So, It's 1AM....I should have been in bed an hour ago. But I felt something was on my mind...something that needed saying, or at least an outlet for what has been troubling me....


AS many read in my last journal, I recently had a visit from two very dear friends. one of which I had deeply hoped to call my mate after the visit. It was a fun-filled week, with nothing but smiles and excitement at every turn. Would I have done thigns different given the chance, and relived that week to fix a few blunders? Yea, i guess I would. There are some things I wanted to happen different, but nothing so bad I feel they really derailed the joy of the trip. Still...

Lately I have realized my life consists of a game called Vindictus, World of Warcraft, Second life, and doing whatever my family [and occationally my friends] tell me to do. It sounds worse than it is, I assure you. But there is also the social aspect on Skype, where recently...something was told to me that I feel has effected my emotions, and posibly to a degree, my physical ability.

The one whom I desired to be my mate recently informed me that the distance was too great [not that that stopped him back when we were just Master/pet...but I respect his choice in this, and knowing of what he wants and needs]. As such...I put my all into that...Every ounce of who I am...I put into the hope of that relationship. I pushed away a few posible partners, even, in deep devotion to him. A regretable mistake, even if it had worked out, as I realize only now that I put too much into a chance. I gambled. And it was foolish to assume something that had yet to come, and to leave those whom desired me with hurt emotions all over this. But I saught whom I wanted....and that was him. But ever sense the news of this recently...I have found I am sleeping less, smoking more, and feel exausted....all the time. Defeated, even.

I have told this to an RL friend, trying to solve the riddle...and he asked 'Do you blame him?'. No...I regret much, and I wish he'd chosen to agree with my desires...but I do not blame him. He proceeded to ask many more questions. 'Do you know who to turn to now?' 'Do you know what you will do?' 'Did you ever plan incase this didn't go as planned?'....Each one, I answered as the last....'No'...

But then he asked me a few questions I couldn't answer....'Do you know what you really wanted all along? Are you sure it was him you wanted, and not the idea? This isn't easy, and I don't mean to make it sound like it is...but do you even know who YOU are, that you'd ask another to accept you?' Roughly phrased this way, not a perfect quote....but it made me pause. think.

Truth is? I don't know. I don'tk nwo if he was what I really wanted...or if it was the idea...who I am...who I want..what I want...I'm not sure. But doing this...gonig through this phase of giving everything to someone...only to have them hand it back to me...saying they won't take me...It's really hit me. hard. It's made me second guess a lot of things. And...whoever I am...whoever I'm looking for...this much became clear after much thoguht and meditation. I don'tk now for sure who I am. Who would accept me, knowing this, or who it is I want to do so.

What I do know? I know I am me. Whoever that is, it's the only person that I can be. That i can truely be. And I want someone...who? Don't know. But I want someoen in my life...to accept me for who I am, and all my strange, silly quirks. Who will understand I am sheltered...At the same time, have a hero complex. I WANT to be that man..the stranger who saved someone, without asking a name, or a reasno...without asking a price, or reward. I want someone to accept me knowing that I am not selfless...But I try not to be selfish. But most of all....

....I want someone to love me...as deeply, and purely as I am willing to love them. Because...I know I'm not at my last legs of love...nor will I be for a logn time, I'm sure....but each time I give my heart to someone...I give them everythign that makes me who I am. Even the parts I don't understand, yet. I give them everything, and lay myself at their mercy....And each time I have been rejected...misplaced...even dropped more than once. Broken....shattered once or twice...I still remember leaving an ex-owner of mine...and crying for almost a week straight...but that's who I am. Part of it. I want someone to accept that, and love me for it....and....

...stop dropping me.

I am not a fragile china dish...but I am no moutain of strength...I am weak. Alone...I will die. Alone...I will suffer a slow, and painful death, filled with lonliness and sorrow...I don't want that. I do not think it is my fate, though. I think someone out there is waiting to find me...someone I can truely love and truely be with for the rest of my life. But...the search for who I am meant to be with...and the waiting, when I don't look...for them to find me...its....hard.

this is me saying how I feel, too tired to lie...too tired to beg...too tired to question beyond what my limited mind can within reason, and expect any answer. And how I feel? Is sad. Lonely. Many things. But most of all? desperate...for the pain, and lonliness to end.