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Yesterday, August the Eighth, at Exactly Ten Fifty-One,
14 years ago
General
Last night, I stopped my last journal with, "I would be typing more on that but I just got chin-deep in emotional drama shit. I'll be back I guess." Well, I'm back I guess so let me tell you all that happened there.
1. Okay, so there is a girl named Daisy, whom TJ and I met through our friend Dylan. The first time I met her was at church last Wednesday because Dylan brought her, and we all went to her house afterwords to have a campfire and watch movies and chat and etc. (Everyone that was there was Daisy, Dylan, his gf Amanda, TJ, Katrina (his sister), and me.) I didn't really know Daisy obviously and I wasn't in a great mood that night so I was pretty quiet and not very personable. TJ met her a week or two earlier at Dylan's grad party and later at the movies, so he doesn't know her terribly well either.
That may seem like a tangent but hang on. (: Anyways while TJ and I hung out Sunday Daisy sent him like fifteen texts that day (to which TJ replied around four) and he told me that had been happening for a while, so it's like blatantly obvious that Daisy likes him, right? But the thing is that TJ JUST broke up with his girlfriend (of two years) three or four weeks ago (did I mention that here?) and TJ isn't really interested in Daisy anyway. But anyway, last night Daisy was chatting with me on Facebook and she was unloading a bunch of stuff on me like we've known each other for years. Which is kind of cool, I guess, but it was weird. Anyway she confessed that she had a thing for TJ (Woah really?) so I was trying to help her understand that he wasn't interested in a relationship without blatantly saying "He doesn't like you." So it was stressful I guess. I think she could be a cool person to try and build a platonic relationship with.
2. Yesterday, August the Eighth, at Exactly Ten Fifty-One, I came out to another close friend, Rachael, whom I met at Senior High Convo. I get especially cautious with my religious friends because there is of course that stigma between homosexuality and Christianity and I guess I get kind of afraid that they'll say what TJ said about the matter (Though what he said wasn't terrible, it wasn't ideal.), but Rachael seemed to be on my side on the matter ("Gay's not a choice, God loves us the same, etc), and then surprisingly Rachael confided in me something huge in her life, so we shared that moment of confession. It ended up being so cool.
These past few days have been the best I think.
All of my journals nowadays are tl;dr. I've been looking at tumblr and livejournal to see if I would like either of those instead and I haven't decided yet. I think if I get into one of those enough I will never use FA again except to lurk (that happened to my dA account really, ha). But idk.
So I guess I'll stop talking.
1. Okay, so there is a girl named Daisy, whom TJ and I met through our friend Dylan. The first time I met her was at church last Wednesday because Dylan brought her, and we all went to her house afterwords to have a campfire and watch movies and chat and etc. (Everyone that was there was Daisy, Dylan, his gf Amanda, TJ, Katrina (his sister), and me.) I didn't really know Daisy obviously and I wasn't in a great mood that night so I was pretty quiet and not very personable. TJ met her a week or two earlier at Dylan's grad party and later at the movies, so he doesn't know her terribly well either.
That may seem like a tangent but hang on. (: Anyways while TJ and I hung out Sunday Daisy sent him like fifteen texts that day (to which TJ replied around four) and he told me that had been happening for a while, so it's like blatantly obvious that Daisy likes him, right? But the thing is that TJ JUST broke up with his girlfriend (of two years) three or four weeks ago (did I mention that here?) and TJ isn't really interested in Daisy anyway. But anyway, last night Daisy was chatting with me on Facebook and she was unloading a bunch of stuff on me like we've known each other for years. Which is kind of cool, I guess, but it was weird. Anyway she confessed that she had a thing for TJ (Woah really?) so I was trying to help her understand that he wasn't interested in a relationship without blatantly saying "He doesn't like you." So it was stressful I guess. I think she could be a cool person to try and build a platonic relationship with.
2. Yesterday, August the Eighth, at Exactly Ten Fifty-One, I came out to another close friend, Rachael, whom I met at Senior High Convo. I get especially cautious with my religious friends because there is of course that stigma between homosexuality and Christianity and I guess I get kind of afraid that they'll say what TJ said about the matter (Though what he said wasn't terrible, it wasn't ideal.), but Rachael seemed to be on my side on the matter ("Gay's not a choice, God loves us the same, etc), and then surprisingly Rachael confided in me something huge in her life, so we shared that moment of confession. It ended up being so cool.
These past few days have been the best I think.
All of my journals nowadays are tl;dr. I've been looking at tumblr and livejournal to see if I would like either of those instead and I haven't decided yet. I think if I get into one of those enough I will never use FA again except to lurk (that happened to my dA account really, ha). But idk.
So I guess I'll stop talking.
But, I honestly have to ask why you accept christianity and believe in God?
No one has ever asked me that question before, except for me. And it's something that I've thought about a lot and is a huge part of me, so I really appreciate that question.
The answer... I don't know. I honestly don't know. I mean I was raised "Christian" kind of, I mean my family kind of used to go to church but I never really felt God. When my grandmother died seven-ish years ago I began to really worry about what happens when we die so I tried to look into religions a bit more. I did a little study on Christianity but also a few others like Buddhism and Islam. I have just become drawn to Christianity because I am attracted to the idea that God is our Father and he loves us unconditionally. Sometimes (a lot, actually) I wonder if any of it is even real, but there just have been some moments were I've felt so close to God that He stopped being easy to just let go of, and some moments where I feel like I really need Him.
I guess that if I didn't have God, I would be much more lost than I already am. Maybe that's ignorant or greedy, but I guess that's what it boils down to.
Not wanting to be mean, but this is the reason I figured you would share.
I was raised christian as well, but I never believed any of the stuff I was "taught" in sunday school. Hearing stuff like a guy living in a whale for three days sounded silly to me when I was young as it reminded me of the story books I read in school.
So I never believed in any of it, but when I was eight, I learned that it was okay to not believe in it so that solidified it for me.
I was not open about my atheism until 13-14, though. A lot of people in school, some friends, stopped associating with me, but more people started warming up to me. ( I wasn't popular in school, but I wasn't at all unknown lol )
However, later on, around your age, I wanted to believe some invisible force existed, I guess because I was concerned about the death thing, too. So I tried Shamanism, buddishm, christianity again, and others. Even believed in Cthluhu for a while LOL
but after a short while, I just thought it all just far too unnecessary and trivial and dropped it all. ( also I learned how different one religion could be for multiple people [ like denominations of christianity ] and how religion is used to affect a large group of people as a whole and that didn't sit well with me )
But, I'm very comfortable with death, nowadays, and the thought of simply going back to dust actually fascinates me, too.
But, I don't know. I think that I just feel like that right now. There are so many people that are content with faith and God and I find that pretty convincing. I find that the existence of Christianity, through its early history, is pretty baffling and I don't think that it's just some fad or prank. There are some moments in my life and some characteristics of it that I feel ("know") must have happened through a Higher Power because otherwise it would be too unlikely. And I sort of feel that if God wasn't calling me, I would have left Him a long time ago.
But (unfortunately?) I am trying to be open-ended on this issue, and am trying to seriously confront atheism.
I'm not mad at you. I am actually very grateful that you brought this up because it is something I always want to avoid. And I can see that you care through your responses (which is something that kind of shocks me about atheism because it's so easy to correlate atheism with negativity).
I'm also pretty flattered that I'm "like one of my favorite people from LDW." Thank you. (: Before I just liked your humor and satiric glance at things, but I have grown to respect you a lot.
...Nah, nevermind. I don't know what else to say. I've never seen any reason to believe anything in any religion, because stuff like spirits, gods, super powers, etc. just contradict everything that countless people (scientists, skeptics, thinkers) have discovered or uncovered throughout the years, and they always have evidence to back it up, whereas the religious do not.
The root of my discomfort with religion really stems all the way down to growing up, I always made good grades in school, in the classes I applied myself in. My aunt loved that I was such a smart kid, and she loved that I enjoyed learning. Science, history, literature were y favorite.
And, so of course I get around to learning evolution, prehistory, origin of stars, theories of how everything began, DNA, genetics, and then in literature I learn how morality is subjective, how to properly argue and debate, rhetoirc, logic, reasoning, etc. and then in history I learned about peoples and civilizations that existed before Christianity, and I learned a lot about cultures that had A LOT of similarities to Christianity, yet oddly enough, predated Christianity i.e. pagan festival for Mithras happening around December 25th, the egyptian sun god Horus having many attributes that bear a striking resemblance to Jesus Christ, etc.
...and so I learn all this, (plus the fact I had very little faith in such things to begin with) and just come out to my aunt that I simply do not believe in God or the validity of the bible.
She hasn't spoken to me since. And, that was around the time I tried to back into religion of some sort( here is the death thing I mentioned earlier, because she was so adamant at saving my soul, etc that it did frighten me to an extent), because I wanted to try and reconnect with her, but I gave up. She wanted me to become a very intelligent person but she still wanted me to believe in what I consider a Santa Clause for adults. But, since I didn't, she pretty much just threw me away.
And, as a disclaimer I'm not pessimistic all the time because I'm atheist, and I'm not atheist because I'm pessimistic all the time.
PS, this is all convoluted, as I didn't want to share so much about myself, previously, but now I have anyway.
Also don't worry about sharing about yourself like you did. I love being able to talk with people! If you want to send a note whenever it's totally cool.