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...I don't know what to do anymore... (Nother downer vent.)
14 years ago
General
Hey everyone... I'm truly sorry I haven't been around or active lately... v.v I feel horrible I haven't been able to give you guys anything for so long. I just hope after this is all over I can find it in me to relax and write again...
First I want to say I'm sorry to the two people I owe requests. I have started working on them and I promise I will get them done. Again I'm sorry it's taking me so long.
Second... I'll get into the reasons I'm writing this journal... In a bit... First let me say I don't know what I'm looking for in reply. You can ignore this, post friendly, post angry, I probably deserve all of it since this seems to be just another poor me journal... I just didn't know where else to go. Anyway, I have sad news... We're going to have to put Lady down soon... like soon soon... within the week... I said I'd never give up on her and I won't and I don't want to do this but... she can barely get up on her own and she needs encouragement to do that... let alone she can barely walk and falls a lot... Despite her eating and drinking she's... lost a lot of weight. Poor girl is so thin...
As you can imagine I'm having a hard time with this... She still is and will forever be my sweet puppy, I can still see it in her eyes but... I just... can't put her through this pain anymore... she's limping, stumbling, wasting away... I feel terrible that I'm doing this to her. In a way I feel like I'm giving up just by admitting to myself we have to put her down, even though my family tells me I'm not… I will and would do anything for her no matter what but... I don't want to make her suffer......
My parents have said it's time for several months now... and I knew it was coming, and I know it's time too but... I just can't let her go... I can't make the call to stay home from work and take her to the vet... But I would never forgive myself if I didn't go with her... She means so much to me and I'm ashamed I only realized it fully in the last year... I just hope she knows I love her... and though I feel like I'm giving up I just can't make her suffer for me anymore...
*sighs and wipes away his tears* While that's the main part of my absence, sadness and frustration there's still more, though I admit I think this part is rather stupid too... Work sucks… I hate all but a select few of my co-workers, the job just sucks anymore, the company is stupid, the management is stupider… And I can’t seem to escape… I’ve had a few interviews but nothing has been better then what I have so I’m forced to stay at this place where after two years I’ve yet to have any mention of a raise. Let alone it feels like they string me along with false hope of minor promotions. Though I see now that is never likely to happen…
Maybe this is me just being stupid but… I looked up at the stars the other night and just got this feeling that there was something out there for me… not necessarily out among the stars… but something I wanted. But… I got frustrated a little because I just don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t know what to do to get to someplace better. I’m trying, but nothing seems to work… I know I have obligations, things to do and stuff to take care of and I can’t ignore them. Which is why I feel a little like my hands are tied. I have school loans that I need to keep paying and at my present job I’m not making any extra at all really… Add to that the fact that I feel lonely constantly, have trouble engaging anyone to talk, and I’m losing Lady, my best friend of 16 years… and I just don’t know what to do anymore…
Anyway… I hope life is treating you all well. I’m sorry to be a downer and I don’t know if you care but if you read this I thank you. Take care everyone and I’ll keep trying to get things done. It’s the least I can do for fans as nice as you guys usually are to me.
First I want to say I'm sorry to the two people I owe requests. I have started working on them and I promise I will get them done. Again I'm sorry it's taking me so long.
Second... I'll get into the reasons I'm writing this journal... In a bit... First let me say I don't know what I'm looking for in reply. You can ignore this, post friendly, post angry, I probably deserve all of it since this seems to be just another poor me journal... I just didn't know where else to go. Anyway, I have sad news... We're going to have to put Lady down soon... like soon soon... within the week... I said I'd never give up on her and I won't and I don't want to do this but... she can barely get up on her own and she needs encouragement to do that... let alone she can barely walk and falls a lot... Despite her eating and drinking she's... lost a lot of weight. Poor girl is so thin...
As you can imagine I'm having a hard time with this... She still is and will forever be my sweet puppy, I can still see it in her eyes but... I just... can't put her through this pain anymore... she's limping, stumbling, wasting away... I feel terrible that I'm doing this to her. In a way I feel like I'm giving up just by admitting to myself we have to put her down, even though my family tells me I'm not… I will and would do anything for her no matter what but... I don't want to make her suffer......
My parents have said it's time for several months now... and I knew it was coming, and I know it's time too but... I just can't let her go... I can't make the call to stay home from work and take her to the vet... But I would never forgive myself if I didn't go with her... She means so much to me and I'm ashamed I only realized it fully in the last year... I just hope she knows I love her... and though I feel like I'm giving up I just can't make her suffer for me anymore...
*sighs and wipes away his tears* While that's the main part of my absence, sadness and frustration there's still more, though I admit I think this part is rather stupid too... Work sucks… I hate all but a select few of my co-workers, the job just sucks anymore, the company is stupid, the management is stupider… And I can’t seem to escape… I’ve had a few interviews but nothing has been better then what I have so I’m forced to stay at this place where after two years I’ve yet to have any mention of a raise. Let alone it feels like they string me along with false hope of minor promotions. Though I see now that is never likely to happen…
Maybe this is me just being stupid but… I looked up at the stars the other night and just got this feeling that there was something out there for me… not necessarily out among the stars… but something I wanted. But… I got frustrated a little because I just don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t know what to do to get to someplace better. I’m trying, but nothing seems to work… I know I have obligations, things to do and stuff to take care of and I can’t ignore them. Which is why I feel a little like my hands are tied. I have school loans that I need to keep paying and at my present job I’m not making any extra at all really… Add to that the fact that I feel lonely constantly, have trouble engaging anyone to talk, and I’m losing Lady, my best friend of 16 years… and I just don’t know what to do anymore…
Anyway… I hope life is treating you all well. I’m sorry to be a downer and I don’t know if you care but if you read this I thank you. Take care everyone and I’ll keep trying to get things done. It’s the least I can do for fans as nice as you guys usually are to me.
I know it's the right thing to do... and two weeks ago was the first time I watched her and thought to myself, "I think it's time..." And it really upset me... I felt like I was just giving up on her... I still do even though I know I'm not... If that makes sense. But thank you very much for the support. I appreciate it. *Smiles softly.*
As for the job I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That sucks and I might not know exactly how that feels but I know kindof what that's like. My dad sometimes doesn't think I do anything either. But at least he's nice about it.
Anyway. Thanks again for the kind words.
And on that loan, are you doing that to build a good credit score?
And I kindof am but it's a school loan I have to pay back and I just don't make enough at the moment to afford much else after the payments. It also doesn't help I drive an hour to and another home from work every day. Just kindof a bad spot at the moment. ^^;
I wouldn't mind taking you up on that offer sometime. : ) Thank you Coldclaws. Take care of yourself as well.
The best I can say about work, is that you're not bound there forever. I've made the promise before, and I'll make it again. But I promise there's somewhere better. You just have found it, and it just hasn't found you yet. You've got a great deal of experience under your belt now. About two and a half years? Between that, and your own knowledge from Penn, I know there's a great research position out there for you.
Hope it's not too bold, but I love you to pieces. If you need anyone to talk to, or even just want someone for some silent company; please don't be afraid to contact me, Felix.
Thank you for your support hun... I'm so sorry to have snapped and posted this... I don't like putting my problems off on people but... I just needed to vent a bit.
I love you too. Don't worry it's ok. And I'll talk to you tonight. Thank you again... I really do appreciate it.
Thank you again Dragonfiend. I appreciate your thoughts.