I think that the "experts" are right about January being most depressing.

I should be excited and happy... I am a Certified Airframe and Powerplant Mechanic. I know my fiance is alive and well (despite being in Iraq) And I know that I will be hired soon to start working on helicopters again.

But yet...

I'm Lonely.
I'm Cold.
I'm Tired.
I'm Saddened.
I'm Ignored.
I'm Lied to.
I don't have any friends in real life to hang out with.
I hardly have any friends online that can stand me.
I don't know when I will get hired.
I don't know how long I will have the job when I get hired.
I'm left out.
I'm avoided.

Whats worse is I know that every single problem I have is my own fault.

I'm whiney.
I'm obsessive.
I'm strange.
I'm easily distracted.
I offend easily.

Some of my problems are things I cannot control... And it seems no one wants to understand.

I cannot understand simple social interaction.
I don't know how to interact with people.
I cannot understand when people are joking, or when they are serios.
I cannot understand how close of friends I am with people.
I easily get confused.
I don't know how to make friends, keep friends, or become a better friend.
I don't know when I am being annoying.
I don't know when to shut up.
I don't know how to control what I say or do.

The only thing that is completely outside my control is My Fiance is in Iraq serving in the reserves.

I know some people don't beleive it exsists. Or they think its a lame attempt to excuse my actions.

I'm not making this up.

I have medical files proving it.

I have a form of Autism... and there isn't a cure.

Its Called Aspergers Syndrome.

I'm damned to be akward, pushing people away, and constantly alone.

Most people look and stay away. Some try for a little bit, then give up.

Lord knows how my fiance puts up with me. I don't know how she does it myself.

I'm spiraling out of control and all I can get for help is people telling me to change. But no one is telling me HOW.

I don't understand. I don't know how.

Thank GOD I don't drink or do drugs. I would be worse off than I am now.

Sorry for this long rant, but I am tired.
I'm not looking for coddling, I'm not flailing about looking for attention. What I want isn't gonna happen.

I want another chance.
I want people to listen.
I want to be included.
I want to be part of the group... Not grasping at the edges.
I want a hug.
I want a shoulder to cry on.
I want...

I want to be something other than what I am.