The other day I was given a rare opportunity. You see, in my line of work, I get to play with certain toys that would make most Call of Duty players do triple back flips into pits of syringe needles to trade places with me. It's one of the many perks that my job has, and I'm quite grateful for them. That being said, on that particular day I was given a M249 rapid assault rifle (rapid assault rifle, not LMG), 400 rounds, and an objective: The enemy squad.

As I'm still in training, they feel the need to show me how to do stuff that I'm simply going to be retaught at a RTC (regional training center) before I get deployed. Not that I mind of course. Getting to run around with 20 pounds of pure daddy issues and enough rounds to turn most buildings into Swiss cheese isn't exactly something to complain about. Additionally, the M249 is more awkward to carry than a seizure prone baby holding a knife, so no one really cares how you hold as the thing as you get from point A to point B as long as you get to point B. This, combined with the objective and my positioning made for some good old fashioned Air Force hilarities.

The plan was simple. An enemy squad was lying wait in ambush. Knowing that they had terrain advantage like none other, the Bravo fire team leader decided to take his team and walk in the general direction of where the ambush would most likely be. The other 2 teams we're put 200 meters away on either side of them as support fire for when the proverbial fecal matter hit the rotating blades. All in all, it was a good plan. A good plan that was made better by the fact that the gank came from my side.

The M249 gunner has a simple role. Bunker the hell down somewhere safe and put out a wall of lead thick enough that radiation couldn't even make it through. Unfortunately, such a role requires the M249 gunner to let the enemy come to them, not vice versa. Seeing as we were set to move to support the bait, we didn't exactly have the ability to bunker down somewhere. This meant that I would be lugging the weapon I so lovingly named Tyrant all the way to the enemy; And what better way to do that than with one hand on the trigger, and one hand on the carrying handle.

We arrive at the position only to discover that we have literally no time to set up defenses, go prone, or really do much of anything other than unload on the cocky sods who didn't think to have someone watching their backs. This was all well and good for the rest of the team as they were all trudging around with M4s. For me however, I had to think of something fast. The enemy would soon see us unloading on their flanks, and the ground was thickly woven with thorn bushes, so a rapid prone was beyond my current capacities. What was I to do?

Thinking fast, I tucked the gun to my hip, gripped the carrying handle for all it was worth, and squeezed that trigger as if doing so would hold back the apocalypse. It was beautiful. Standing amongst the defeated dead and dying, I swiveled and turned my body to unleash Hell's fury upon the enemy team. For 16.4 seconds, I was an unstoppable killing machine.

Unfortunately, hip firing a large fire arm isn't exactly something that resides within Air Force protocol. Fortunately, my instructor at the time had heard me scream “OOTINI” at the top of my lungs and was too busy laughing at the display to really care that I had committed a cardinal sin. I was set free with a slap on the wrist and a pat on the back and finished the day quite content with myself.

Moral of the story: Almost every job in the Air Force has something awesome to it. Even if you're doing something like Security Forces despite your 114 DLAB score, you'll find something you like about it eventually.