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Such is Life (long journal)
17 years ago
General
Dear Blog/Journal
Is it possible to be surrounded by friends, surrounded by dozens of people you know, and on top of all that have access to several hundred people via online communication and still feel lonely? I feel so. I don't know what it is anymore, but even when I'm with my husband Randy (aka Randalfin, aka Bunny Fujin) I somehow don't feel complete and I don't know why. It bugs me to virtually no end and I cannot stand the feeling of solitude. There were times yes where I wanted to be left alone, where I wanted to escape from the world. Now that I'm practically isolated out here in the middle of nowhere and stuck with nothing really to do it's agrivating how days seem to blend into one another and you hardly notice the change.
Least I'm doing something different this week other than sit around and watch movies and chill on Second Life all day (BTW if anyone's interested in chatting on SL, my screen name is Damionstjames Webb). This week I'm staying over at a pair of my friends' house named Kari and Adrian. Adrian is a furry, I think, I dunno about Kari. Anyway, Adrian works alot and Kari needs help with the baby so here I am to help play cleanup crew around the house while she minds the boy-child. At the same time I can also walk around nearby and fill out job applications. I'm a bit weary about filling out aps for a job that's a near 30 minute drive away from my home, but what choice do I got? I've got to do something if S.S. dosen't get off their asses.
Oh yeah, that's the other thing. I'm trying to get my social security going. I loathe not being in PDX (Portland, Oregon) anymore. I could just take the bus and go from one hospital to another and get all the information I need about doctor visits and medical dates and diagnosis dates and so forth and be able to visit the SS office in the same day. But now I have to deal with snail mail. I have to call each hospital and request a release of information form and fill it out and mail it back in before they can mail me the dates and the proper paperwork to get on disability. Honestly I'm not trying to get on disability because I lack the ability to get a job - I feel it's because I just can't function in a job environment anymore regardless of what I'd be doing. My social anxiety is up, depression is up, and health on the decline. I hardly have the motivation I did before I got sick with the Staph and I definitely haven't felt any motivation after Sibe raped me.
At least my husband is working. I find it a bit ironic he got a job at the place I quit from. I wonder if that means I'll get the job at Old Castle Glass where he used to work. Wouldn't that be something? I get his old job and he gets mine? Well if I did get a job there at least it's 10$ an hour to start, and that's certainly something alright. Though I'm also eager to see Randy at work, I think he'd be cute in that McDonalds uniform.
Ah yes, for any wrestling game fans..I'm digging Smackdown Vs. Raw 08. While I don't like the change in fighting systems between 06 to 07, I have to admit it opened the door for wider ranges of creativity. My characters are more bad ass then they've ever been, Barbwire is still kicking ass after nearly 8 games, and I'm still wracking up championship belts. Adrian and I are big fans of it, and my D&D DM Jeff is also into it. He created himself on the game (technical + high flier), and I absolutelyloathe his character. He keeps sticking his nose in my business and he's so spry and springy it's not even funny. Also after dicking around with the ECW Extreme Rules matches I've come to discover there's SO much more you can do with weapons now. Aside from just setting the ladder and the table in the corner, you can now set the chair in the corner as well and turn the ladder sideways to do more damage. You can also wear the ladder on your shoulders and spin around to take out your foes - a tactic I definitely enjoy.
Anyway it's like 0330 so I better get to bed my friendly fuzzbutts!
This is the Yiffmaster General* saying Sticky Dreams to all!
(the title Yiffmaster General is a Yiffstar.com awarded nickname. All rights reserved to Damion St. James and Yiffstar.com) :P
Is it possible to be surrounded by friends, surrounded by dozens of people you know, and on top of all that have access to several hundred people via online communication and still feel lonely? I feel so. I don't know what it is anymore, but even when I'm with my husband Randy (aka Randalfin, aka Bunny Fujin) I somehow don't feel complete and I don't know why. It bugs me to virtually no end and I cannot stand the feeling of solitude. There were times yes where I wanted to be left alone, where I wanted to escape from the world. Now that I'm practically isolated out here in the middle of nowhere and stuck with nothing really to do it's agrivating how days seem to blend into one another and you hardly notice the change.
Least I'm doing something different this week other than sit around and watch movies and chill on Second Life all day (BTW if anyone's interested in chatting on SL, my screen name is Damionstjames Webb). This week I'm staying over at a pair of my friends' house named Kari and Adrian. Adrian is a furry, I think, I dunno about Kari. Anyway, Adrian works alot and Kari needs help with the baby so here I am to help play cleanup crew around the house while she minds the boy-child. At the same time I can also walk around nearby and fill out job applications. I'm a bit weary about filling out aps for a job that's a near 30 minute drive away from my home, but what choice do I got? I've got to do something if S.S. dosen't get off their asses.
Oh yeah, that's the other thing. I'm trying to get my social security going. I loathe not being in PDX (Portland, Oregon) anymore. I could just take the bus and go from one hospital to another and get all the information I need about doctor visits and medical dates and diagnosis dates and so forth and be able to visit the SS office in the same day. But now I have to deal with snail mail. I have to call each hospital and request a release of information form and fill it out and mail it back in before they can mail me the dates and the proper paperwork to get on disability. Honestly I'm not trying to get on disability because I lack the ability to get a job - I feel it's because I just can't function in a job environment anymore regardless of what I'd be doing. My social anxiety is up, depression is up, and health on the decline. I hardly have the motivation I did before I got sick with the Staph and I definitely haven't felt any motivation after Sibe raped me.
At least my husband is working. I find it a bit ironic he got a job at the place I quit from. I wonder if that means I'll get the job at Old Castle Glass where he used to work. Wouldn't that be something? I get his old job and he gets mine? Well if I did get a job there at least it's 10$ an hour to start, and that's certainly something alright. Though I'm also eager to see Randy at work, I think he'd be cute in that McDonalds uniform.
Ah yes, for any wrestling game fans..I'm digging Smackdown Vs. Raw 08. While I don't like the change in fighting systems between 06 to 07, I have to admit it opened the door for wider ranges of creativity. My characters are more bad ass then they've ever been, Barbwire is still kicking ass after nearly 8 games, and I'm still wracking up championship belts. Adrian and I are big fans of it, and my D&D DM Jeff is also into it. He created himself on the game (technical + high flier), and I absolutelyloathe his character. He keeps sticking his nose in my business and he's so spry and springy it's not even funny. Also after dicking around with the ECW Extreme Rules matches I've come to discover there's SO much more you can do with weapons now. Aside from just setting the ladder and the table in the corner, you can now set the chair in the corner as well and turn the ladder sideways to do more damage. You can also wear the ladder on your shoulders and spin around to take out your foes - a tactic I definitely enjoy.
Anyway it's like 0330 so I better get to bed my friendly fuzzbutts!
This is the Yiffmaster General* saying Sticky Dreams to all!
(the title Yiffmaster General is a Yiffstar.com awarded nickname. All rights reserved to Damion St. James and Yiffstar.com) :P
Tristans Hoard
~tristanhawthorne
*snuggles*
