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I sort of feel like doing something stupid
14 years ago
I don't know, I think I'm just tired of my life being so... monotonous? I want to do something that feels more real, less safe, more fun, less easy. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my name and not leave any trail to find me. I want to know if I'll be the same person if I am surrounded by different places and things. I feel like I could be different, maybe even better. Maybe less afraid. For someone who talks so big, I sure don't do much. I help people overcome things, but I can't help myself.
I think part of the problem right now is that I'm being forced into a lot of the things I said I would never do. I'm going to a community college, even though I was accepted to prestigious schools, because the money that was always there for my schooling isn't there anymore. I'm living at home, when I swore I would get out at the first chance I got. Lord knows I've had plenty of chances now, and they've all been so risky that I've shied away.
Every day is the same and I'm going insane. I need help, but I don't know with what and even if I did I wouldn't know how to ask for it. And the sad thing is, the thing that used to help me, the thing I lost more than a year ago, is still gone. And I thought I was over it, but I'm realizing that I'm not. And I'm not sure I can be on my own.
And I'm not making any sense. I guess what I really want, more than anything, is for someone to be there for me. To let me know that I'm not on my own, even though I feel like it and even though I can't seem to talk about it. I hate to think that a relationship might help, since the last few have been hell. But I think if I could trust enough to get that support and have it actually work, I might feel better.
I'm lonely, even surrounded.
I think part of the problem right now is that I'm being forced into a lot of the things I said I would never do. I'm going to a community college, even though I was accepted to prestigious schools, because the money that was always there for my schooling isn't there anymore. I'm living at home, when I swore I would get out at the first chance I got. Lord knows I've had plenty of chances now, and they've all been so risky that I've shied away.
Every day is the same and I'm going insane. I need help, but I don't know with what and even if I did I wouldn't know how to ask for it. And the sad thing is, the thing that used to help me, the thing I lost more than a year ago, is still gone. And I thought I was over it, but I'm realizing that I'm not. And I'm not sure I can be on my own.
And I'm not making any sense. I guess what I really want, more than anything, is for someone to be there for me. To let me know that I'm not on my own, even though I feel like it and even though I can't seem to talk about it. I hate to think that a relationship might help, since the last few have been hell. But I think if I could trust enough to get that support and have it actually work, I might feel better.
I'm lonely, even surrounded.
Also, you might want to look into WWOOFing. I highly recommend doing it somewhere, doesn't have to be as far away as my experience was (New Zealand)--there are lots of farms and ranches in the US. All you have to do it pay for the ticket to get to the place, and then you live with a host family and work for your keep, as long as your stay may be. I hope you can consider this option.
How's the fursuit coming? Are you working on more than one, or have you put it/them on hold?
I think I will look into that. It sounds like what I might be needing right now.
For the farms, I recommend going some place that accommodates more than one wwoofer, just so you can have company. Also, be wary of places that have no reviews from previous wwoofers, as they could be false advertising. I had the misfortune of landing in one of those. -_- Wwoofing is an amazing way to become more mature and experience different cultures. :)
I'm looking at the website for Germany right now. I love Germany.
There is nothing like traveling the world and meeting new cultures and people to give a good perspective on things. To help oneself and to help others in the process.
I'd like to think I could shake things up for you, help you evaluate where you want to go in life. Or just have some fun as I'm trying to make up for decades of dull living.