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I'm sorry I haven't been around... BUT...
14 years ago
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Don't wait for the queue to shrink—the commission docket is rarely empty.Well, turns out the shrink we scheduled the appointment for wasn't covered by our insurance. So we have an appointment with a SURE TO BE COVERED, *SURE* to be able to dispense meds psychiatrist on the 12th. I have to somehow be awake at 10:30 AM... yes, I'm up at 11:00 AM now, but I mean, like, not "already ready for bed" up. but I have time.
I've had two visits with Dr. Simcik, my "grown-up guidance counselor" now. He's been REALLY helpful, you have no idea.
Last session we spoke about my fear of driving. I realized that all of the danger in my driving really comes from my own anxiety -- I know that my fear that something bad will happen is what will cause me to react poorly and cause me to be put in danger, so I have to handle my own anxiety to avoid that happening. I admit that I don't trust a bunch of random strangers on the road, but 9 times out of 10, defensive driving will take care of that; my real fear is that my own anxiety will cause me to cause an accident because I will freeze up or panic and cause an accident on my own.
So the whole "comfort driving"/"positive self-talk" thing may seem silly, but if that's what it takes for me to go out and drive and be a normal person, eff it! Sounds good to me. It's helped a lot already. Honestly, I'd have gone out and gotten "a real job" aside from art if driving didn't scare the piss out of me. So I'm hoping that by working with Dr. Simcik that'll become a possibility in the near future.
We talked about the steps in dealing with anxiety... first, recognizing what is bothering you, second, giving yourself permission to feel anxious, third, breathing, etc. etc. It all sounds kind of silly, but in the grand scheme of things, it makes sense. I told him, "my first reaction is to either try to control the situation by learning where I'm supposed to go or planning out a route - or to just bail by deciding not to go," and he immediately responded, "fight or flight" and that's when it clicked. That's how I've always dealt with it, and I really understand how I can get a grip on it now. I hope you guys learn something from that, if something really small.
I also told him how I'll, say, make plans to go to a movie on the weekend and then when the weekend comes I don't feel like it, and if I go I'll feel miserable and resentful and an hour and a half feels like an eternity. And I feel guilty for it... and I don't want to be the girl who complains the whole time and is negative so I'll back out because the inevitability to me is that I'll complain and make everyone else miserable. And that I hate that potentiality so I cancel. And he asked me about how it'd feel to just try to be compassionate for my peers who are there, to just be there for them instead of worrying about myself, and I realized, I need to have compassion for the people I love. It was really a moment of enlightenment. Even though this issue stems from my ADD, it's a thing I think I might handle on my own, Which was good.
I admit, when I first went to him I was thinking, "this guy is just another 60 year old traditional man who won't understand me" but he's really won me over. He's really smart, really kind, compassionate, and he makes me feel comfortable. I walk out of our sessions feeling really in control of myself, and it's really helped me tons. I'm not making drastic strides forward in my art career right away, but I think it's baby steps. I feel like before these sessions I was totally sequestered in my own world and was faking a grip on everything, but having started them I've pushed that aside and have had to start from square one...so I'm currently in a quiet place, but I'll emerge from it faster and stronger.
In our last session he helped explain to me the differences between sympathy, empathy, and a THIRD status I hadn't considered, compassion:
1. Sympathy = I feel sorry for you
2. Empathy = I know exactly how you feel
3. Compassion = I care for you in your time of need, and am here for you wherever you are.
In other words, compassion is like a perfect in-between of empathy and sympathy.
I got around to talking about Mom, finally. I explained how I've loved her my whole life in spite of the many disappointments she granted me, because who the hell cares; yes, I remember waiting by the window with my packed suitcase, anxious for a weekend visit, waiting from sunrise to sunset only to be told she wasn't coming. Once she felt so badly she pretended to be my grandmother on the phone to my father to fake being sick because she didn't have the means to come pick me up. Other times, I recall she'd wrecked her car or was in jail. I got used to expecting that some disaster would occur before she could come and pick me up.
It's weird how children can both totally be aware that the worst is going to happen and yet, at the same time, feel like the best outcome will occur. I recall being shocked while at the same time being totally unsurprised. Maybe that's something only children can comprehend. I can't understand it myself, now; it's hard to articulate. Then again, as a kid I was tricked into giving up my favorite alexandrite ring for a bottle of sand that was supposed to summon a unicorn at night. I knew it would never happen, and yet every morning I expected to wake up to a unicorn at my window.
Kids are weird. (At least the brat who made the trade was forced to give me my ring back. LOL.)
Of course I remember, but no, I've never been mad. Maybe it's because my father and stepmother told me "she loves you, she's just got a lot of problems". Maybe I owe it to them that I didn't develop a complex because of my mom. I'm grateful I didn't, I really am.
She made shit tons of mistakes, but she still had me, and she still cared for me and made sure I was fed and clothed, gave me to my Dad to raise me, made the right decision in spite of her drug use and wild years. I explained that I will love her til the day I die because she did the best she could. I take after my father in my looks, my laugh, my personality, but I think deep, deep down, I have my mother's soul, so I understand her in ways I've never been able to explain to her.
No matter how many times I've sat on the phone and listened to her cry and tell me that she feels so guilty for being a bad mother, no matter how many times I have to tell her "you made the right decisions given your situation", no matter how many times I say I love her, I told Dr. Simcik I'm aware that all I can do is say "I'm here for you and I love you".
I told him what I haven't even been able to tell her: she goes back to the drugs and the people who do the drugs because she needs acceptance. She is a person who has only ever done drugs because of the people connected to them. She needs to be loved. But her firstborn daughter can't give that to her, because she's never been near enough to her to provide the kind of constant affirmation that she needs to be whole.
Dr. Simcik said I was incredibly perceptive. It just kind of felt like a kick in the face -- not a purposeful one, mind, just, disappointing. Like, why, if I'm so observant, am I so messed up? Why can't I help her?
He helped me understand that, as regards my mother, I am neither empathetic nor sympathetic, really, but rather am compassionate; I care for her and love her no matter her troubles, but I keep a constant balance between caring too much, which can lead to anger and resentment (because you become so invested in the other person that it leads to disappointment and frustration and you wind up having a love/hate relationship), or becoming so detached that you wind up becoming apathetic. I mean, he showed me a chart. And as silly as it sounds, the chart made sense: there's a bar in the middle, and on the left side is caring, and on the right side is detachment, and the farther you go on either side, things are bad. You have to keep a balance between care and detachment. It's like this:
[Anger (Love/Hate) -> Care | Detachment <- Apathy]
Honestly, for $25 a session I'm calling this a steal. He's taught me a lot.
I realize this is all pretty heavy. I don't mean for it to be. I don't view it that way. I just talk about my life because, you know, it's my life. It's just the way it is. I look on it with fondness because it's where I come from. I suppose I'd be more bitter if I had anything to be bitter about, but I don't. I just see it as, I don't know, the Legos that make me the person I am. I appreciate it for what it is.
So that's that.
We're also working on my fear of driving and leaving the house. I guess I have a lot to work on! At any rate, I'll have ADD meds probably no later than the 12th or the week of... 'til then, yes, I have serious art block, and I'll try to send out another mass email soon, but I love you guys and you have been SO supportive. I've told my counselor how great it's been to not have to go through this without the support net that my friends and FA family provide.
x.o.
hd
I've had two visits with Dr. Simcik, my "grown-up guidance counselor" now. He's been REALLY helpful, you have no idea.
Last session we spoke about my fear of driving. I realized that all of the danger in my driving really comes from my own anxiety -- I know that my fear that something bad will happen is what will cause me to react poorly and cause me to be put in danger, so I have to handle my own anxiety to avoid that happening. I admit that I don't trust a bunch of random strangers on the road, but 9 times out of 10, defensive driving will take care of that; my real fear is that my own anxiety will cause me to cause an accident because I will freeze up or panic and cause an accident on my own.
So the whole "comfort driving"/"positive self-talk" thing may seem silly, but if that's what it takes for me to go out and drive and be a normal person, eff it! Sounds good to me. It's helped a lot already. Honestly, I'd have gone out and gotten "a real job" aside from art if driving didn't scare the piss out of me. So I'm hoping that by working with Dr. Simcik that'll become a possibility in the near future.
We talked about the steps in dealing with anxiety... first, recognizing what is bothering you, second, giving yourself permission to feel anxious, third, breathing, etc. etc. It all sounds kind of silly, but in the grand scheme of things, it makes sense. I told him, "my first reaction is to either try to control the situation by learning where I'm supposed to go or planning out a route - or to just bail by deciding not to go," and he immediately responded, "fight or flight" and that's when it clicked. That's how I've always dealt with it, and I really understand how I can get a grip on it now. I hope you guys learn something from that, if something really small.
I also told him how I'll, say, make plans to go to a movie on the weekend and then when the weekend comes I don't feel like it, and if I go I'll feel miserable and resentful and an hour and a half feels like an eternity. And I feel guilty for it... and I don't want to be the girl who complains the whole time and is negative so I'll back out because the inevitability to me is that I'll complain and make everyone else miserable. And that I hate that potentiality so I cancel. And he asked me about how it'd feel to just try to be compassionate for my peers who are there, to just be there for them instead of worrying about myself, and I realized, I need to have compassion for the people I love. It was really a moment of enlightenment. Even though this issue stems from my ADD, it's a thing I think I might handle on my own, Which was good.
I admit, when I first went to him I was thinking, "this guy is just another 60 year old traditional man who won't understand me" but he's really won me over. He's really smart, really kind, compassionate, and he makes me feel comfortable. I walk out of our sessions feeling really in control of myself, and it's really helped me tons. I'm not making drastic strides forward in my art career right away, but I think it's baby steps. I feel like before these sessions I was totally sequestered in my own world and was faking a grip on everything, but having started them I've pushed that aside and have had to start from square one...so I'm currently in a quiet place, but I'll emerge from it faster and stronger.
In our last session he helped explain to me the differences between sympathy, empathy, and a THIRD status I hadn't considered, compassion:
1. Sympathy = I feel sorry for you
2. Empathy = I know exactly how you feel
3. Compassion = I care for you in your time of need, and am here for you wherever you are.
In other words, compassion is like a perfect in-between of empathy and sympathy.
I got around to talking about Mom, finally. I explained how I've loved her my whole life in spite of the many disappointments she granted me, because who the hell cares; yes, I remember waiting by the window with my packed suitcase, anxious for a weekend visit, waiting from sunrise to sunset only to be told she wasn't coming. Once she felt so badly she pretended to be my grandmother on the phone to my father to fake being sick because she didn't have the means to come pick me up. Other times, I recall she'd wrecked her car or was in jail. I got used to expecting that some disaster would occur before she could come and pick me up.
It's weird how children can both totally be aware that the worst is going to happen and yet, at the same time, feel like the best outcome will occur. I recall being shocked while at the same time being totally unsurprised. Maybe that's something only children can comprehend. I can't understand it myself, now; it's hard to articulate. Then again, as a kid I was tricked into giving up my favorite alexandrite ring for a bottle of sand that was supposed to summon a unicorn at night. I knew it would never happen, and yet every morning I expected to wake up to a unicorn at my window.
Kids are weird. (At least the brat who made the trade was forced to give me my ring back. LOL.)
Of course I remember, but no, I've never been mad. Maybe it's because my father and stepmother told me "she loves you, she's just got a lot of problems". Maybe I owe it to them that I didn't develop a complex because of my mom. I'm grateful I didn't, I really am.
She made shit tons of mistakes, but she still had me, and she still cared for me and made sure I was fed and clothed, gave me to my Dad to raise me, made the right decision in spite of her drug use and wild years. I explained that I will love her til the day I die because she did the best she could. I take after my father in my looks, my laugh, my personality, but I think deep, deep down, I have my mother's soul, so I understand her in ways I've never been able to explain to her.
No matter how many times I've sat on the phone and listened to her cry and tell me that she feels so guilty for being a bad mother, no matter how many times I have to tell her "you made the right decisions given your situation", no matter how many times I say I love her, I told Dr. Simcik I'm aware that all I can do is say "I'm here for you and I love you".
I told him what I haven't even been able to tell her: she goes back to the drugs and the people who do the drugs because she needs acceptance. She is a person who has only ever done drugs because of the people connected to them. She needs to be loved. But her firstborn daughter can't give that to her, because she's never been near enough to her to provide the kind of constant affirmation that she needs to be whole.
Dr. Simcik said I was incredibly perceptive. It just kind of felt like a kick in the face -- not a purposeful one, mind, just, disappointing. Like, why, if I'm so observant, am I so messed up? Why can't I help her?
He helped me understand that, as regards my mother, I am neither empathetic nor sympathetic, really, but rather am compassionate; I care for her and love her no matter her troubles, but I keep a constant balance between caring too much, which can lead to anger and resentment (because you become so invested in the other person that it leads to disappointment and frustration and you wind up having a love/hate relationship), or becoming so detached that you wind up becoming apathetic. I mean, he showed me a chart. And as silly as it sounds, the chart made sense: there's a bar in the middle, and on the left side is caring, and on the right side is detachment, and the farther you go on either side, things are bad. You have to keep a balance between care and detachment. It's like this:
[Anger (Love/Hate) -> Care | Detachment <- Apathy]
Honestly, for $25 a session I'm calling this a steal. He's taught me a lot.
I realize this is all pretty heavy. I don't mean for it to be. I don't view it that way. I just talk about my life because, you know, it's my life. It's just the way it is. I look on it with fondness because it's where I come from. I suppose I'd be more bitter if I had anything to be bitter about, but I don't. I just see it as, I don't know, the Legos that make me the person I am. I appreciate it for what it is.
So that's that.
We're also working on my fear of driving and leaving the house. I guess I have a lot to work on! At any rate, I'll have ADD meds probably no later than the 12th or the week of... 'til then, yes, I have serious art block, and I'll try to send out another mass email soon, but I love you guys and you have been SO supportive. I've told my counselor how great it's been to not have to go through this without the support net that my friends and FA family provide.
x.o.
hd
</3
So glad to hear from you, though. You can talk at me anytime. :]
It's wonderful that you also have compassion for your mother. Mine has cleaned up her life and I'm living with her temporarily, but she also has a bit of guilt too. But she is also Christian and has been forgiven by Jesus, and that eases it a lot on top of my forgiveness as well. Good luck and also that is a steal. :)