FA+
Shop
Why Do Girls want Bad Boys?
14 years ago
I was looking at an advice column recently from yet another Nice Guy ™ bitching about the same tired old trope about how women only want "Bad Boys" who inevitably end up abusing them and using them.
I really felt the need to throw down some thoughts on that here, since most people know my passionate derision for Nice Guys ™ and their clueless whining about what women want.
First off, there is a difference between a "Bad Boy" and a "Bad Guy."
A "Bad Boy" is a guy who on the surface has this air of being a rebel. He's not afraid to be himself, challenge social mores, think outside the box, and is assertive and confident. He doesn't take shit from anybody. He tends to like doing things most others don't dream of doing. He might get in trouble for it, but he can take it. He's tough.
The thing with the Bad Boy is, he's NOT an asshole. When you get to know him, he's genuine, a hard worker, ethical, respectful, thoughtful, kind, a good friend and a good partner. He would never hurt you intentionally or pick on anybody weaker than him.
Examples would be roles like Danny Zuko from "Grease" or Johnny Depp in "Crybaby," or James Dean.
Real life examples would be like the guys from Rescue Ink. Most of them have wives, homes, children, steady jobs, and they rescue abused animals.
http://channel.nationalgeographic.c.....-ink-unleashed
A big tough guy carefully cuddling a tiny puppy and not afraid to show it...now if THAT isn't melt-your-panties off fantasy material!
Now, for Bad Guys.
Bad Guys are hard to pick out at first because at the start, they act like Bad Boys. It's part of their gimmick to lure in their prey. They are so good at what they do, that you typically don't have a clue until you've fallen in love with them. Some of them never show their true colors until YEARS later and after the wedding!
Slowly though, they make the offhand comment that your dress DOES make you look fat and you should change it. Then they compliment you when you do it. Or they show some "cute" jealousy if you talk to another man and herd you away.
Bit by bit, their crits become more numerous than their compliments. Soon you realize you haven't seen your friends in long time because you know your honey will be upset if you do, and you don't want to rock the boat. Soon you are left bewildered because he slapped you on the face for something that seemed so minor. Then later he gives you a heartfelt apology for his behavior and tells you he loves you and is tender and kind again.
He's not really a bad guy...is he?
Yes, he is. This is CLASSIC abuser behavior.
But by that time, you're so mindfucked you can't think straight. So you turn to your friends during the bad moments for a shoulder to cry on.
Except one of your friends is only listening to you because he thinks you owe him toll for being "nice" to you and wants friendship-payment in the form of sex or getting into a relationship with him.
Yeah, that's really a great alternative.
So there you go. The breakdown of what's appealing about the Bad Boy and why it's a popular.
Of course, not EVERY woman is into this particular type. Being born with ovaries doesn't make us clones, NG's.
And yes, I am fully aware of the fact there are Bad Girls and Bad Women as well. You'll find a lot of what I just said above applies in reverse as well.
Ultimately, having confidence, having your life together, being genuine, and having social skills will get you very far with your gender of choice, no matter what your gender or how you choose to display these qualities in your lifestyle. Just being "nice" doesn't cut it.
Hope that clears up some misconceptions.
I really felt the need to throw down some thoughts on that here, since most people know my passionate derision for Nice Guys ™ and their clueless whining about what women want.
First off, there is a difference between a "Bad Boy" and a "Bad Guy."
A "Bad Boy" is a guy who on the surface has this air of being a rebel. He's not afraid to be himself, challenge social mores, think outside the box, and is assertive and confident. He doesn't take shit from anybody. He tends to like doing things most others don't dream of doing. He might get in trouble for it, but he can take it. He's tough.
The thing with the Bad Boy is, he's NOT an asshole. When you get to know him, he's genuine, a hard worker, ethical, respectful, thoughtful, kind, a good friend and a good partner. He would never hurt you intentionally or pick on anybody weaker than him.
Examples would be roles like Danny Zuko from "Grease" or Johnny Depp in "Crybaby," or James Dean.
Real life examples would be like the guys from Rescue Ink. Most of them have wives, homes, children, steady jobs, and they rescue abused animals.
http://channel.nationalgeographic.c.....-ink-unleashed
A big tough guy carefully cuddling a tiny puppy and not afraid to show it...now if THAT isn't melt-your-panties off fantasy material!
Now, for Bad Guys.
Bad Guys are hard to pick out at first because at the start, they act like Bad Boys. It's part of their gimmick to lure in their prey. They are so good at what they do, that you typically don't have a clue until you've fallen in love with them. Some of them never show their true colors until YEARS later and after the wedding!
Slowly though, they make the offhand comment that your dress DOES make you look fat and you should change it. Then they compliment you when you do it. Or they show some "cute" jealousy if you talk to another man and herd you away.
Bit by bit, their crits become more numerous than their compliments. Soon you realize you haven't seen your friends in long time because you know your honey will be upset if you do, and you don't want to rock the boat. Soon you are left bewildered because he slapped you on the face for something that seemed so minor. Then later he gives you a heartfelt apology for his behavior and tells you he loves you and is tender and kind again.
He's not really a bad guy...is he?
Yes, he is. This is CLASSIC abuser behavior.
But by that time, you're so mindfucked you can't think straight. So you turn to your friends during the bad moments for a shoulder to cry on.
Except one of your friends is only listening to you because he thinks you owe him toll for being "nice" to you and wants friendship-payment in the form of sex or getting into a relationship with him.
Yeah, that's really a great alternative.
So there you go. The breakdown of what's appealing about the Bad Boy and why it's a popular.
Of course, not EVERY woman is into this particular type. Being born with ovaries doesn't make us clones, NG's.
And yes, I am fully aware of the fact there are Bad Girls and Bad Women as well. You'll find a lot of what I just said above applies in reverse as well.
Ultimately, having confidence, having your life together, being genuine, and having social skills will get you very far with your gender of choice, no matter what your gender or how you choose to display these qualities in your lifestyle. Just being "nice" doesn't cut it.
Hope that clears up some misconceptions.
I haven't seen anyone lay out the distinction between Bad Guys/Girls and Bad Boys/well...don't know the term for a slightly naughty woman. Minx? ...but anyway, I've not seen someone lay this out so starkly, it really makes sense.
And you can see the way the Cycle of Abuse starts, and how hard it is to escape!
Minx is one word, though it typically means a woman who likes to sexually tease.
Domestic violence is very insidious. No abuser starts out as being mean. It wouldn't work if they were like that. They start out being normal, kind, and sane until they have somebody hooked, and then they start whittling away at them in order to isolate them and mindfuck them to the point where they don't know which way is up or how to escape because their whole lives are built around this relationship by that time.
This is why some people seem to end up in bad relationships over, and over, and over. It's not because they WANT that kind of thing, it's because there is underlying trauma that cripples them into being easy prey for these sorts.
It's really insulting to sufferers of domestic violence and to women to say they must WANT that kind of thing.
Our dad knew the ex for the garbage he was from Day One. Unfortunately, it was because they had a lot in common...
*squeaks and ducks*
...tho the idea of a tough guy in a leather jacket cuddling a calf came to mind and I find it hilarious on various levels. XD
*deletes it*
And yeah, no one, male or female or otherwise, wakes up one day and thinks, "Man, what I really want is a partner who is godawful to me!" People, at least from what I've seen, tend to enjoy and want to start relationships with people who are interesting. People who share interests, but also generate new ones. And, since we're moving away from a "Male Provider" relationship set up, certainly it helps not being a leech!
I dunno, maybe I'm just speaking out of my ass. What would I know? I haven't been in a romantic relationship in 11 years, but, I've had plenty of friendships and they tend to be fulfilling! I guess there is that taboo in the U.S. on dating in one's friend pool, considering what happens during the break-up, but, I mean, still, the pieces are all the same. Meet person, find interests, be interesting, and just go at it from there. There is no cosmic mystery. People like people, and people like being treated as people, not as objects or as some puzzle to solve.
Meh, I dunno, I suppose one reason why I'm not in a relationship is the whole "Ownership" aspect of it all. I'm not into the whole "She's my girl!" or "He's my man!" thingus, but now I'm being tangential and rambling.
Nice Guys ™ really don't get that a lot of things they do really are not nice at all, and they aren't suave enough to hide it or mature enough to face it.
The reason the Bad Guy will win out over the Nice Guy is because at least he's interesting and usually a good enough actor to come off as genuine.
I wouldn't say it disgusts us really, unless the guy is really being creepy and/or tactless. Or they start saying hateful things like, "Women really want nice guys, they only want jerks who will abuse them." That REALLY doesn't endear us to anyone.
The reason we don't date Nice Guys ™ is because of the instinctual vibe we get that this guy is just not going to be good relationship material because they don't have the personal or social groundwork laid out yet for that.