i'm sorry
i'm sorry i can't be more
i'm sorry i can't be better
i'm sorry i can't be who i was
i'm sorry i'm only who i am now

anyone who has ever suffered from depression will understand what i just wrote up there...because of my medication (and now lack of) and what's been goin on with me health-wise, i've been down n my depression has been getting worse..i was going to do individual christmas cards for my closest friends, and didn't get them done...i wanted to do a valentine pic n didnt get it done...wanna work on my dr mew comic n haven't lately...i've worked a bit on my jewelry, but not to the extent that i'd like to...

this is the last journal i'm gonna do about this stuff, then i'm gonna go back to dealin with it on my own like i have been...the CT scan i got on my heart a couple weeks ago showed no blood clots in my heart...i still have breathing problems and a fast heart beat, along with all the other pain i've been goin thru...they took me off both my pain meds cuz it was thought they were the cause of my heart beat...my depression got worse, to the point i dont want to admit to...i'm still not up like i was before, but least i'm not down as far...i have times when im happy n upbeat, then i have times where i cuddle my stuffed tiger n cry on its head...i make my jewelry cuz it helps my depression n keeps my mind busy thinking about anything other than being down...

my sister is taking me down to the hospital tomorrow to get fitted for a heart monitor...i have to wear it for 24 hours, so they can figure out why my heart beats too fast...my sissy's gonna take me, cuz im scared to go alone, then we're gonna hang for the day before my appt...

i swear, its only the middle of feb, and i've already been to my primary n pain drs 5 times!!! with more appts to come...lucky me...least i have really good insurance...