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XIII.2 - God, Drugs & Sex
9 years ago
If you remember anything about me from my past journals, one important piece of my identity was my connection to God through Christianity. This continued to be true but waned until I put it to rest sometime between my sophomore and junior years of college.
Let me elaborate on this a bit. As someone who is into philosophical thought, the basis of "faith" and feeling, although very strong, aren't enough for me to buy into it, especially if the going gets rough. For a long time, I battled through different ideas of the role of a queer man in the Church, whether that meant repentance or embrace or some other third thing. I spent a lot of time in high school and college trying to figure it out for myself. The thing is, it got draining and tiring, and my academics and health suffered because of it. There was a point where I had to say, "I need to put this down and not come back until I'm in a better position to do so." This time hasn't come just yet. So currently I guess I would say I'm agnostic. I can elaborate on this more if you want but I have to work eventually tonight and can't be writing this journal all day, haha.
While reading through all my old journals here, I noticed a conversation I had with JumpOffAWall that I think truly sparked my serious inquiry about religion and self. So, I just want to give a quick thanks again to the furry community for helping me evolve as a human being. ( The journal is here if anyone is wondering: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2608998/ )
Moving on. College life as also forced me to ask some moral questions concerning drugs that I didn't think I'd ever challenge. As a naive high school Christian and "good student," I held the belief handed to me that drugs are bad and although they may be fun they're destructive in the end. Also, I grew up with parents who at the time had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol which had me vow to never drink (or, less strongly, get drunk). But at university, specifically with the performance troupe that became my closest friends and allies, I was put in situations previously unimaginable; sitting in at parties and observing drunk life, and more importantly candid conversations with people on their drinking habits and their own beliefs on the subject. It took a while, but I eventually became comfortable with drinking and being drunk. (The first time I ever became intoxicated was just three months before my 21st birthday.) Still to this day I don't go out terribly often, but when I do I have truly opposite judgements of drinking as I did just four years ago.
Marijuana is a similar story. As I began to seriously entertain arguments for and against its use, the fear of it that I was taught to believe began to wane. But it wasn't until my junior year when I decided to live in a house with five other (straight) men, all of whom smoked pot regularly (two of them daily), did I decide to try the drug several times. For me, I don't really like it. I don't like the sensation of smoking it and the buzz isn't good enough to continue its use. I don't smoke it anymore and don't intend to pick it up any time soon, but again the change between four years ago and now is pretty substantial.
And finally, sex. Ah, sex. First off, I will clarify my current understanding of my own sexual identity since it has changed quite a bit since before. I use the umbrella term "queer" to describe myself because I find that other terms carry significant assumptions that aren't true for me. Let me explain. When one speaks of sexual identity a lot is implied, but let me stress on three points: sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and sexual preference. Sexual orientation, strictly speaking, describes who an individual is DRAWN to, who they DESIRE or have a BIOLOGICAL DISPOSITION toward. For me, as you may already know, this is largely, almost entirely towards men. Men are hot and sexy; I fantasize about men. Rarely women, so much so that it's nearly negligible; thus I consider myself gay or "mostly gay". But while for many people that also implies a romantic drive towards the same sex, for me (and many others) this isn't necessarily true. In my experience, I've had just as many romantic "crushes" with women as I have with men. I can see myself emotionally loving anyone regardless of their sex or gender. In other words, my ROMANTIC orientation is more pansexual. Sexual preference, unlike orientation, implies a choice. Many people choose to have sex with whom they are attracted because they enjoy it with them (and only them). I'm not exactly sure about my preference. I can imagine myself enjoying sex and being fulfilled by sex with a woman as much as with a man, but I don't have any experience to back that up. I feel strongly enough about it, however, that using the term "gay" to describe me feels more like a hindrance. But "bisexual" implies an attraction to women that I don't really have. Here lies the dilemma. For simplicity's sake, I go by the label "queer".
I had my first sexual encounter just before I turned twenty-one. It was via the dating/hook-up website Adam4Adam, and it sparked an era of promiscuity that went on and off for about a year or so. Now I find that it was a bit unhealthy in my case as I think I used it to cope with depression and anxiety, but I definitely don't regret liberating myself into the sexual world, especially considering that just a few years prior I would have preferred to castrate myself. I had two boyfriends, one in the fall of 2014 and one in the summer and fall of 2015, the latter of which I would consider my first "love". Maybe I'll expand on these another time as I'm growing tired of typing and I'm sure you're growing tired of reading. Currently I'm on a hiatus from sex and romance in an attempt to "get my shit together" which I'm mostly fine with. Although I was the one who broke up with my last love, I do miss him (or perhaps more truthfully his attention).
Yes, I think I'll leave this here. I have two more of these updates to give before I feel satisfied, haha. Again I'm not expecting any feedback as this is more of an exercise in expressing and recording my evolution as a person, but if you want to chat about anything I would love to entertain you.
Be on the lookout in the near future for XIII.3 - Personal Health.
Let me elaborate on this a bit. As someone who is into philosophical thought, the basis of "faith" and feeling, although very strong, aren't enough for me to buy into it, especially if the going gets rough. For a long time, I battled through different ideas of the role of a queer man in the Church, whether that meant repentance or embrace or some other third thing. I spent a lot of time in high school and college trying to figure it out for myself. The thing is, it got draining and tiring, and my academics and health suffered because of it. There was a point where I had to say, "I need to put this down and not come back until I'm in a better position to do so." This time hasn't come just yet. So currently I guess I would say I'm agnostic. I can elaborate on this more if you want but I have to work eventually tonight and can't be writing this journal all day, haha.
While reading through all my old journals here, I noticed a conversation I had with JumpOffAWall that I think truly sparked my serious inquiry about religion and self. So, I just want to give a quick thanks again to the furry community for helping me evolve as a human being. ( The journal is here if anyone is wondering: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2608998/ )
Moving on. College life as also forced me to ask some moral questions concerning drugs that I didn't think I'd ever challenge. As a naive high school Christian and "good student," I held the belief handed to me that drugs are bad and although they may be fun they're destructive in the end. Also, I grew up with parents who at the time had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol which had me vow to never drink (or, less strongly, get drunk). But at university, specifically with the performance troupe that became my closest friends and allies, I was put in situations previously unimaginable; sitting in at parties and observing drunk life, and more importantly candid conversations with people on their drinking habits and their own beliefs on the subject. It took a while, but I eventually became comfortable with drinking and being drunk. (The first time I ever became intoxicated was just three months before my 21st birthday.) Still to this day I don't go out terribly often, but when I do I have truly opposite judgements of drinking as I did just four years ago.
Marijuana is a similar story. As I began to seriously entertain arguments for and against its use, the fear of it that I was taught to believe began to wane. But it wasn't until my junior year when I decided to live in a house with five other (straight) men, all of whom smoked pot regularly (two of them daily), did I decide to try the drug several times. For me, I don't really like it. I don't like the sensation of smoking it and the buzz isn't good enough to continue its use. I don't smoke it anymore and don't intend to pick it up any time soon, but again the change between four years ago and now is pretty substantial.
And finally, sex. Ah, sex. First off, I will clarify my current understanding of my own sexual identity since it has changed quite a bit since before. I use the umbrella term "queer" to describe myself because I find that other terms carry significant assumptions that aren't true for me. Let me explain. When one speaks of sexual identity a lot is implied, but let me stress on three points: sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and sexual preference. Sexual orientation, strictly speaking, describes who an individual is DRAWN to, who they DESIRE or have a BIOLOGICAL DISPOSITION toward. For me, as you may already know, this is largely, almost entirely towards men. Men are hot and sexy; I fantasize about men. Rarely women, so much so that it's nearly negligible; thus I consider myself gay or "mostly gay". But while for many people that also implies a romantic drive towards the same sex, for me (and many others) this isn't necessarily true. In my experience, I've had just as many romantic "crushes" with women as I have with men. I can see myself emotionally loving anyone regardless of their sex or gender. In other words, my ROMANTIC orientation is more pansexual. Sexual preference, unlike orientation, implies a choice. Many people choose to have sex with whom they are attracted because they enjoy it with them (and only them). I'm not exactly sure about my preference. I can imagine myself enjoying sex and being fulfilled by sex with a woman as much as with a man, but I don't have any experience to back that up. I feel strongly enough about it, however, that using the term "gay" to describe me feels more like a hindrance. But "bisexual" implies an attraction to women that I don't really have. Here lies the dilemma. For simplicity's sake, I go by the label "queer".
I had my first sexual encounter just before I turned twenty-one. It was via the dating/hook-up website Adam4Adam, and it sparked an era of promiscuity that went on and off for about a year or so. Now I find that it was a bit unhealthy in my case as I think I used it to cope with depression and anxiety, but I definitely don't regret liberating myself into the sexual world, especially considering that just a few years prior I would have preferred to castrate myself. I had two boyfriends, one in the fall of 2014 and one in the summer and fall of 2015, the latter of which I would consider my first "love". Maybe I'll expand on these another time as I'm growing tired of typing and I'm sure you're growing tired of reading. Currently I'm on a hiatus from sex and romance in an attempt to "get my shit together" which I'm mostly fine with. Although I was the one who broke up with my last love, I do miss him (or perhaps more truthfully his attention).
Yes, I think I'll leave this here. I have two more of these updates to give before I feel satisfied, haha. Again I'm not expecting any feedback as this is more of an exercise in expressing and recording my evolution as a person, but if you want to chat about anything I would love to entertain you.
Be on the lookout in the near future for XIII.3 - Personal Health.
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