Grah! There's this awesome job out in waterford and I really want to apply for it. The trouble is, if I get it....I wont have a place to stay at first. I'd need somewhere to crash for like a month. I'd only have a pillow and blanket and a week's worth of clothes, so I wont take up much space at all.
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It's partly because is moving that way, but mostly because I can't have my own life till I'm away from my family. I'm fine wiith only having convention only and online only friends. I'd say, though we never met face to face, Sam and I are RL friends...but I haven't got much more than her and Sazume...and he's more special than just a friend. I'm fine with the fact I wont have friends to hang out with in RL, I need a job and to be away from my family, the people who use me and break my heart all the time.

I love them, I do...but it hurts too much. Sazume came in my life, suddenly my cousin Tammy, wshe and her sister and I grew up and were so close once upon a time...she started wanting to hang out with me again. But guess what? Only...only if he were there with me. I never told them, but I knew...cuz when I went to see her without him at my side, I was ignored...until she needed me to watch her little girl. I had cried over it...but I'm fine now. I shouldn't be hurt anymore...really, my cousins do it all the time. Then my aunt Felice....does the same, suddenly someone wants to hang with me....but only for Sazume. It's not his fault....but it does hurt. Then I find out several people we've hung out with in the fandom...they only invite me along as an afterthought, because he lives with me...or because he pretty much say I'm coming along too. There's...not too many furs who are actually my friends without promise of Sazume being in tow.

It kinda, really breaks my heart that I'm not good enough for anyone, really. Sazume and Sam are the only people who make me feel like I matter. Sazume being someone I can spend physical time with...it's nice. My life has been so much better this past year he's been with me. I love him very much and...well, yeah I suppose it's bad that I need him to feel safe. It's just...he makes me feel safe and I'm okay with just about anything when he's around.

I need a job....I need to not be my family's slave. I'm shit on their shoe, unless I am needed to do my sister's chores for them, or clean their rooms for them, or clean the entire house for my mother....or cook every fucking meal, most of what I pay for....just to hear them bitch and complain. I do everything and more, I pay all the bills, I tell that woman what she has left...I call everyone for her cuz she can't talk to people herself. My aunt Traci wants me around only if she needs me to dogsit. My two cousins only need me around when they need me to babysit.It's such a fucking chore to go, oh....she might want to come hang out with us where we're going... No, they have to talk about it nearby while I'm watching all their kids cuz they're too busy getting fucking high to do it themselves! Suddenly, someone looks my way and does the ooops, we better invite her thing. And as the third wheel/unwanted guest...I'm treated as such. Of course, because I care about children...it's the obly reason I am invited to family parties. I care too much to get drunk with everyone else cuz the kids could wander off into the woods or fields and get lost, hurt/ abducted or raped. We live in very small areas that are like...redneck nowhere towns/cities. Horrid, terrible things have happened before. But no, no...it's fine. I'm having so much fun keeping kids safe from morons and from wandering off. I have to follow at people's heels to get them to pay me any mind. I'm sick of being treated as sub-human scum. I hurt so much all the time. I know I'm pathetic.

Sometimes I am left to wonder how anyone could care about me, if I am so worthless. Sazume has never used me and he really does care. He's a wonderful and sweet guy. Though sometimes we both have trouble talking about things, we'd both been taught to bottle things up... XD

If anyone at all around wayne county area, waterford, melvindale or lincoln park has some crash space for a bit, I'd be forever grateful to you for getting me out of this place. I want to be somewhat near people I know...so I'm not completely alone in a new area.... I'm continuing to put in applications and search for rooms for rent, I hope soon something will pan out. Thanks for any help, if you guys can.