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I'm alone.
18 years ago
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I don't know exactly how many people are gonna read this, but I need to vent.
As of two weeks ago tomorrow, I officially ended the relationship with my mate of over two years, Brimstone. His initial response wasn't surprising. He was hurt more than words can express and I let him express them. We talked, we argued, we talked some more. It hasn't been a terrible break up. It's been hard on both of us, more so for him, I'll admit. I've been trying to find another place to live, and I've spoken with someone who's moving here, however, it's not till the beginning of March.
I've been doing alright till now, but yesterday, something happened that broke the infrastructure that is my emotions and then everthing just came tumbling down. And now, I feel alone and left out, like everyone's out to get me and there's no one around that I can turn to. I feel like my friends who I thought loved me no longer do, I can't find a place to live and I'm afraid I'll have to move back to Phoenix, and to top it off, my ex-mate thinks I don't still love him, which I honest to goodness do. Now I'm trying to hide from the world, shutting everyone out so that they can't hurt me and I can mend my heart and put all the pieces back together. But I can't. And I can't express myself because that'll only cause more pain and I don't wanna argue or fight anymore.
I know I'm being paranoid and irrational. Nobody's out to get me, nobody hates me, my friends do still love me (I hope). I know Brim loves me, but I wish he could see that I love him back. I'm scared but I don't wanna admit it. I don't wanna be pittied. I'm tired of being pittied, but at the same time, I wanna be noticed and I want to be loved. I need to be saved.
But before that, right now, I need to be alone. *cries*
As of two weeks ago tomorrow, I officially ended the relationship with my mate of over two years, Brimstone. His initial response wasn't surprising. He was hurt more than words can express and I let him express them. We talked, we argued, we talked some more. It hasn't been a terrible break up. It's been hard on both of us, more so for him, I'll admit. I've been trying to find another place to live, and I've spoken with someone who's moving here, however, it's not till the beginning of March.
I've been doing alright till now, but yesterday, something happened that broke the infrastructure that is my emotions and then everthing just came tumbling down. And now, I feel alone and left out, like everyone's out to get me and there's no one around that I can turn to. I feel like my friends who I thought loved me no longer do, I can't find a place to live and I'm afraid I'll have to move back to Phoenix, and to top it off, my ex-mate thinks I don't still love him, which I honest to goodness do. Now I'm trying to hide from the world, shutting everyone out so that they can't hurt me and I can mend my heart and put all the pieces back together. But I can't. And I can't express myself because that'll only cause more pain and I don't wanna argue or fight anymore.
I know I'm being paranoid and irrational. Nobody's out to get me, nobody hates me, my friends do still love me (I hope). I know Brim loves me, but I wish he could see that I love him back. I'm scared but I don't wanna admit it. I don't wanna be pittied. I'm tired of being pittied, but at the same time, I wanna be noticed and I want to be loved. I need to be saved.
But before that, right now, I need to be alone. *cries*
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.