1. How old will you be in five years? 5
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Patrick Stewart
3. How tall are you? 6"
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Climbing Mt. Everest
5. What's the last movie you saw? Men in Black III
6. Who was the last person you called? Jack Black
7. Who was the last person to call you? Jack Black (leave me ALONE dude)
8. What was the last text message you received? lol
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? Jack Black (I'm serious, dude)
10. Do you prefer to call or text? Snail mail.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night? Having mimosas with Harto.
12. Are your parents married/divorced? Married, but to different people.
13. What time did you wake up today? 6 AM
14. What color are your eyes? The color of money.
15. What are you wearing right now? Banana hammock.
16. What’s your least favorite part of sex? CPS
17. Do you like Christmas songs? That's creedist.
18. Do you have a favorite place or places? The old room in the college library that nobody ever goes to.
19. Do you have a least favorite place or places? Probably hell.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? The moon.
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? Dead from having way too much fun.
22. Do you tan or burn? Like a lit fuse.
23. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? With. You never know when the government is going to come and get you.
24. Would you ever wear a thong? I'm wearing your girlfriend's.
25. How big is your bed? Emperor sized.
26. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Fear was afraid I was gonna get IT.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? TI82
28. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? I laughed at poverty a while ago.
29. What color are your sheets? White with holes in them. WHAT?! Halloweens coming up! >:O
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? I sleep with people. Not pillows. Perv.
31. What is your favorite season? Probably oregano.
33. What do you like about winter? Snowmen.
34. What do you like about the summer? Dirtmen.
35. What is your favorite aspect of spring? Wait, where's the love for fall?
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in? I dunno. A hundred?
37. What cities/towns have you lived in? Just the ones that DON'T smell like pee.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Fuzzy slippers.
39. Are you a social person? People are social. A person who never socializes is mental.
40. What was the last thing you ate? Your boyfriend's dick.
41. What is your favorite restaurant? George St. Tavern
42. What is your favorite kind of ice cream? Cold
43. What is your favorite dessert? Tiramisu
44. What is your favorite kind of soup? No soup for you.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Petrolium
46. Do you like Chinese food? With extra MSG
47. Do you like coffee? Black plz.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? I don't drink water. Just champagne.
49. What do you drink in the morning? Mimosa
50. What church/temple/synagogue/other do you attend? The church of mind-your-own-business.
51. When was the last time you went to church/temple/synagogue/other? Every day.
52. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not really meant it? I get my assistant to pray for me.
53. Do you like to cuddle? Depends. Are we talking person-with-good-hygiene or rabid bear?
54. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? I sleep under it. You never know when those government people are coming for you.
55. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? Somebody gives me a car? What kind of question is that.
56. Have you ever gotten stage fright? No, but I give it to other people all the time.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? I caught one with a paper towel yesterday. I threw it away.
58. Do you know how to play poker? Depends. Are we playing for money? Yes? No, I've never played in my life.
59. Do you want kids? Yeah, but I don't want to RAISE 'em.
60. Do you speak any other languages? Tongues counts, right?
61. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? I try not to hit it. I would annihilate it.
62. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Breathe. Wait, no, that's not right..
63. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? I sent a love letter to a senator once.
64. When flying, do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats? I prefer jet pack.
65. Do you know how to drive a stick? Sticks don't have wheels.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? Whores.
67. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Not.
68. What is/are your favorite TV show/s? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
69. Can you roll your tongue? I can roll YOURS.
70. Who is the funniest person you know? My rice cooker. OH RICE COOKER YOU JEST
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? That's zoophilia.
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone? The voice of Jesus telling me I'm awesome. In that funny Mexican accent.
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? Yeah and they're REALLY tight.
74. What red object is closest to you right now? Some mysterious blood.
75. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones)? I've had insomnia.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed, or else the kids will get out.
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Bee-bears.
78. Do you flirt a lot? Don't have to.
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Money.
80. What are you most afraid of? Tic-tacs, actually....
81. Can you change the oil on a car? I just buy a new car.
82. Have you ever run out of gas? New car time.
83. Sum yourself up in 10 words or less. I only need one. Boss.
84. If you were an evil bastard, what would you be doing? Filling out a 100 question meme.
85. What was the last book you read? Machiavelli.
86. Do you read the newspaper? I like the funny pages.
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? For Highlights
89. Do you watch soap operas? Only Mexican ones.
90. I have replaced question number 90 with an assertion of my uberness.
91. Who is in the picture frame closest to you? Me and Billy Mayes.
92. Jane Austen, yea or nay? W/e
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper? 'Get more land mines'
94. What is your favorite candle scent? Candle? I guess? Is candle a scent?
95. What is your favorite board game? More like BORED game. LOLOLOLOL
97. How is your relationship with your mother? I'm a mother lover.
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? My wife.
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent? Six years.
100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you? Myself. *eats ice cream*