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In the Good times and the Bad times ...
14 years ago
General
Welcome to Balto's Journal
These past few weeks have probably been the most trying times of my life I think only a few people have known exactly what's been going on with me, its not that I've been trying to be mysterious or secretive but I honestly didn't know how to talk about this. Even bringing this up with friends was awkward, I would get the reaction of "Well good luck with that" or "Not sure what to tell you" so I usually didn't push the matter. I was quickly finding out where I stood with some people when I really needed a support base.
As some of you know, my family doesn't really care that I exist and the main reason I left California and moved out to Texas was get away from that situation so I don't have much of a support base beyond the few close friends I have. In those past few weeks I got to find out where I stand with them.
Since this is a topic I wouldn't be able to avoid much longer (and its going to be obvious to some) I thought it would be best to post things here and just say how I feel, though I'm not sure if this will make much of a difference to my situation. About 3 or 4 weeks ago I went to see a doctor regarding a persistent cough I was having, in the process the doctor x-rayed my chest to make sure there wasn't fluid in my lungs. Well there was fluid as he suspected and gave me some medicine for mild case of Bronchitis that I had...However, he saw more in regards to my heart and that was the beginning of a month long roller coster of doctors visits and many possible diagnosis that weren't looking very promising.
First my general practice doctor did a standard EKG and along with the x-ray data felt that I could have possible congestive heart failure and then sent me to get further tests at Arlington Memorial Hospital (a 2nd opinion) so I spend the next week waiting to do another EKG at Arlington memorial to confirm this. For those of you wondering what that is.. Congestive Heart Failure is basically fatal. In addition to that I've had a sonar examination of my heart, 3 more EKGs, 2 3D images made of my hear, 2 stress tests, 3 blood works done and 2 more x-rays of my chest, not a fun month. Each test brought more speculation and concern. So that's how I spent my last 4 weeks all coming down to this Angioplasty procedure.
So now I spent these last 4 weeks thinking about making a will and pondering what i've accomplished in life and being faced with the possibility I might be dying didn't do much for my outlook on life. The conclusions I made during that time only served to depress me. I don't know what was worse for me though.. whether it was the feeling of possibly dying and not having accomplished things in life I wanted to accomplish or the feeling of knowing I'd be gone and no one would really miss me. I also learned that it's true what they say when you are faced with your mortality you really start to see whats important in life.
What was also distressing for me was with how when i needed to talk to my friends about how I was feeling it seemed to just bother some of them. Then they seemed to avoid the topic when I brought it up. Others I couldn't even tell because I know all they would be concerned about is how my dying would affect them. I wouldn't wish that feeling I felt these past few weeks on my worse enemy. The reactions I got from some "friends" sort of made me feel selfish for wanting to know they cared. I guess I got my answer. I have been though a very terrifying time in my life and If getting depressed over news I might be dying or might need major heart surgery makes one emotional then I honestly don't know how I am supposed to react to that kind of news. I guess easy to say that when its not you who is going though it. I was hoping to get some moral support in a very trying time and was quickly finding out how much moral support i actually had. Anyhow now you know and I suppose I now know where I stand with some people.
FYI, I'll be out of commission for a few weeks that's why I had to put the Hodges Pond comic strip on hold, I also get to find out on Thursday if I am going to need open heart surgery or if the procedure on Thursday will be enough to fix what they are seeing. I hope its not as bad as I think but according to my Doctor he feels that there is a strong possibility for bypass surgery but he really wouldn't know until he completes the procedure on Thursday. anyhow Sorry if I bugged some of you with this but now you know why i've been a bit distracted.
As some of you know, my family doesn't really care that I exist and the main reason I left California and moved out to Texas was get away from that situation so I don't have much of a support base beyond the few close friends I have. In those past few weeks I got to find out where I stand with them.
Since this is a topic I wouldn't be able to avoid much longer (and its going to be obvious to some) I thought it would be best to post things here and just say how I feel, though I'm not sure if this will make much of a difference to my situation. About 3 or 4 weeks ago I went to see a doctor regarding a persistent cough I was having, in the process the doctor x-rayed my chest to make sure there wasn't fluid in my lungs. Well there was fluid as he suspected and gave me some medicine for mild case of Bronchitis that I had...However, he saw more in regards to my heart and that was the beginning of a month long roller coster of doctors visits and many possible diagnosis that weren't looking very promising.
First my general practice doctor did a standard EKG and along with the x-ray data felt that I could have possible congestive heart failure and then sent me to get further tests at Arlington Memorial Hospital (a 2nd opinion) so I spend the next week waiting to do another EKG at Arlington memorial to confirm this. For those of you wondering what that is.. Congestive Heart Failure is basically fatal. In addition to that I've had a sonar examination of my heart, 3 more EKGs, 2 3D images made of my hear, 2 stress tests, 3 blood works done and 2 more x-rays of my chest, not a fun month. Each test brought more speculation and concern. So that's how I spent my last 4 weeks all coming down to this Angioplasty procedure.
So now I spent these last 4 weeks thinking about making a will and pondering what i've accomplished in life and being faced with the possibility I might be dying didn't do much for my outlook on life. The conclusions I made during that time only served to depress me. I don't know what was worse for me though.. whether it was the feeling of possibly dying and not having accomplished things in life I wanted to accomplish or the feeling of knowing I'd be gone and no one would really miss me. I also learned that it's true what they say when you are faced with your mortality you really start to see whats important in life.
What was also distressing for me was with how when i needed to talk to my friends about how I was feeling it seemed to just bother some of them. Then they seemed to avoid the topic when I brought it up. Others I couldn't even tell because I know all they would be concerned about is how my dying would affect them. I wouldn't wish that feeling I felt these past few weeks on my worse enemy. The reactions I got from some "friends" sort of made me feel selfish for wanting to know they cared. I guess I got my answer. I have been though a very terrifying time in my life and If getting depressed over news I might be dying or might need major heart surgery makes one emotional then I honestly don't know how I am supposed to react to that kind of news. I guess easy to say that when its not you who is going though it. I was hoping to get some moral support in a very trying time and was quickly finding out how much moral support i actually had. Anyhow now you know and I suppose I now know where I stand with some people.
FYI, I'll be out of commission for a few weeks that's why I had to put the Hodges Pond comic strip on hold, I also get to find out on Thursday if I am going to need open heart surgery or if the procedure on Thursday will be enough to fix what they are seeing. I hope its not as bad as I think but according to my Doctor he feels that there is a strong possibility for bypass surgery but he really wouldn't know until he completes the procedure on Thursday. anyhow Sorry if I bugged some of you with this but now you know why i've been a bit distracted.
dude i hope you will be okay
i really do
im not positive how to react to this as if i say a wrong word it will hurt you
but i really do hope you will be alright man
i care how it turns out
i dont want to lose a cool guy like you i have met
not just as a artist but as a person
i really really hope you will go through this okay
and i will miss you if you died
i just wish i could do something like fix your damn heart with...fuck something,anything really!
you are a really good person man
and you deserve to keep going on in life
Btw did they do a heart cath? My mom had to have one of those done where they went in her major artery in her groin and up to her heart. That's how they found her blockage.
I know we may not talk much, and we've only met once, but I hope that you make it through this. I know it may not be much but I wish you luck and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.
P.S. I know I will miss you if you die. I love your art, but even more I love your personality. *hugs tight*
Like I said above, I wish you lots of luck, and I will be thinking of you. You are too cool to die and I will miss you :(
-TG
Whatever you need, just let me know. You're one of my very best friends, and I don't want to lose you.
I, for one, would really and truly miss you. I know we haven't known each other long and that we really haven't hung out/talked much but you're still one of the greatest, kindest, most generous, most helpful, sweetest furs that I've met. Whoever is seeing this news as a "bother" is just ridiculous. You aren't bugging anyone with this news, Balto. This is something major going on in your life and I want to thank you for sharing it. It took a lot to do so. I was a bit worried with your tweets but I feel a little better now knowing what's going on. Again, I know we haven't known each other long but if you EVER need anyone to talk to, just to talk or rant or whatever, you have my information. You will NEVER be a bother.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wishing for nothing but the best outcome on Thursday. I'm hoping that the Angioplasty is able to solve the problem and, if worse comes to worse and it comes down to surgery, that everything will be handled smoothly and successfully so that you can get on the road to recovery and go back to enjoying life to its fullest.
*hugs*
Wishing you the best always.
I only know you as an artist through here. But I really, truly hope that they are able to fix the problem!
I am so sorry that you've been burdened with that. Keep me in the loop and let me know if I can do anything to help.
Oh by the way (I know you were not asking but I didn't want you to worry) I plan to have your badge done by tomorrow before my procesure though I may not be able to get to the post office on Saturday (recovery) but I'll make sure it gets to you as quickly as possible I promise. I really enjoyed Talking to and seeing you again at AC. You're such a wonderful person to talk to. :). Who would have guessed that underneath at angry otter lies a wonderful guy. :). *hug*
And thank you, always enjoy talking to you too! *hugs*
I do hope that things will turn up better for you. *hugs*
I've had a few friends who have a similar situation as you (and a few cousins as well). My hopes and prayers go out to you, and I hope you'll be right-as-rain soon.
I actually do think of you frequently. Part of that is, in fact, due to that artwork you drew for me (the one I had framed). I have it in my hallway, and I pass it every morning on my way to work. I stop, for just a split second, look at the humor you presented me with in that drawing, smile, and it makes my day brighter.
And when I think back on when I first met you at FC... and ended up BS'ing with you and Keenyfox for over an hour.. I bust up cuz you're a lot of fun to hang with.
I've had a few friends (and even my Dad) go through the Angioplasty. My hopes and prayer's go out to you.
Most of all don't forget the three basic rules to getting better:
1) Be tenacious! GET BETTER!
2) Follow the doctor's orders - remember - they're there to help!
3) DON'T chase the nurses! Unless they're DAMN cute!
As far as the masses,you will always see others thinking of how things effect them at least to some degree. Life is what it is.You have to take happiness where you can find it and give it as you can.You never can control what others think or feel unfortunately
Your art is amazing, and the couple commissions you did for me are wonderful. I'm also a big fan of Hodges Pond, because I see what you're putting into it. I see it clear as day, and it's the same thing I've tried to do with the Balto stories I've written. It's the same thing that motivates both of us to do what we do, and it's why we see Balto the same way.
We even share the same birthday! I've been hoping that we would be able to hang out more, but FC is the only time we both seem to be in the same place. I hope we can still hang out at some point in the future. So get through this and keep going with Hodges Pond, and keep doing great things with your art.
I'll keep my little pony hooves crossed for you!
I will certainly pray that things turn for the better, and soon. I'm hoping you're starting to get the support that would be so beneficial at this point.
My Dad went through angioplasty and stents a few years ago. He's doing great now. There's plenty of reasons to expect success. The best one being it was caught before a major episode.
Thanks again for all you've done for me, for Rainfurrest, and for the furry fandom.
*hugs*
*hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggles tight*
*you* are in my thoughts and prayers daily...