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Update on... stuff. WARNING, TMI!
12 years ago
Essentially, this account is all but abandoned. I've lost my interest in writing smut because I don't even have energy for more important things. This is not to say I don't still get ideas, just that more likely than not I'll save the pic somewhere for the unforeseen future and maybe someday see it and see the same thing in it.
That said, I've gotten a little more... experimental in the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion I'm bi, if only for the furry aspect, and I've broken down and am now the owner of two dildos, with a third on the way.
The two on hand are from Zeta Paws and my first was Mr. Pluggit, which I figured would be small enough to hide, and I was right. The thing is it's actually so small I can't tolerate it for long, since it doesn't keep things really either open or closed. It starts hurting, despite the fact it's supposed to be a "wear it anywhere, sleep with it" kind of deal.
My second one is Darius the Lion, which arrived today. This one I tried out and wished I'd gotten it in hard instead of medium like Pluggit, because it wasn't cooperating very nicely in the shower. I'm now glad I got it the way it is, because after a bit of being dry, I decided to see how it would feel spit-lubed under normal clothes. And for the most part, it, well, it feels like it belongs there. I probably WILL sleep with this in, despite the fact it's not designed for that.
I suppose you could say it's because it's in line with what I'm used to. Without going into embarrassing detail, the dream world is a bit kinder to me than the real world, which is why I went with a feline one for my first "real" toy. Having this here feels like what I have there and it's a comfort for me in my time of need, because frankly life just outright took a shit on me in the past few weeks with several major events (thankfully none with work) that have left me first terrified, and when I got over that one, pretty much emotionally shattered.
I won't ruminate on these, but I'm dealing with two sick pets, one of which has aggressive, untreatable cancer, and I'm faced with the reality that everyone else in the family is treating me like the emotional rock of the situation.
So basically being able to pull that little bit of physical contact into the physical world is a comfort. A little piece of the rocks I relied on since my teen years to get me through everything, when I really wish I could just pull them through. Because I really, REALLY could use something big and soft and warm to cuddle, and with my family pretty much scattered right now, I can't even get a hug.
I'll avoid being too much of a downer and tell you about my last one. Just Google up "orc dildo" and you'll find it. The seller is on Etsy and for $5 off, you can pick up a "failed" unit from them, which usually isn't "broken" so much as a color fade failed. Even though it's still $70, I liked the look of it, and fell in love with one in hard in particular with an uneven pink-green fade, because it's a really nice combo even when "bad" that has a purple intermediate. I wanted one in hard because the soft being comparable to "a slightly stale gummy bear" does not sound like something I want going really ANYWHERE in my body and from pics I've seen of people squishing it, there's no way in Hell I wouldn't wreck the thing trying to get it in, inexperienced as I am. Hard is "like a hard cock, but slightly bendy" or something like that. Probably not something comfy to keep in at all times, but I won't be ripping it in half fighting with it, either.
As silly as it sounds, this doesn't change who I fall in love with. Guys are the ones I ogle and I'll admit in that regard I'm flat out a sub. I have no interest in putting my meat in another guy, but am not adverse to having some come my way. But in that regard, any relationship I'd have with a guy would be at most friends with benefits, because it's a different kind of love. More like "I'd share anything with someone I care about that much, including myself." And I just don't have that IRL. IRL, I just don't see guys that way, or maybe it's human guys that way, to get that close.
Girls are the ones I end up falling in love with and I still see myself settling down with one, once I stop getting ball-stomped every time I try to have a relationship with one (seriously, first try in high school was "let's remain friends" and the second one I asked out more recently outright stopped serving me at the restaurant she works at after us talking for a year, just because I asked). I don't fall in love with just anyone, either. I'm in for "Mrs. Right," not "Mrs. Right Now," and unfortunately, I'm not in a position to be meeting anyone outside of a small group of women, frankly, at the restaurants I frequent on my lunch breaks. Time is still something I just don't have. At this point I'm just biding my time until I can transfer to a location closer to home within the next year in hopes I can hold out until normal life becomes possible again.
Anyway, until then I just have to hope and wait. I can't say the "guys" I have now are really liberating, but they feel good, which is all I can ask for.
That said, I've gotten a little more... experimental in the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion I'm bi, if only for the furry aspect, and I've broken down and am now the owner of two dildos, with a third on the way.
The two on hand are from Zeta Paws and my first was Mr. Pluggit, which I figured would be small enough to hide, and I was right. The thing is it's actually so small I can't tolerate it for long, since it doesn't keep things really either open or closed. It starts hurting, despite the fact it's supposed to be a "wear it anywhere, sleep with it" kind of deal.
My second one is Darius the Lion, which arrived today. This one I tried out and wished I'd gotten it in hard instead of medium like Pluggit, because it wasn't cooperating very nicely in the shower. I'm now glad I got it the way it is, because after a bit of being dry, I decided to see how it would feel spit-lubed under normal clothes. And for the most part, it, well, it feels like it belongs there. I probably WILL sleep with this in, despite the fact it's not designed for that.
I suppose you could say it's because it's in line with what I'm used to. Without going into embarrassing detail, the dream world is a bit kinder to me than the real world, which is why I went with a feline one for my first "real" toy. Having this here feels like what I have there and it's a comfort for me in my time of need, because frankly life just outright took a shit on me in the past few weeks with several major events (thankfully none with work) that have left me first terrified, and when I got over that one, pretty much emotionally shattered.
I won't ruminate on these, but I'm dealing with two sick pets, one of which has aggressive, untreatable cancer, and I'm faced with the reality that everyone else in the family is treating me like the emotional rock of the situation.
So basically being able to pull that little bit of physical contact into the physical world is a comfort. A little piece of the rocks I relied on since my teen years to get me through everything, when I really wish I could just pull them through. Because I really, REALLY could use something big and soft and warm to cuddle, and with my family pretty much scattered right now, I can't even get a hug.
I'll avoid being too much of a downer and tell you about my last one. Just Google up "orc dildo" and you'll find it. The seller is on Etsy and for $5 off, you can pick up a "failed" unit from them, which usually isn't "broken" so much as a color fade failed. Even though it's still $70, I liked the look of it, and fell in love with one in hard in particular with an uneven pink-green fade, because it's a really nice combo even when "bad" that has a purple intermediate. I wanted one in hard because the soft being comparable to "a slightly stale gummy bear" does not sound like something I want going really ANYWHERE in my body and from pics I've seen of people squishing it, there's no way in Hell I wouldn't wreck the thing trying to get it in, inexperienced as I am. Hard is "like a hard cock, but slightly bendy" or something like that. Probably not something comfy to keep in at all times, but I won't be ripping it in half fighting with it, either.
As silly as it sounds, this doesn't change who I fall in love with. Guys are the ones I ogle and I'll admit in that regard I'm flat out a sub. I have no interest in putting my meat in another guy, but am not adverse to having some come my way. But in that regard, any relationship I'd have with a guy would be at most friends with benefits, because it's a different kind of love. More like "I'd share anything with someone I care about that much, including myself." And I just don't have that IRL. IRL, I just don't see guys that way, or maybe it's human guys that way, to get that close.
Girls are the ones I end up falling in love with and I still see myself settling down with one, once I stop getting ball-stomped every time I try to have a relationship with one (seriously, first try in high school was "let's remain friends" and the second one I asked out more recently outright stopped serving me at the restaurant she works at after us talking for a year, just because I asked). I don't fall in love with just anyone, either. I'm in for "Mrs. Right," not "Mrs. Right Now," and unfortunately, I'm not in a position to be meeting anyone outside of a small group of women, frankly, at the restaurants I frequent on my lunch breaks. Time is still something I just don't have. At this point I'm just biding my time until I can transfer to a location closer to home within the next year in hopes I can hold out until normal life becomes possible again.
Anyway, until then I just have to hope and wait. I can't say the "guys" I have now are really liberating, but they feel good, which is all I can ask for.
