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Give it up, but I can't
14 years ago
General
'Aluminum to me, aluminium to some. You can shine like silver all you want but you're just aluminum.' Barenaked Ladies, Aluminum
I need to give this up. I need to stop dwelling on my own irrational disgust with people, things, facts of life. REality. The nature of social happenings. This fandom. Conventions. Everything. Its all involved in one stupid matter that I cant get out of my head and put aside to just be cheerful. All it takes is one simple remark, upload, comment or lack of any of those to make me cringe, growl and complain for days on end. Its ridiculous, and I need to end it. but I cant.
Ive tried. Ive tried pushing these things out of my life, tried blocking them away. ive tried just ignoring them. Ive tried rationalizing it, Ive tried applying logic. Ive tried putting all my feelings out to folks that might understand me. Ive tried finding some comparisons in music, in movies, in other situations.
And the only thing I keep thinking will work is outright removing myself from all contact with the matters that tick me off. I dont want to, but I just dont know how else to deal with this much more. Running isnt the answer, I know this, but Ive never been much of a fighter anyways. Run run run, hide from the monsters that dwell in my closet. The demons that destroy the smile, that seek only to burst out with growls and curmudgeonry. THe more I allow them into me, the lesser of a person I become.
Im becoming a grump, a fool, someone not worth knowing at all. The black sheep, rather than a black gryph. Im becoming the one that sits in a corner and glares at everyone else having a grand old time, thinking to myself 'that could be me, if only...' And the 'if only...' could be finished with so many simple things, it seems. So says everyone I talk to.
If only... I paid more attention to people. I showed that I had interest apart from RP or gaming. I put some effort into something other than enjoying the moment. I cared to listen to someone elses problems. I approached others first rather than waiting for them to come to me.
And I have excuses for each of these 'simple' things. Its not so simple, truly, not when youre fighting against your own nature. I am me. I can't change me, I would be someone else if I wasn't me. I have the things I enjoy, the things I love to do. I have my friends that love me for me, and the ones that will always be at my side, even if I cant handle my own emotions.
And that should be all I ever need. It IS all I ever need. yet my head keeps thinking I need more, I need the grass on the other side. I need to feel the appreciation and get the gifts that others are getting. I need to be included in every group.
But I need to let those go. Thats the truth. I need to come to accept this, that Im not one of them. Im trying to fit in where I dont. Im a Christian, but not a furry. Im a furry, but not a Christian. So say people.
Im a gryphon, and not a dragon... Im a fan, not an artist. Im a man, not a boy. Im a strong person, not a pushover. Im a gamer, not a chatter. Im a lover, not a fucker. Im a runner, not a fighter.
Im a gryphon, not a dragon.
Im a gryphon, not a dragon.
Im a gryphon...
Gryphon.
Im a warrior for the Lord. Im better than how I show. Im better than who I think I am. Im more powerful than I could be alone. Im meant for more than arguing. Im more worthy than I can see for myself. Im capable of enduring any storm. Im wise enough to know who keeps me strong.
I cant pull myself free from this pit, but I have the help of the ones that can. This I know. As I know I need to forget the past, clean the slate, gather myself and prove my strength and worth. That decay inside needs to be purged, and with the help of the Lord, my friends, and my own strength it will be cleaned out, burned away, and leave me with more strength than before. It wont be easy, but I msut do it... I cant keep letting these things gnaw on my mind and chew up my emotions. My emotions are my own, they must be tamed, controlled, reigned in and turned in the right directions. Life is all about training, its time I trained my own feelings more firmly.
Ive tried. Ive tried pushing these things out of my life, tried blocking them away. ive tried just ignoring them. Ive tried rationalizing it, Ive tried applying logic. Ive tried putting all my feelings out to folks that might understand me. Ive tried finding some comparisons in music, in movies, in other situations.
And the only thing I keep thinking will work is outright removing myself from all contact with the matters that tick me off. I dont want to, but I just dont know how else to deal with this much more. Running isnt the answer, I know this, but Ive never been much of a fighter anyways. Run run run, hide from the monsters that dwell in my closet. The demons that destroy the smile, that seek only to burst out with growls and curmudgeonry. THe more I allow them into me, the lesser of a person I become.
Im becoming a grump, a fool, someone not worth knowing at all. The black sheep, rather than a black gryph. Im becoming the one that sits in a corner and glares at everyone else having a grand old time, thinking to myself 'that could be me, if only...' And the 'if only...' could be finished with so many simple things, it seems. So says everyone I talk to.
If only... I paid more attention to people. I showed that I had interest apart from RP or gaming. I put some effort into something other than enjoying the moment. I cared to listen to someone elses problems. I approached others first rather than waiting for them to come to me.
And I have excuses for each of these 'simple' things. Its not so simple, truly, not when youre fighting against your own nature. I am me. I can't change me, I would be someone else if I wasn't me. I have the things I enjoy, the things I love to do. I have my friends that love me for me, and the ones that will always be at my side, even if I cant handle my own emotions.
And that should be all I ever need. It IS all I ever need. yet my head keeps thinking I need more, I need the grass on the other side. I need to feel the appreciation and get the gifts that others are getting. I need to be included in every group.
But I need to let those go. Thats the truth. I need to come to accept this, that Im not one of them. Im trying to fit in where I dont. Im a Christian, but not a furry. Im a furry, but not a Christian. So say people.
Im a gryphon, and not a dragon... Im a fan, not an artist. Im a man, not a boy. Im a strong person, not a pushover. Im a gamer, not a chatter. Im a lover, not a fucker. Im a runner, not a fighter.
Im a gryphon, not a dragon.
Im a gryphon, not a dragon.
Im a gryphon...
Gryphon.
Im a warrior for the Lord. Im better than how I show. Im better than who I think I am. Im more powerful than I could be alone. Im meant for more than arguing. Im more worthy than I can see for myself. Im capable of enduring any storm. Im wise enough to know who keeps me strong.
I cant pull myself free from this pit, but I have the help of the ones that can. This I know. As I know I need to forget the past, clean the slate, gather myself and prove my strength and worth. That decay inside needs to be purged, and with the help of the Lord, my friends, and my own strength it will be cleaned out, burned away, and leave me with more strength than before. It wont be easy, but I msut do it... I cant keep letting these things gnaw on my mind and chew up my emotions. My emotions are my own, they must be tamed, controlled, reigned in and turned in the right directions. Life is all about training, its time I trained my own feelings more firmly.
I know I well never break myself of this side, all I can do is just block out the smaller acts of stupidity for find some quick way of dealing with it. I am the kind of person that believes we should have some form of a return to a 1950-esq society where being rude, stuck up and a general asshole were things that you could get smacked for instead of rewarded for in today's times, and I don't mean just kids, I want that for everyone, even if they are damn 90 years old, you get some form of punishment for being a asshole.
One thing I didn't quite get about your post there though,
"Im a gryphon, not a dragon.
Im a gryphon, not a dragon.
Im a gryphon..."
Having some form of inner battle over your fursona?
It's all in the mind, or so they say.. You can do anything if you put your mind to it, I just haven't figured out how to just yet! XD Maybe you can do better than me, gryphons are smart right? Just gotta do some seperating or sorting right? (I think I just confused myself >.< )