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Pondering Thoughts About the Future
11 years ago
Welcome to Balto's Journal
Well 2014 is here and for me the year has started off much like every other. Thankfully I have finished my comic book project. For those interested (if any) it can be purchased here: http://hodgespond.com/index.php/974-2/
I have also been working on the Rainfurrest pins and patches for 2014. Those are always a fun for me. However despite some fun projects, lately I've just not been in the mood to do much of anything. In this post I wanted to share some personal feelings I have been having as of late. I know some of you have noticed and have asked what has been going on with me, well I think perhaps this may be a good opportunity to share. This is nothing sudden, but rather something that I have been feeling for a few years now. I'm not sure whats been causing this but I know part of it has to do with having to endure more loss in my life that I care to deal with.
Most of the recent issues started back in 2008 when I moved from CA out to Texas. I knew leaving CA was a big step for me and leaving everything I had behind to start over was not easy even tho I never really had much of a family life it was still tough to leave home. Ill spare you the detail of my "wonderful" childhood memories and "warm family moments" long story short my parents were glad to be rid of me and to this day don't care I exist. Thankfully the feeling was mutual, but at any rate, It was my hope that by getting a fresh start in Texas things would get better and at first that seemed to be true until I got sick. It was then I realized I had no support structure. Lying in a hospital room thinking one is going to die and not having anyone care that your gone is probably the worse feeling any one could ever have and that was exactly how I was feeling. When I turned to my "best friend" for moral support I soon found out exactly where I stood as he couldn't be bothered to care. Oddly at the same time I started to noticed that other people who I thought were close friends soon stopped talking to me and eventually disappeared as well. I don't know what it is but I seem to have a gift of being a social pariah at least has seemed that way my whole life I wish things weren't that way.
Anyhow, this year I turned 44 and I realized that in the 44 years i've been alive I can honestly say I have never really had a single close friend or some one I can relate to and talk with. Lately its just been hard to cope with those feelings of isolation That's kind of whats been dragging my mood down. Someone I used to know once said.. at the heart of every pessimist is a disappointed optimist. .. ain't that the truth. Anyone who knows me knows that at the core I'm an optimist but lately these feelings have sapped much of the optimism out of me. Despite my efforts i fail at relationships of any kind. I attribute a lot of my inability to engage socially to my "loving parents" I think that is what makes it hard for me to connect with people. I ofter feel like damaged goods. Despite this I don't blame others for this .. Honestly I blame myself. The problem clearly lies with me not them. In a way feeling isolated like this is kind of what lead to me using the Fur-name Balto. Like the character I could relate with how if feels like to not fit in and be looked down on and treated like an outcast. That's been the cycle of my life ever since I was about 8 years old. Growing up like that really messed with my s confidence and self esteem, and it took years to even get to a point where I could function socially. People just don't realize what a terrible feeling it is to not be able to connect with people and even worse when people choose not to want to connect with you simply because you are not like them. People can be cruel.
In addition to all this .. currently I've been having some personal health issue that I've not shared with anyone until now. I can only hope that maybe Ill be able to check out here soon and rather than continue to be frustrated with trying to accomplish things that are clearly an exercise in futility. I have been contemplating giving up on several things so I can focus on enjoying the time I have. When I think about the future and where I will be in 5 years, I don't like what I see. If I'm still around in 5 years I know that I don't want to be doing this. I think for the most part I've had a good run and have no regrets about things. I've just been saddened by the realization that my Journey thought life will probably be as a solo trip. I don't expect people to understand, sympathize or care. We all have our own burdens to bare and this is mine. I just wanted to share with the people who know me and who do genuinely care what was on my mind. To you I am grateful. Your kind words and encouragement have always mean a lot to me. I hope you will always remember to be kind to each other and never be quick to judge one another. You never know how beneficial or damaging your words can be to some one else.
Thanks for letting me share what was on my mind.
I have also been working on the Rainfurrest pins and patches for 2014. Those are always a fun for me. However despite some fun projects, lately I've just not been in the mood to do much of anything. In this post I wanted to share some personal feelings I have been having as of late. I know some of you have noticed and have asked what has been going on with me, well I think perhaps this may be a good opportunity to share. This is nothing sudden, but rather something that I have been feeling for a few years now. I'm not sure whats been causing this but I know part of it has to do with having to endure more loss in my life that I care to deal with.
Most of the recent issues started back in 2008 when I moved from CA out to Texas. I knew leaving CA was a big step for me and leaving everything I had behind to start over was not easy even tho I never really had much of a family life it was still tough to leave home. Ill spare you the detail of my "wonderful" childhood memories and "warm family moments" long story short my parents were glad to be rid of me and to this day don't care I exist. Thankfully the feeling was mutual, but at any rate, It was my hope that by getting a fresh start in Texas things would get better and at first that seemed to be true until I got sick. It was then I realized I had no support structure. Lying in a hospital room thinking one is going to die and not having anyone care that your gone is probably the worse feeling any one could ever have and that was exactly how I was feeling. When I turned to my "best friend" for moral support I soon found out exactly where I stood as he couldn't be bothered to care. Oddly at the same time I started to noticed that other people who I thought were close friends soon stopped talking to me and eventually disappeared as well. I don't know what it is but I seem to have a gift of being a social pariah at least has seemed that way my whole life I wish things weren't that way.
Anyhow, this year I turned 44 and I realized that in the 44 years i've been alive I can honestly say I have never really had a single close friend or some one I can relate to and talk with. Lately its just been hard to cope with those feelings of isolation That's kind of whats been dragging my mood down. Someone I used to know once said.. at the heart of every pessimist is a disappointed optimist. .. ain't that the truth. Anyone who knows me knows that at the core I'm an optimist but lately these feelings have sapped much of the optimism out of me. Despite my efforts i fail at relationships of any kind. I attribute a lot of my inability to engage socially to my "loving parents" I think that is what makes it hard for me to connect with people. I ofter feel like damaged goods. Despite this I don't blame others for this .. Honestly I blame myself. The problem clearly lies with me not them. In a way feeling isolated like this is kind of what lead to me using the Fur-name Balto. Like the character I could relate with how if feels like to not fit in and be looked down on and treated like an outcast. That's been the cycle of my life ever since I was about 8 years old. Growing up like that really messed with my s confidence and self esteem, and it took years to even get to a point where I could function socially. People just don't realize what a terrible feeling it is to not be able to connect with people and even worse when people choose not to want to connect with you simply because you are not like them. People can be cruel.
In addition to all this .. currently I've been having some personal health issue that I've not shared with anyone until now. I can only hope that maybe Ill be able to check out here soon and rather than continue to be frustrated with trying to accomplish things that are clearly an exercise in futility. I have been contemplating giving up on several things so I can focus on enjoying the time I have. When I think about the future and where I will be in 5 years, I don't like what I see. If I'm still around in 5 years I know that I don't want to be doing this. I think for the most part I've had a good run and have no regrets about things. I've just been saddened by the realization that my Journey thought life will probably be as a solo trip. I don't expect people to understand, sympathize or care. We all have our own burdens to bare and this is mine. I just wanted to share with the people who know me and who do genuinely care what was on my mind. To you I am grateful. Your kind words and encouragement have always mean a lot to me. I hope you will always remember to be kind to each other and never be quick to judge one another. You never know how beneficial or damaging your words can be to some one else.
Thanks for letting me share what was on my mind.
I look forward to picking up your book when I'm able to.
Now don't get me wrong I love helping people and being there for them when they need help or just need a shoulder to cry on. I just wish at times I had the same option. This has been something hard to talk about because when ever one does most people just accuse one of being whiney or emo and you know how that usually ends up, it becomes a feeding frenzy of insults from people trying to better their self esteem at the expense of someone else's pain. That's why I have a hard time talking about it here. Although Talking about it seems to help deal with these feelings and I appreciate people like yourself who understand and not judge. I hope your situation will improve too no one should have to walk life's road alone.
I've always enjoyed talking to you at TFF, i literally could stand there and talk to you all day :P you're like one of the main people i look forward to meeting every year at TFF and i try to make it a point to come and talk to you. I'm super glad we got a picture together to, you don't know how much that means to me!
Wish i lived in Dallas, i'm sure we coulda been great buds.
you gave me your number at TFF, i haven't texted to you since i dont want to be a bother, idk how busy your schedule is. plus i dont know if you would even wanna bother with dumb 25yr old anyways hehe.
i think think it's neat, from this, you show us never to take for granted our blessings in our life, in this case, our parents.
im sorry to hear about how your folks are, but i look up to you for being a strong individual thus far. at least thats how i see you :)
I'm sure that you have friends who support you and care about you. I would totally hang out with you and be your buddy if we lived closer! I can understand the lonely feeling. I work an odd schedule where I am off Mondays and Tuesdays. This causes me to miss out of a lot of social opportunities with friends. Everyone I know is either working or unavailable on my days off so I am almost always alone. It sucks and I fall in this rut of "what am I going to do? I wish there was someone to hang out with."
Anyway, I know I rambled and I don't know if anything I said helps, but know this: You_Are_Appreciated.
If you ever need a friend to talk, you can always shoot me a text.
Feel better soon *hug*
Do not let me be misunderstood. While I can hate this world at times, I love it so much as well. I think everyone feels like this in one form or another.
I mean violence, swearing, kidnappings, murders, cruelty, wars, disasters natural or otherwise, it can all become so....overbearing. And when I look at people when I'm around them and hear or see these things, it's like they accept it as an inevitability because they can't/won't or are too scared to do anything about it. If all that is the definition of "growing up" then I'll take and continue to never take any part in that. However, some of what I've listed ARE inevitabilities, but not for what or why people think they are. It's because of Story that they're inevitable. Story and certain permanence. That's my thought on it anyway.
I will NEVER grow up in a way that I deem abominable. I know that sounds selfish and jaded and close-minded, but given how you pointed out that people are cruel given your personal experience, you've forgotten something else: that people can become a disease. Not ALL people, I know, remember the operative word "can". I've met three completely different people on three different days in the span of different months, including today, that I never thought I'd get along with given how they acted, looked or believed. But I did. Complete strangers and I getting along, all because of taking the chance to make small talk, or indulge or just act on something RIGHT.
Do NOT give up hope of finding friendship, sir. There are always chances of finding good people, who are willing to understand, help and open to you. Even if you've grown up with them, or if you have to wait almost half your life for those person(s) to come along. Alienation's not a pretty thing, but it's always fun to stand out in a positive way.
May your future be bright, like a star or the after, and greet the day like a kid
I think it's safe to say yes furries are very nice and kind people bit when it comes to who they interact with they tend to stick to their own kind. Which I understand and I'm ok with. I just do not buy into how "inclusive" furries are with people because unfortunately that's unfortunately not been my experience.
Unfortunately logistics precluded me from attending FC 2014 (and will probably do so again for FC 2015), but if I had gone I would have definitely visited you in the Dealers Den. It's really a shame that I've never had a chance to just talk to you outside of the hustle and bustle of a furry con since I always enjoy seeing you at cons.
The additional plus for me is meeting and knowing someone who is my age. I may be some 10 months or so younger -- my birthday is in November -- but I'm still a product of the 80s. :)
I could have probably done a better job of keeping in touch, and for that I apologize. But FWIW, I'm willing to be there -- virtually if not physically -- and be your wingman (wingkat?). (Air Force furry types will get the "wingman" reference, I'm sure.)