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14 years ago
I just did it up today. How, you might ask? Well, while I suck at drawing, I'm experienced doing pixel art. Like some of my fondest memories include messing around in MS Paint as a kid making comics with my family, making up stories as we went along. My first experience working in pixels was at age 10, when I wanted orange, which MS Paint on Windows 3.1 just didn't have, so I went and alternated red and yellow pixels to make a carrot.
Why do I not do a ton of pixel art? Well, I do, just not here. Most of it is dedicated to graphics for a few game projects I have (learning to program them is another matter). Plus, it's effing time-consuming. Like, I did this avatar up all at once, and it took me a good hour or more. I might make a few improvements later, but right now I'm short on time.
Does this mean I'm making a fursona for myself? Yes and no. I mean, I guess a cheetah is as good as anything, and I've had the appearance on my mind for a while now, especially the glasses, but I guess it's not really "me." Like, it's no one, or at least no one in particular. I just figured I'd break down and put a cheetah up there, since it's my account name, which, keep in mind, was slightly stolen, so the cheetah up there isn't really "Jesse," either.
I guess you could say it's less an avatar and more a change of pace with me putting up something I actually built from the ground up instead of a picture of a net overlaid over a picture of the sky. It's certainly nicer to look at. It just doesn't mean I've actually gone properly furry. :/
Edit: Oh, like wow. I forgot about the whole thing where it posts with shouts and junk, too. I just visited Moriko's page and saw it up there and was like "Whoa...! That really looks like a furry...!"
Like, okay, yeah, putting up an actual cheetah fur, even one that I made and have had in silent mental development for months, was just a little bit out of my comfort zone, or else I wouldn't have made this journal explaining it in the first place, but it really just hit me that that's now essentially my face on here, and it's, like, an actual face, not just some anonymous image. I'm honestly not sure if I'm comfortable enough with that to let it stay.
I mean, it would be a real asshole thing of me to say I'm not comfortable with furries. I am, or else I wouldn't be here. We're all people. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable committing to having an actual face on here, or at least one that's not human. Like I've always said, I don't see myself as one, or even really as any animal in particular. I... think I'm going to have to think about this... It's not that I don't want to have the pic up on my page. I'm rather proud of it given how fast I cranked it out, and it makes me more confident in my ability to do stuff for my game ideas. I just don't want people thinking that it's me when it's not.
I know this probably sounds really dickish, freaking out over people thinking I'm a fur, but, well, aside from the fact that people probably already assume I am just from being here, I guess I just don't know if it's the face I want people to think of when they think of me. It sounds pretty pathetic saying I'm a human, but having "cheetah" in my account name, and then having a cheetah in my avatar. Like, pathetic and defensive and in denial.
*sigh* I think I'm taking it down for now. I have to really think and decide. Maybe I'll upload it and get your guys' feedback on it. I just, it kinda just hit me that I was giving people a face to see me as, and if I'm doing that, I want that face to be me.
Edit again:
Wow. Reading that up there now makes me feel like a total heel. I'm actually disappointed in myself for reacting that badly to my realization. But, in the interest of honesty, I guess it stays. I really haven't changed as much as I'd like in my time here. I put up my first story two years ago and seeing myself flipping out like that showed me I'm still the same guy in a blind panic about the whole "furry" thing from back then. That was honestly something I'd hoped I'd left behind.
I mean I'm not a furry, at least not in the sense of the whole fursona aspect (the porn is just fine), and at this point I'm comfortable saying that's probably not changing. It just saddens me that I'm still as scared sh*tless of being mistaken for one as I was when I started writing. Granted, it's a question of identity, but it shouldn't be that important of one that I react that badly when there's a chance of it happening. Especially since there's already a good chance it happens every day.
At any rate, I've posted up the image and the proper questions in this submission. Please post comments in there for providing feedback on whether I should use it, but if you're going to berate me for/be understanding about this journal itself, please keep it here.
Edit once more:
Reading two edits ago again, you know what? I didn't handle it nearly as bad as I thought I did in my last edit. Those are valid concerns and while, yeah, maybe I did flip a little bit, I'm better than I was two years ago.
I guess this is just an emotional roller coaster, but then it's a big decision for a sleep-deprived guy. Like I said, an avatar is the face you put out to the world. I've been using other faces elsewhere for so long that I haven't actually had to think about it since about... 2005 or so. That's a very, very long time.
At any rate, I know I put it up to you guys to decide, but you know what? I'm better than that, too. I mean not like better than you guys, but I'm going to do what I did this morning: grow a pair, take the bull by the horns, and make the change. Even if it's not my face, it's at least a face, which is a step up from a fishing net on clouds.
Why do I not do a ton of pixel art? Well, I do, just not here. Most of it is dedicated to graphics for a few game projects I have (learning to program them is another matter). Plus, it's effing time-consuming. Like, I did this avatar up all at once, and it took me a good hour or more. I might make a few improvements later, but right now I'm short on time.
Does this mean I'm making a fursona for myself? Yes and no. I mean, I guess a cheetah is as good as anything, and I've had the appearance on my mind for a while now, especially the glasses, but I guess it's not really "me." Like, it's no one, or at least no one in particular. I just figured I'd break down and put a cheetah up there, since it's my account name, which, keep in mind, was slightly stolen, so the cheetah up there isn't really "Jesse," either.
I guess you could say it's less an avatar and more a change of pace with me putting up something I actually built from the ground up instead of a picture of a net overlaid over a picture of the sky. It's certainly nicer to look at. It just doesn't mean I've actually gone properly furry. :/
Edit: Oh, like wow. I forgot about the whole thing where it posts with shouts and junk, too. I just visited Moriko's page and saw it up there and was like "Whoa...! That really looks like a furry...!"
Like, okay, yeah, putting up an actual cheetah fur, even one that I made and have had in silent mental development for months, was just a little bit out of my comfort zone, or else I wouldn't have made this journal explaining it in the first place, but it really just hit me that that's now essentially my face on here, and it's, like, an actual face, not just some anonymous image. I'm honestly not sure if I'm comfortable enough with that to let it stay.
I mean, it would be a real asshole thing of me to say I'm not comfortable with furries. I am, or else I wouldn't be here. We're all people. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable committing to having an actual face on here, or at least one that's not human. Like I've always said, I don't see myself as one, or even really as any animal in particular. I... think I'm going to have to think about this... It's not that I don't want to have the pic up on my page. I'm rather proud of it given how fast I cranked it out, and it makes me more confident in my ability to do stuff for my game ideas. I just don't want people thinking that it's me when it's not.
I know this probably sounds really dickish, freaking out over people thinking I'm a fur, but, well, aside from the fact that people probably already assume I am just from being here, I guess I just don't know if it's the face I want people to think of when they think of me. It sounds pretty pathetic saying I'm a human, but having "cheetah" in my account name, and then having a cheetah in my avatar. Like, pathetic and defensive and in denial.
*sigh* I think I'm taking it down for now. I have to really think and decide. Maybe I'll upload it and get your guys' feedback on it. I just, it kinda just hit me that I was giving people a face to see me as, and if I'm doing that, I want that face to be me.
Edit again:
I mean I'm not a furry, at least not in the sense of the whole fursona aspect (the porn is just fine), and at this point I'm comfortable saying that's probably not changing. It just saddens me that I'm still as scared sh*tless of being mistaken for one as I was when I started writing. Granted, it's a question of identity, but it shouldn't be that important of one that I react that badly when there's a chance of it happening. Especially since there's already a good chance it happens every day.
At any rate, I've posted up the image and the proper questions in this submission. Please post comments in there for providing feedback on whether I should use it, but if you're going to berate me for/be understanding about this journal itself, please keep it here.
Edit once more:
Reading two edits ago again, you know what? I didn't handle it nearly as bad as I thought I did in my last edit. Those are valid concerns and while, yeah, maybe I did flip a little bit, I'm better than I was two years ago.
I guess this is just an emotional roller coaster, but then it's a big decision for a sleep-deprived guy. Like I said, an avatar is the face you put out to the world. I've been using other faces elsewhere for so long that I haven't actually had to think about it since about... 2005 or so. That's a very, very long time.
At any rate, I know I put it up to you guys to decide, but you know what? I'm better than that, too. I mean not like better than you guys, but I'm going to do what I did this morning: grow a pair, take the bull by the horns, and make the change. Even if it's not my face, it's at least a face, which is a step up from a fishing net on clouds.
