This is gonna be a pretty heavy message from me, so bear with it if you want to read through it. If not, I suggest you close this journal and go elsewhere.

There have been a lot of things going on lately for me, and despite the fact I've seemed a lot more chipper lately to those whom I have been talking to, things have been getting really bad here. For those who don't talk to me and might not know me that well, I've had a mixture of serious self-confidence issues, recurring depression, and problems at home. The last is what has been really getting out of hand lately, and the reason I'm posting up this journal. I need a chance to vent what is going on here and just get it off of my chest. I will get to the "Potential Unavailability" part of the journal later on.

The situation here is my father. This is going to sound like a common story but lately he has been scaring me quite a bit. He used to be a lot more level-headed, compassionate, etc. He used to be a much better person. Even after he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (a brain and spinal disease), he didn't change much. Honestly I had a lot of respect for how much he deals with while remaining such a good person and someone I could trust in. However, these last few years have shown a drastic change; his temper has been on edge constantly, he always threatens us with his ability to simply throw us out if we do not practically bow to his every whim; the slightest question or disagreement might set him off. I can't even talk to him anymore. And it's been getting worse and worse to the point where I'm afraid his temper might hurt someone. He hasn't done anything yet, and I hope it remains that way, but I fear otherwise.

As an example of what's been going on, today I went to ask him to talk to my younger sister, who has a habit of taking things from my room despite me constantly asking her to leave my stuff alone. She has been taking my mother's clothing, my game systems and games (and damaging them too, since she doesn't care for them properly), and so I went to ask him to talk to her; I didn't have the authority to do anything if she kept doing it despite my insistence and she ignores my mom, so I figured dad would be the one to go to. However, the instant I asked him to step in, he went from calm to instant temper and flipped out about how he shouldn't have to be the go-to man, how I should worry less about my stuff and more about moving out (he pulls this card often; problem is that jobs aren't easy to find here in Charlotte), and then just pretty much went berserk and cut me off every two words when I tried to explain that I couldn't do anything more about her taking my stuff than I have in the past. He pretty much said that my problems didn't matter, since he had to deal with problems like me and my sister still living here (we're 21 and 18, respectively; if I had a job I would have been out of here long ago...).

Essentially, this is just an idea of how much and how quickly he flips moods to anger. Frankly, it's rather scary at times because we have to tiptoe around him lest we set him off again. And I'm a little worried by how intense his anger gets even during rational conversations; he's become a bully and uses his anger to get his way despite it being a calm, relaxed conversation.

But yeah, that's my situation so far, and because of this, I may be unavailable in the near future. I have been talking with my mate about moving up to PA with him long enough to get away from this family so that I can concentrate and perhaps manage to find myself a situation where I can get steady employment and hopefully be able to move out from there. I don't know when I will be moving; it may be sooner than later with how hard it is to deal with this environment some days, but it will likely be with minimal notice, if any. I will have wireless internet there so I can use my laptop to make contact again one things have settled out and I am in a new position to deal with things.

What I am thinking of doing is joining JobCorp; it is a free program that allows you to be trained in a profession among the ones they offer (varies by location) and will help you get a job as well once you have completed training. They provide facilities (you are expected to live on site) and potentially can set you up in the career you hope to work towards. It's something I've been looking at for awhile, but I've been holding out because I've wanted to at least finish my last two classes and see if I couldn't get a job based on my major rather than starting fresh while still dealing with my loans. This may not be possible, however, so I am working with what I can in order to move forward and work towards a little independence.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a heads-up on my potential absence in the very near future, particularly on messengers, and wanted to give everyone an idea of what's been going on so that you can understand just why I've acted like I have lately. It's hard to work in a hateful environment like this, and it has really killed my self-confidence. So yeah... that's just what's going on lately.

Here's to hoping that things improve in the near future... hopefully. ~Zeich