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2015 and beyond..
11 years ago
Welcome to Balto's Journal
Well, if you have been following my twitter and Journal posts on FA I suppose this news will not come to any ones surprise but after several years of debate.. I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I will be scaling back my participation in the furry fandom.
As some of you know I came into the Fandom back in 2004-5 not really knowing what I was getting into. When I came in I honestly really didn't have much going for me, i grew up in a broken family and like most people who had joined the fandom were outsiders or people who never really fit in any where. For me that has always been the case even from a very young age. I was the kid at school who got picked on and made fun of for being different, and always was the guy always by himself, because no one wanted to be friends with some one like me. Aways smiling and pretending everything was fine, It wasn't easy growing up but I got used to being an outcast as may of you can also relate to. So when I heard about the furry fandom I decided to give it a try, I concluded that I couldn't be any worse off than I was. Despite efforts to fit in, in the 10 years I have been in the fandom I continue to find myself on the outside looking in and lately its just been too frustrating to try and continue to deceive myself that this is where I belong. Don't misunderstand me I am not blaming the fandom. clearly the issues lie with me as this has been a theme all my life. My parents did a good job screwing me up as a kid so I suppose I'm just damaged goods always have been always will be. What has also been frustrating is that I also seem to have a way of annoying people and it really is painful to watch people who I thought were friends avoid me and eventually disappear. Friends who I thought were close or best friends no longer around for reason I have yet to understand. I feel perhaps I am not furry enough or entertaining enough, something I also have not understood. Its for those kind of experiences I feel I need to move on.
For this year 2014 I will be at AC and Rainfurrest but will then be scaling back the conventions I will attend. in 2015 I will cut back my cons from 5 to 2. I will only be attending Furry Fiesta and Rainfurrest. Like I said the main reason for my decision is because as time has gone by I have found the famdom to be more frustrating to me than anything else. Even after 10 years I have failed to make any significant friendships or connections in the fandom beyond the people who talk to me at cons or those who comments on twitter or on FA. While I appreciate those people I do not feel I will find what I am looking for in the furry fandom. To those people who I have upset I'm sorry for what ever I did to upset you. I wish I knew what that was. Anyhow, I do not wish to drag this out and this is not some "I'm leaving the fandom forever" post, all I am saying is I am cutting back my participation in the fandom and I will decide from there how I will proceed. I may continue to just do 2 cons a year if that works out better for me. I am not sure yet. Just need to wait and see.
I also wanted to mention that I am no longer actively posting on Twitter and my posts here on FA will eventually be non existent in the months to come. To the readers of my Web comic .. if any .. I wante to to officially say that I have discontinued production on my web comic Hodges Pond. Sorry that it wasn't furry enough. I also have to admit that It's been difficult and painful to write a comic about best friends and close personal relationships when I have no clue what its like to have either. I started Orville, Critter County and Hodges Pond with the hope that people would learn to appreciate each other and understand how rare and beautiful a friendship is. We live in a world of disposable friendships, it shouldn't be that way but it is. Perhaps I just have an old fashion or naive view of like. The comic was also an opportunity for me to share with the readers how we should treat each other with kindness and realize that our actions affect those around us. So for me the more I became frustrated with my own in ability to make friends or connect with people only made writing a comic with this theme more painful and difficult for me. What made it even more difficult is fact that many of the character are actually named after people who where once close friends of mine who have now since long since disappeared. I hope you will understand my reasons for not continuing.
To those if you who have been more than just an occasional "hello" at a con, I honestly appreciate you guys, thank you for the kindness and support you have shown me in the time I have been here. I appreciate you more than you will ever know and I know because I am scaling back my attendance to some con that I may no longer see some of you, for that I am deeply sorry but I this is something I need to do. My only regret is that did not have the opportunity to properly say good bye. Please now that I wish you all the best and it is my wish that you find what you are looking for in life. As for me perhaps I will eventually find my place in this world but at age 44 I often feel that Ill run out of time before that happens. Regardless Ill just keep on down the highway till I get to my next destination It's been an interesting 10 years thank you,
- Albert C Pena "Balto"
"Not a dog. Not a wolf. All he knows is what he's not." - Boris
As some of you know I came into the Fandom back in 2004-5 not really knowing what I was getting into. When I came in I honestly really didn't have much going for me, i grew up in a broken family and like most people who had joined the fandom were outsiders or people who never really fit in any where. For me that has always been the case even from a very young age. I was the kid at school who got picked on and made fun of for being different, and always was the guy always by himself, because no one wanted to be friends with some one like me. Aways smiling and pretending everything was fine, It wasn't easy growing up but I got used to being an outcast as may of you can also relate to. So when I heard about the furry fandom I decided to give it a try, I concluded that I couldn't be any worse off than I was. Despite efforts to fit in, in the 10 years I have been in the fandom I continue to find myself on the outside looking in and lately its just been too frustrating to try and continue to deceive myself that this is where I belong. Don't misunderstand me I am not blaming the fandom. clearly the issues lie with me as this has been a theme all my life. My parents did a good job screwing me up as a kid so I suppose I'm just damaged goods always have been always will be. What has also been frustrating is that I also seem to have a way of annoying people and it really is painful to watch people who I thought were friends avoid me and eventually disappear. Friends who I thought were close or best friends no longer around for reason I have yet to understand. I feel perhaps I am not furry enough or entertaining enough, something I also have not understood. Its for those kind of experiences I feel I need to move on.
For this year 2014 I will be at AC and Rainfurrest but will then be scaling back the conventions I will attend. in 2015 I will cut back my cons from 5 to 2. I will only be attending Furry Fiesta and Rainfurrest. Like I said the main reason for my decision is because as time has gone by I have found the famdom to be more frustrating to me than anything else. Even after 10 years I have failed to make any significant friendships or connections in the fandom beyond the people who talk to me at cons or those who comments on twitter or on FA. While I appreciate those people I do not feel I will find what I am looking for in the furry fandom. To those people who I have upset I'm sorry for what ever I did to upset you. I wish I knew what that was. Anyhow, I do not wish to drag this out and this is not some "I'm leaving the fandom forever" post, all I am saying is I am cutting back my participation in the fandom and I will decide from there how I will proceed. I may continue to just do 2 cons a year if that works out better for me. I am not sure yet. Just need to wait and see.
I also wanted to mention that I am no longer actively posting on Twitter and my posts here on FA will eventually be non existent in the months to come. To the readers of my Web comic .. if any .. I wante to to officially say that I have discontinued production on my web comic Hodges Pond. Sorry that it wasn't furry enough. I also have to admit that It's been difficult and painful to write a comic about best friends and close personal relationships when I have no clue what its like to have either. I started Orville, Critter County and Hodges Pond with the hope that people would learn to appreciate each other and understand how rare and beautiful a friendship is. We live in a world of disposable friendships, it shouldn't be that way but it is. Perhaps I just have an old fashion or naive view of like. The comic was also an opportunity for me to share with the readers how we should treat each other with kindness and realize that our actions affect those around us. So for me the more I became frustrated with my own in ability to make friends or connect with people only made writing a comic with this theme more painful and difficult for me. What made it even more difficult is fact that many of the character are actually named after people who where once close friends of mine who have now since long since disappeared. I hope you will understand my reasons for not continuing.
To those if you who have been more than just an occasional "hello" at a con, I honestly appreciate you guys, thank you for the kindness and support you have shown me in the time I have been here. I appreciate you more than you will ever know and I know because I am scaling back my attendance to some con that I may no longer see some of you, for that I am deeply sorry but I this is something I need to do. My only regret is that did not have the opportunity to properly say good bye. Please now that I wish you all the best and it is my wish that you find what you are looking for in life. As for me perhaps I will eventually find my place in this world but at age 44 I often feel that Ill run out of time before that happens. Regardless Ill just keep on down the highway till I get to my next destination It's been an interesting 10 years thank you,
- Albert C Pena "Balto"
"Not a dog. Not a wolf. All he knows is what he's not." - Boris
I was just reading your post, and I understand. Whether I am able to see and visit with you at a con, or occasionally drop you a note (email or otherwise) just know you made a friend here.
There maybe times, when I don't get a chance to interact with you, and other friends, on a daily basis; life does get in the way at times.
But, having been officially involved in the fandom for 4 years, I can say you are one of many who've been a bright point! And, as you know, I love having long conversations with you. I probably have talked your ears off, but..., well..
As for the comic, it really is a gem, and I do understand the choice you've made, based on your explanation. I can't speak for anyone else, just myself. It hit just the right note IMO, but readers can be fickle (and I've seen some very fickle people in this fandom all ready). Just don't let their narrow view of comics and artwork hold you back.
Muddy
PS: I always see that wonderful drawing you did for me, hanging on the wall of my home. I pass it on my way to work, and it greats me upon my return. What a wonderful joy it's brought me. Thanks!
It's just not for me anymore and it's not like I haven't tried. I've been at this since 2005 and after all this time I'm still feeling like an outsider. Maybe it's just me but I can't continue down this road anymore despite the few good people out there for me the cons have out weighed the pros in my assessment of the fandom. For the sake of my well being I need to move on.
I will no longer be attending FC Or AC. I am only attending RF tho I'm not sure how long that will continue. Anyhow I hope you know I have always appreciated you and I too will miss you.
I thought it was you distancing from me but again I hope you are well and hope we can talk. Missed ya buddy.
Either way, best of luck to you in your journeys! Hopefully you'll find what you are looking for some day!
I do hope to keep in touch with you somehow, whether it's here, on LJ or elsewhere. I'm most active on Facebook but tend to let the other blogs/social media sites slide.
Still, I wish you all the best and hope things do work out for you, whether in or out of the fandom.
Even the people who claim to be my friends are never around seems like the only time my "friends" talk to me is when they have nothing better to do or need or want something. Just got sick of being used and treated like this. Honestly me leaving isn't going to change my relationship with my "friends" anyhow since I'll still see and talk to them the same as I do now... Never so really for them there is no difference there. The only difference is at least I wouldn't have to waste my time putting time in dead end relationships.
I just think it time I put my efforts into other things that don't frustrate me I was warned repeatedly that the furry fandom was a dead end when is first got in, at least I found out what i needed to see on my own. Of course not all is bad about the fandom. There are some good people like yourself and a few other so by no means am I saying it's all bad.
Anyhow thank you for being a friend I will miss you too.
Depending on what happens with my job (there's a _possibility_ of me getting a higher-paying position), I may be able to go to FC and RF. Probably not for 2015, though, at least not for FC. If I'm able to go to RF it probably won't be until 2015 at the earliest though.
I've past only 5 years of being associated with the fandom, but boy oh boy, I know I've had feelings of not being able to relate with the other furries. Now I wish I had gotten to know you better--I'd pass by your table and say "Hi," but not really knowing much else to talk about. Fortunately, RainFurrest is my go-to convention--and living in Kansas City puts TFF within striking distance, as well.
Hopefully, there are good tidings for you in the days to come. I'm always wishing you the best.
I do recall speaking with you on a few occasions I especially liked your badge. I thought you came across as a "normal" furry. I think that's why I enjoyed talking to you. I'm sorry you have felt like an outsider in the fandom. I know how that is I hope you know I would welcome friends like you. I have appreciated the times we have spoken and I would welcome speaking with you again. I'll be at AC and RF this year.
I wish you the best and hope that you too will find where you fit in. *hug*
I do hope you can find what you're looking for, and I always have. Don't be a stranger!
also, nooooo you're quitting Hodges Pond? :( thats like the only fur comic that i actually read and now its gone
Best quote ever by Abraham Lincoln, one of my heroes for sure: “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
-T
I hope since we live relatively close we can keep in touch. You have my phone # and I believe I have yours maybe we can connect again some time in the future. :)
Although I honestly hadn't kept up with it as intended due to loss of family, and just my own loss of interest in various things for no truly good reason, I found your comic rather nice. I don't know if you ever had read/seen it, but it had a sort of Ozzy and Millie sort of feel to it. Something that pertained to real-world situations, but yet had its own unique anthroness to it. I know you wish to cut back on such things, but I'd hate to see you end your artistic endeavors altogether since you have a knack for it.
Though your list of friends may not be the longest, I am praying you aren't going to forget those who are. I tend to live by the thought that a few trustworthy and good friends is much better than a 1000 people who call you friend, but would flee the moment you quit being cool, popular, or life started to decline in some fashion. I hope things get better for you, Balto. Sometimes stepping back and analyzing things in your life is a good way of getting a handle on things and figuring out what you really and truly seek in life. It is so easy to get roped into a status quo of chasing what we think are dreams, chasing them until we realize we are lost in the woods. Please do take care of yourself in whatever you do.