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Journal 38 - Struggling
6 years ago
General
Dear Journal and Readers,
As some of you may know I suffer from a crippling depression, anxiety, and recently short-term memory loss. It becomes difficult for me to remember details like names, conversations, or at times entire days. For example, I can know that I sat down and did tabletop RP with my roommate or husband, played video games, or even went out for food but the very next day I don't remember it. I know I did because I can see receipts or notice that my living room chair has its back facing the TV (a sign that I was storytelling) but not remember a thing. It has made my life incredibly difficult.
Further compounding my issues, as some of you know from reading my journal know I lost my facebook a while back. This has cut me off from communication with some of my oldest friends, and most extended family. Some people that I had only this year managed to reconnect with. I'm feeling the definite alienation and isolation as a result. While I don't have a desire to go back to facebook as it had become an almost consuming obsession of mine, the fact that I was cut-off from so many people I love and appreciate really hurts me. I understand that simply making yet another account on a new email is a solution to that problem but I have to look at this like a recovering addict. The cons of what facebook took from me far out way the cons. I just have to get over this withdrawal that I'm suffering.
Getting through each and every day is tough, and not easy. I wake up, feeling hopeless and crushing depression. I at times feel no reason to get out of bed. I feel no drive to do anything that I do. I simply do what I do because it's what I have been doing for years. I do what I do because if I just laid in bed all day I'd literally get nothing done and just waste away. I'm not even all that gravely upset at being consigned to a wheelchair, but my deteriorating health (despite my efforts to correct it) is weighing on me. Let me be clear - I'm not suicidal nor do I want to die - I just am not happy with life right now. I am seeing doctors (which I'm not happy with) to keep my health in check but considering I went so utterly long without any kind of health care and lived such an unhealthy life for so long it is difficult for me to pull myself out of this hole.
I have you guys. The people who read this, my friends, and my immediate family as my support network. Without them, and without you, I think I would have been swallowed by despair long ago. I just want anyone reading this to understand that this is something that I struggle with. Sometimes my depression can last weeks, months. This is just something that happens and often times while events can bring me down or I see something that disturbs me or even have something stressful happen to me that sets me back that this is a phenomenon that I just have to endure. All I ask from you all is that you don't ignore or give up on me no matter how bad I get. I will do my best not to become "full emo" on you all and drag you down with me, I am simply asking that sometimes you all be there to remind me of why I keep going.
All this being said, I'm working on another S.S. claim. Now that I'm in a wheelchair and suffering memory loss, I probably have the best case yet to be able to get on social security. I don't want to, but I realize there's virtually no job that I can have when I can't remember important details sometimes half an hour to an hour after I'm told them. I can't work fast food while in a wheelchair; what fast food place is going to allow a person in a wheelchair behind the counter? Wal-Mart has virtually phased out their door greeter program so I doubt that's an option. About the only thing I can do (possibly) for work is drive a fork-lift and with my memory issues I don't think that's going to be viable. Could you imagine someone saying I need to get X from section 2 and suddenly as I'm halfway there forget what it is I need to get? That would waste my time and theirs.
I could use all the luck I can get. Please cross your fingers for me.
Damion/Jack
As some of you may know I suffer from a crippling depression, anxiety, and recently short-term memory loss. It becomes difficult for me to remember details like names, conversations, or at times entire days. For example, I can know that I sat down and did tabletop RP with my roommate or husband, played video games, or even went out for food but the very next day I don't remember it. I know I did because I can see receipts or notice that my living room chair has its back facing the TV (a sign that I was storytelling) but not remember a thing. It has made my life incredibly difficult.
Further compounding my issues, as some of you know from reading my journal know I lost my facebook a while back. This has cut me off from communication with some of my oldest friends, and most extended family. Some people that I had only this year managed to reconnect with. I'm feeling the definite alienation and isolation as a result. While I don't have a desire to go back to facebook as it had become an almost consuming obsession of mine, the fact that I was cut-off from so many people I love and appreciate really hurts me. I understand that simply making yet another account on a new email is a solution to that problem but I have to look at this like a recovering addict. The cons of what facebook took from me far out way the cons. I just have to get over this withdrawal that I'm suffering.
Getting through each and every day is tough, and not easy. I wake up, feeling hopeless and crushing depression. I at times feel no reason to get out of bed. I feel no drive to do anything that I do. I simply do what I do because it's what I have been doing for years. I do what I do because if I just laid in bed all day I'd literally get nothing done and just waste away. I'm not even all that gravely upset at being consigned to a wheelchair, but my deteriorating health (despite my efforts to correct it) is weighing on me. Let me be clear - I'm not suicidal nor do I want to die - I just am not happy with life right now. I am seeing doctors (which I'm not happy with) to keep my health in check but considering I went so utterly long without any kind of health care and lived such an unhealthy life for so long it is difficult for me to pull myself out of this hole.
I have you guys. The people who read this, my friends, and my immediate family as my support network. Without them, and without you, I think I would have been swallowed by despair long ago. I just want anyone reading this to understand that this is something that I struggle with. Sometimes my depression can last weeks, months. This is just something that happens and often times while events can bring me down or I see something that disturbs me or even have something stressful happen to me that sets me back that this is a phenomenon that I just have to endure. All I ask from you all is that you don't ignore or give up on me no matter how bad I get. I will do my best not to become "full emo" on you all and drag you down with me, I am simply asking that sometimes you all be there to remind me of why I keep going.
All this being said, I'm working on another S.S. claim. Now that I'm in a wheelchair and suffering memory loss, I probably have the best case yet to be able to get on social security. I don't want to, but I realize there's virtually no job that I can have when I can't remember important details sometimes half an hour to an hour after I'm told them. I can't work fast food while in a wheelchair; what fast food place is going to allow a person in a wheelchair behind the counter? Wal-Mart has virtually phased out their door greeter program so I doubt that's an option. About the only thing I can do (possibly) for work is drive a fork-lift and with my memory issues I don't think that's going to be viable. Could you imagine someone saying I need to get X from section 2 and suddenly as I'm halfway there forget what it is I need to get? That would waste my time and theirs.
I could use all the luck I can get. Please cross your fingers for me.
Damion/Jack
