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Why Don't People Automatically Love Me Because I Exist?!
11 years ago
Figured this latest situation I find myself wrapped up in could stand to be posted here because it might help others.
Friend who is a self-professed Nice Guy ™ comes to me for advice over a very typical storyline. Apparently he's been secretly in love with a close female friend of his for years. Apparently he's been doing a lot of little services and kindnesses in hopes she'll magically see it as a romantic gesture instead of a friendly gesture (because friends don't help each other out otherwise, don'tcha know).
Surprise surprise, she gets uncomfortable and backs off when he confesses his undying and unrequited love for her.
He then complains to me behind her back that it's a chronic pattern and that his desperation and loneliness is chasing off various love interests he's had over the years. Immediately, he started going into "Nobody will ever love me, I will die alone and martyred in my unrequited love, everyone else is the problem, the world sucks, she's a bitch, women are all bitches, and why doesn't anybody appreciate just how hard this is for me and give me love and sex just because I exist?!" speech.
He also doesn't want to be her friend anymore now because now he's embarrassed and sulky and what's the point of anything if friends won't become romantic partners?
Basically he sounds like an angry 15-year-old who's gotten every bit of love advice from movies freaking out over his first crush -- and he's in his late 40's.
He really, really doesn't see why nobody develops romantic feelings for him.
Here's the thing, Nice Guys and Girls ™: You need to learn how to be alone and not be lonely and desperate before you can think about having a relationship with someone. That's part of growing up.
That may seem totally counter-intuitive, but in spite of popular belief, being in a relationship is NOT a cure for desperation and loneliness. It might well distract you from it for a while, but it's not addressing your actual problem: You lack direction, intent, and self-love, and you have NO clue how to relate to people because of it.
If you have no relationship with yourself, you cannot be fulfilled in relationships with anyone else. Until you can learn how to simply enjoy your own life and enjoy other people just for being themselves, you cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone romantic or not.
A healthy romantic relationship has completely dropped the whole, "Me, my, and I" thing and is simply two people living for the sake of living and loving for the sake of loving, because that is what truly destroys wanting. If their partner died or left, of course they would grieve...but they wouldn't hang their entire lives on the departed partner. They'd grieve and go through healing, but they wouldn't be blaming their partner or thinking that their lives are over and they'll never love again because it ended.
Love isn't 50-50. It's 100-100. You live and love for yourself first as a whole being and bring others into that, not look around outside of yourself for what's missing and expect others to give it to you. Once you get into a relationship, that continues. You live and love for yourself first and give freely out of that while your partner does the same. So long as you both are committed to doing that, you create a harmonious cooperation where you can create love and enjoy a reflection of it. That's something vastly different than what's portrayed in movies and media.
Which means you're going to have to get out there and learn how to relate to yourself while rethinking your perceptions.
Friend who is a self-professed Nice Guy ™ comes to me for advice over a very typical storyline. Apparently he's been secretly in love with a close female friend of his for years. Apparently he's been doing a lot of little services and kindnesses in hopes she'll magically see it as a romantic gesture instead of a friendly gesture (because friends don't help each other out otherwise, don'tcha know).
Surprise surprise, she gets uncomfortable and backs off when he confesses his undying and unrequited love for her.
He then complains to me behind her back that it's a chronic pattern and that his desperation and loneliness is chasing off various love interests he's had over the years. Immediately, he started going into "Nobody will ever love me, I will die alone and martyred in my unrequited love, everyone else is the problem, the world sucks, she's a bitch, women are all bitches, and why doesn't anybody appreciate just how hard this is for me and give me love and sex just because I exist?!" speech.
He also doesn't want to be her friend anymore now because now he's embarrassed and sulky and what's the point of anything if friends won't become romantic partners?
Basically he sounds like an angry 15-year-old who's gotten every bit of love advice from movies freaking out over his first crush -- and he's in his late 40's.
He really, really doesn't see why nobody develops romantic feelings for him.
Here's the thing, Nice Guys and Girls ™: You need to learn how to be alone and not be lonely and desperate before you can think about having a relationship with someone. That's part of growing up.
That may seem totally counter-intuitive, but in spite of popular belief, being in a relationship is NOT a cure for desperation and loneliness. It might well distract you from it for a while, but it's not addressing your actual problem: You lack direction, intent, and self-love, and you have NO clue how to relate to people because of it.
If you have no relationship with yourself, you cannot be fulfilled in relationships with anyone else. Until you can learn how to simply enjoy your own life and enjoy other people just for being themselves, you cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone romantic or not.
A healthy romantic relationship has completely dropped the whole, "Me, my, and I" thing and is simply two people living for the sake of living and loving for the sake of loving, because that is what truly destroys wanting. If their partner died or left, of course they would grieve...but they wouldn't hang their entire lives on the departed partner. They'd grieve and go through healing, but they wouldn't be blaming their partner or thinking that their lives are over and they'll never love again because it ended.
Love isn't 50-50. It's 100-100. You live and love for yourself first as a whole being and bring others into that, not look around outside of yourself for what's missing and expect others to give it to you. Once you get into a relationship, that continues. You live and love for yourself first and give freely out of that while your partner does the same. So long as you both are committed to doing that, you create a harmonious cooperation where you can create love and enjoy a reflection of it. That's something vastly different than what's portrayed in movies and media.
Which means you're going to have to get out there and learn how to relate to yourself while rethinking your perceptions.
I have a friend who I fear will get a similar rude awakening at some point in said friend's future due to similar reasons. Its tough knowing that, but some things just have to happen
Love is a rose but you'd better not pick it
It only grows when it's on the vine
Hand full of thorns means you missed it
Lose your love when you say the word mine ...
It's all on the wheel - it all comes around!
Love is a race that everyone loses. Some get lucky and cross the finish line first, but the faster you try to go with it the worse the experience usually is.
When you let go of expectations, life and especially relationships just get SO much easier.
=^.^=