I have never quite understood the feeling of writting a journal to describe events in ones life to people who you dont really know and such but I thought for once id give it a good shot =)

We are all humans and part of being human is fucking it up in life, because honestly who here doesnt fuck it up every now and then somehow? The depth of this fucked up failure of ones might differ from person to person, time to time in ones life. Sometime we are fully responsible, sometime we arent and sometime we are responsible yet have been pushed into that kind of situation and choices by outside forces.

I did quite the big fuck up sometime ago, I shant go into details of what it is or anything of the sort as Id rather spare you those details. All I need to say the end result of it was that I was in an economicly tight situation where every penny had to be thought through before spending it. What had led up to such a situation was the later of what I said before.

I was pushed emotionally to make a huge serie of increadibly poor decisions. My mom as much as I love her has a way of behaving when she is in control ,as she was at the time because I lived with her, which was emotionally crushing me and made any attempt to correct the first poor choices I did a choice which would be bad and without properly knowing the ultimate consequences properly, and partially also not thinking it was as bad as her reactions would have been, I never did those choices that would have corrected all of it.

I dont blame her these days for it and rather take responsibility for those actions even though I know she is the sole reason at that time I made those bad choices to begin with. But after getting away from her living sometime with my dad the emotional load was removed from my shoulders, she was no longer around, couldnt nag at me and I could easily tell her to fuck off if I wanted to. This along with some attitude changes on my inside which I had started now nearly a year and a half ago but the progress prior to the release from her claws was slow but fortunately steady.

Upon getting away from her grip I were able to start emotionally work myself up from a point where life at many times, but not all and probably not even most, felt meaningless and pointless. I wondered often why I lived but the most satesfying answer I could come up with was at those times was that I was too cowardly to ever be able to even consider suicide any viable option and hence was stuck in life until something else killed me, which is rather fortunate as it darn good to be alive, so I enjoyed what I had friend wise and more but it also isolated me socially because I sought for the one area I did feel comfortable at, namely on the net and infront of the computer.

I worked myself until I felt no more of those meaningless feelings, where living was not a chore I was stuck doing until someone or something would relieve me of doing it but turned it into where I could cherish every moment I live, Smile for the tiniest of things and laugh for who knows what. Simply because I can be and am happy for the tiniest of things this world and existence has to offer. Going from "Why smile" to "Why the hell shouldnt I smile?". My father has been throughout all of this, at first unaware but later on fully aware, a huge support for me. My mom never failed being a support in her will but her actions and way of handling it always made her support something I didnt want, desire or wished for.

But that was merely the first initial step to this, gathering the inner strengths to take care of my life which I had messed up so badly and with it in my hand and full will I did set up to start fixing the mess. This was by spring time last year but I couldnt start doing that fully until autum when university started again but fortune have often smiled upon me that I did have a summer job with my dearest of friends so the summer was of no problem.

Once Autum came I pulled up my sleeves and started doing what I never had the inner strengths, will, desire or emotional capabilities to do, namely working hard and determined. My father helped me economicly and my stepdad offered me an extra job I did by the side of my studies and with all of that I managed from September until late march get enough money to survive with some minor amounts to spare so I even could have some fun for myself.

In this time I have also started to be more social, having gotten a few friends, which keep increasing every now and then and I intend keeping up, going out and simply escaping from the cocoon bubble of a world I used to live in to protect myself. Ive even gone out with a new friend of mine here and we do it every now and then still and I feel alot more secure in such circumstances which I never did before.

Seven months of hard work, a year and a half of emotional work on myself and searching within I have managed to go from where everything in my world is simply collapsing to now, where the things are building onto each other and keeps getting better. I have now gained the papers that confirmed my economy will be vastely improved compared to these months, where my social life is steadily improving and all. I knew when I started climbing it would be a long journey and it sure has, and it is far from over, but now when ive reached this point I do feel it has been worths everything ive done.

Why have I wasted everyones time telling about this? Partially because I wanted to try, but mostly because I wanted to tell that one can start working to improve ones life. Sure we are all in different situations, I cannot 100% tell what you need to do emotionally, physicly or whatnot but if one tries working hard to repair damage one has done, fixing up ones life even if it seems to be heading nowhere or even steeply down I am almost absolutely certain that it will get better, the road to achive it might be long, painful, slow and all but in the end it'll feel darn good.

=)