitely has a good head on her shoulders and it's so good to see both you and her haven't taken your mom's mistakes and repeated them. That's some serious strength. I hope Corey's mental health gets checked out soon, too.
Bipolar issue many county health departments preform the tests and perscribe the meds for it part of their efforts to make sure the person is functional for society. I have a friend that is on those meds after he did his visits with the health department. It's not as fast as a private doctor but you eventually will get the stuff.