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Misunderstanding Dominance
14 years ago
I feel like we, as a fandom, do not really understand what it is to be dominant. It seems like every time I read a story or comic it has someone passive fawning over a jerk, if not a complete and total asshole. Even for fantasy it is absolutely ridiculous. If a guy degrades someone verbally and has to physically harm someone he just met, that makes him pathetic with way too much to prove.
A dominant male doesn't have the need to prove anything, his presence alone displays his ability naturally. The way he carries himself, being able to look others in the eye, feeling confident and calm, etc. If you have to beat someone down in order to make yourself look big then you are attempting to earn a position you can not acquire naturally. That is weakness attempting to seem imposing, like a chihuahua yapping though a fence.
I am also not certain we understand what it means to be submissive as a fandom either. Laziness seems to overwhelm the other more desirable submissive traits. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone else to take charge, or having a desire to follow, but it can get to a point where you are expecting the other person to do absolutely everything. In a healthy exchange I imagine it as cooperative as playing fetch with your dog. I throw the ball where I want to when I want to, you chase it and bring it back so I can throw it again. Instead most exchanges feel as one-sided as playing fetch with a cat.
A dominant male doesn't have the need to prove anything, his presence alone displays his ability naturally. The way he carries himself, being able to look others in the eye, feeling confident and calm, etc. If you have to beat someone down in order to make yourself look big then you are attempting to earn a position you can not acquire naturally. That is weakness attempting to seem imposing, like a chihuahua yapping though a fence.
I am also not certain we understand what it means to be submissive as a fandom either. Laziness seems to overwhelm the other more desirable submissive traits. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone else to take charge, or having a desire to follow, but it can get to a point where you are expecting the other person to do absolutely everything. In a healthy exchange I imagine it as cooperative as playing fetch with your dog. I throw the ball where I want to when I want to, you chase it and bring it back so I can throw it again. Instead most exchanges feel as one-sided as playing fetch with a cat.
A link the said article on F-List.net (http://www.f-list.net/thread.php?thread=27084)
(I do not know which form of address you prefer so please correct me if I address you incorrectly)
Without a good Dominant a submissive doesn't really get taught the right lessons. Some come by these skills naturally. Most do not. That being said, in my experience most good submissive folk have been trained in some fashion. There are those that are lazy and there are also those that simply don't have the experience to do better. Don't be too harsh before you know which one you are dealing with.
A dog learns what it is to please his master and so must a pup. There are those that teach and those that command. A skilled Dominant knows the difference and follows the path of the teacher. Personally, I have a good number years of experience as a submissive under my belt.. but not so many as good sub. I understand frustration with a lazy submissive. It makes sense that you don't want a pup that is not going to respond to your commands, demands, and whims. After all, if they don't listen what are they doing to earn the praise they crave? It is a learning experience. A submissive that has not had a good Dominant will not understand the pleasure that comes with pleasing his/her Superior.
You should remember also that there are Dominants that really enjoy hurting their subs and subs that love the exercise of such "torture". (I am not one of these.) When push comes to shove you have to keep in mind that there are a multitude of different personality types. Some people aren't looking for a long term deal. Some people are looking to get hurt. Some people want to be humiliated, pissed on, talked down to, and generally taken advantage of. And then there are those that will do anything just to get their dick wet/ass fucked.
Now I am not saying that most furries don't really know what the two concepts mean. I am simply stating that there are as many facets to these ideas as anyone can comprehend and each person defines them by his/her own unique experiences.
*sits back on his haunches and shrugs* Just my two cents, Sir. Have a good day.
Surprisingly, you have actually given me something new to consider here. Especially your analogy of how a submissive person is taught or can be taught both correctly or incorrectly. This type of thinking already feels like it is shedding a whole lot of light on other things I've seen in the past and will help make more sense of future situations.
There are those that enjoy to degrade or be degraded. However, it seems odd that often times the fandom feels that these are essential components in being dominant or submissive, almost ridiculously so. I understand that these desires do actually exist in some (which is fine, to each their own) but I do not feel that it is anywhere near common enough for it to be expected by default as it often is now.
Thank you for your thought out reply, it is good to get an alternate perspective on subjects like this.
And thank you for your acknowledgement, Sir. I am delighted to be of service. =3
(I had this whole long, thought out reply and then stupidly hit the back button to see if I could find your IM information in order to continue our discussion.)
Same issue with overly-passive subs. Some subs don't know any better. Some think that this is what a good sub does. Some are truly happy being wholly passive and letting a dom rule them at whim. The important part is having alternatives available so subs and doms can honestly look and find what pleases them.