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The Breakdown
14 years ago
General
I have not been feeling good. Life is changing too quickly and in too many ways and I don't think I can manage. I just feel like shit all the time.
1. College approaches at the speed of a snail. But it's a fucking huge snail and its momentum will crush me. I don't think I'm ready. I have no idea how my meal plans work. I don't know if I'll have enough money for everything. I don't know if I'll get the job I applied for, and what happens to my grant if I don't. I don't know if I'll have time to do anything, and I don't know if I'm skimping out on classes or overloading myself. People say that college is the best thing that happened to them, a chance to reboot their lives, et cetera, and I really hope that's true. I need an escape plan. But I hope it doesn't bring too much of its own baggage to me.
2. My parents are getting a divorce. Before, I prayed for this day. In fact, I was kind of happy when I found out. But the longer I think on it, the worse it gets in my mind. I used to take so much pride in having a "successful family" who could make everything work, and now I don't have that and it's strange. I feel like we failed. I don't think it's necessarily my fault, but I still feel like a failure. The worst part of this is that everything in the house is going by as though a divorce isn't even happening. It makes me think that everything will be just fine if my parents stay together, even though I know that that's not true. And now I don't know how college breaks will work. Who will I stay with? How are holidays happening? I hope I never ever have a divorce.
3. I don't know where my sexuality will take me. I'm really concerned that, even though I know I am homosexual and I firmly believe in pansexuality, I feel that I'm taking the wrong steps and will end up in a situation God would not be proud of, or maybe I'll even end up in hell. Or maybe I'll decide that it's fine, but never go through with it, feel too shy to ever make a relationship happen, and end up alone. Or maybe I'll embarrass myself with straight guys and women who won't take gay guys seriously.
I over-think a lot of things. It's just that things are changing too quickly and I hate it.
--
Today proved to be a good escape from stress.
I woke up to a text message from TJ, which was awesome because he never texts me first unless it's "do you work today?" or other business-related things. It just said "hey bro". That never happens. Anyways I don't have to work today which also boosted my mood, so I spent some time over at TJ's house. We just played cards and watched some of "The Iron Giant" and I got to just talk to him and relate about the divorce and college and stuff. I'm so glad that I have him as a friend. <3
1. College approaches at the speed of a snail. But it's a fucking huge snail and its momentum will crush me. I don't think I'm ready. I have no idea how my meal plans work. I don't know if I'll have enough money for everything. I don't know if I'll get the job I applied for, and what happens to my grant if I don't. I don't know if I'll have time to do anything, and I don't know if I'm skimping out on classes or overloading myself. People say that college is the best thing that happened to them, a chance to reboot their lives, et cetera, and I really hope that's true. I need an escape plan. But I hope it doesn't bring too much of its own baggage to me.
2. My parents are getting a divorce. Before, I prayed for this day. In fact, I was kind of happy when I found out. But the longer I think on it, the worse it gets in my mind. I used to take so much pride in having a "successful family" who could make everything work, and now I don't have that and it's strange. I feel like we failed. I don't think it's necessarily my fault, but I still feel like a failure. The worst part of this is that everything in the house is going by as though a divorce isn't even happening. It makes me think that everything will be just fine if my parents stay together, even though I know that that's not true. And now I don't know how college breaks will work. Who will I stay with? How are holidays happening? I hope I never ever have a divorce.
3. I don't know where my sexuality will take me. I'm really concerned that, even though I know I am homosexual and I firmly believe in pansexuality, I feel that I'm taking the wrong steps and will end up in a situation God would not be proud of, or maybe I'll even end up in hell. Or maybe I'll decide that it's fine, but never go through with it, feel too shy to ever make a relationship happen, and end up alone. Or maybe I'll embarrass myself with straight guys and women who won't take gay guys seriously.
I over-think a lot of things. It's just that things are changing too quickly and I hate it.
--
Today proved to be a good escape from stress.
I woke up to a text message from TJ, which was awesome because he never texts me first unless it's "do you work today?" or other business-related things. It just said "hey bro". That never happens. Anyways I don't have to work today which also boosted my mood, so I spent some time over at TJ's house. We just played cards and watched some of "The Iron Giant" and I got to just talk to him and relate about the divorce and college and stuff. I'm so glad that I have him as a friend. <3
So far as the divorce goes, and the idea of a successful family, I think there's such a thing as a successful divorce. And families are designed to go through crap and remain as family-like as ever. You can despise your family and they'll still be your family. Which can be nice, (though I can't guarantee this is always the right word).
Well, if my parents had not divorced when I was five, and each remarried, my childhood would have probably been very different. And I would be a different person altogether.
So my comforting advice, apart from to try to open your mind and accept your circumstances, & try to be aware of the good intentions you're surrounded by, is that the bad feelings associated with changing realities are inescapable, and have to be experienced/confronted. At least once. You can understand them, but you can't understand them away. But that feeling substance is the stuff that fuels novels and makes lives interesting anyways . . . you wouldn't want a life without it either.
Feel free to send me a long email like the ones I send you from time to time whenever, if you'd like. Here or on facebook. - DM
And thanks for the invitation to email you. (: I think I got everything out that I wanted to say, though. But I'll keep that offer up for later times. You're a good guy.
And why do you take the gay seriously? :P What humans do together is irrelevant. No one cares at the end, whatever you do. People forget.
However, "what humans do together" is relevant because, although people forget, God doesn't. That's the most confusing and frustrating part.
And really what you're saying makes perfect sense. I don't have a rebuttal.