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XIII.3 - Personal Health
9 years ago
This is part three of four journals where I've been sharing the important identity-changing moments in my life during the past four years that I've been gone from Fur Affinity and in college. Each journal stands alone, but if you missed them and want to catch up, start with "An Update, XIII" which is currently featured on my page. (:
I've alluded to you in the past that my health has been increasingly been getting influencing the direction of my life, so this journal is dedicated to explaining that more thoroughly. I think it'll be shorter than last time.
Before college, my health was generally spectacular in nearly every sense. I think the stresses and demands of college work, music, and religion slowly brought me down, though, to a state of depressive and apprehensive symptoms. From there it snowballed; a developed apathy led to under-performance, which lead to anxiety and self-depreciation, which led to... you get the idea. I also developed a unhealthy relationship with sleep (i.e. sleeping way too much). I am not sure at which point this began (because it blended so well with my already poor school habits), but I didn't actually notice and name the problems until my fourth year in college after discovering I even held apathy and poor work ethic while working for the Wisconsin Singers, a performance troupe that was almost literally the focus of my education, enjoyment, and identity at UW-Madison. Also around that time were my first anxiety attacks. Around November I was diagnosed with depressive symptoms and anxiety and from there I started figuring out a prescription regimen, a process that took several months. That year in school was a dramatic decrease in my academia; I got my first D that semester and it only got worse from there.
I also briefly mentioned last week an unhealthy relationship with sex which started the summer before my fourth year in school. Perhaps now it is more clear to you why. I was dwelling in my own self-depreciation and I guess was looking for validation, even if for an hour at a time from sexy strangers. Even while dating my first boyfriend, I occasionally looked and had hookups. It's what kept me going. I don't want to validate or excuse cheating, but that's what it was. The following semester, after failing to find UW mental health services that worked for me, I joined a LGBT support group held by the mental health clinic which ended up being great. I don't have much more to say on that, just wanted to say it and recommend it to anyone who is interested.
Due to surmounting stresses, poor sleep, and bad sex habits, I became very physically sick around March or April. It was a combination of mono and strep which lasted around a month. School suffered tremendously and I ended up failing two classes, therefore no longer eligible to graduate college on time.
A month later, on May 18th, I discovered that that was just a symptom of an even bigger problem: I had contracted HIV-1 some time in March. I realized then how little I knew about the reality of the disease and from then on I grew to become an advocate for awareness, but at the time I was crushed and defeating myself. I stayed rather strong, though, as I continued to pursue medical treatment for both HIV and depression (with the help of a wonderful case worker), and rather quickly (in the course of a few months) came out publicly as HIV+.
Lastly, while with my last boyfriend this past fall, he pointed out that I might have sleep apnea as I was gasping in my sleep. After some tests it turns out I do, and have been treated on a machine since late December. The apnea, I think, contributed largely to my depression as I'm feeling worlds better than before, but I know I have a long ways to go in order to keep myself healthy. Advocating gives me strength, I think, and having a case worker helps tremendously.
Also, I tested HIV-Undetectable in January, which is really fucking awesome.
Stay tuned for the final installment of the epic of Daniel, titled XIII.4 - Music, Work, and Passion.
Like I said, I find advocating for HIV awareness extremely important. If you have any questions about it or would like to learn more, shoot me any questions you have via private message or in the comments. I love you all!
I've alluded to you in the past that my health has been increasingly been getting influencing the direction of my life, so this journal is dedicated to explaining that more thoroughly. I think it'll be shorter than last time.
Before college, my health was generally spectacular in nearly every sense. I think the stresses and demands of college work, music, and religion slowly brought me down, though, to a state of depressive and apprehensive symptoms. From there it snowballed; a developed apathy led to under-performance, which lead to anxiety and self-depreciation, which led to... you get the idea. I also developed a unhealthy relationship with sleep (i.e. sleeping way too much). I am not sure at which point this began (because it blended so well with my already poor school habits), but I didn't actually notice and name the problems until my fourth year in college after discovering I even held apathy and poor work ethic while working for the Wisconsin Singers, a performance troupe that was almost literally the focus of my education, enjoyment, and identity at UW-Madison. Also around that time were my first anxiety attacks. Around November I was diagnosed with depressive symptoms and anxiety and from there I started figuring out a prescription regimen, a process that took several months. That year in school was a dramatic decrease in my academia; I got my first D that semester and it only got worse from there.
I also briefly mentioned last week an unhealthy relationship with sex which started the summer before my fourth year in school. Perhaps now it is more clear to you why. I was dwelling in my own self-depreciation and I guess was looking for validation, even if for an hour at a time from sexy strangers. Even while dating my first boyfriend, I occasionally looked and had hookups. It's what kept me going. I don't want to validate or excuse cheating, but that's what it was. The following semester, after failing to find UW mental health services that worked for me, I joined a LGBT support group held by the mental health clinic which ended up being great. I don't have much more to say on that, just wanted to say it and recommend it to anyone who is interested.
Due to surmounting stresses, poor sleep, and bad sex habits, I became very physically sick around March or April. It was a combination of mono and strep which lasted around a month. School suffered tremendously and I ended up failing two classes, therefore no longer eligible to graduate college on time.
A month later, on May 18th, I discovered that that was just a symptom of an even bigger problem: I had contracted HIV-1 some time in March. I realized then how little I knew about the reality of the disease and from then on I grew to become an advocate for awareness, but at the time I was crushed and defeating myself. I stayed rather strong, though, as I continued to pursue medical treatment for both HIV and depression (with the help of a wonderful case worker), and rather quickly (in the course of a few months) came out publicly as HIV+.
Lastly, while with my last boyfriend this past fall, he pointed out that I might have sleep apnea as I was gasping in my sleep. After some tests it turns out I do, and have been treated on a machine since late December. The apnea, I think, contributed largely to my depression as I'm feeling worlds better than before, but I know I have a long ways to go in order to keep myself healthy. Advocating gives me strength, I think, and having a case worker helps tremendously.
Also, I tested HIV-Undetectable in January, which is really fucking awesome.
Stay tuned for the final installment of the epic of Daniel, titled XIII.4 - Music, Work, and Passion.
Like I said, I find advocating for HIV awareness extremely important. If you have any questions about it or would like to learn more, shoot me any questions you have via private message or in the comments. I love you all!
Sleeping too much? Sounds close to home. Some days, I can't make myself get out of bed. Voice of science tells me that I might be developing some kind of depression and that I should seek some treatment. But the voice of common sense tells me that I need to spend a year in a military camp or some place where I'll have zero privacy and zero free time, where I'll either burn out and die, or be revived as a stronger person. Looks like the 21st century is killing us from the inside... Haha, when we're on the subject, if I ever decide to remove myself from this world, I'd go to a mountain and meet the wolves and bears. There's no better death than being eaten by a fellow mammal.
When you say, "Total celibacy seems like the right choice," are you still paraphrasing the pastor or are you agreeing with his sentiment? I didn't believe you were religious but perhaps I'm mistaken. If not, I can still see how the logic works and how celibacy seems like the best option. However, I think the problem here is not sexual promiscuity or masturbation itself but its frequency, the priority it holds in one's life, and the knowledge of risk. Do you agree or no?
If you snore or gasp in your sleep, have a large tongue and tonsils, are overweight, and/or never feel well-rested, you should consider having a sleep study done to test for sleep apnea. I'm very thin so I never would have thought that I would have sleep apnea, and before my ex-boyfriend explained to me more about it, I didn't realize that it made my sleep essentially useless. My sleep is worlds better since being treated, and it makes my depression/anxiety a lot more bearable.
I think the hardest part for me to realize is that depression is real and is difficult and not something one can simply will themselves out of. I'm not sure if I would recommend medicine as treatment, but I would recommend seeing a behavioral specialist to help set up healthy habits, and perhaps a nutritionist if you feel you aren't eating well.
Your last thought on how to end your life is...interesting. I wildly disagree on the idea that being eaten alive is the best way to die, hahaha, but to each their own I guess. (;
Haven't really thought about doing a sleep study. Perhaps I could record myself while asleep, or use one of those sleep tracking apps. My BMI is around 27.
You gotta agree that it's the most organic way to go. Meep! ;3