So yeah....

That friend of mine that came down From Canada to go to Tribal Solstice with me..
Who got free room and bored @ Juin's place, got a free ride to and form the Festivle (2 hours each way) got to stay in our hotel room some of the time....Oh But of COURSE when she gets home she goes Sky Diving, and gets professional Phtos taken and such..cause hell she saved a TON of money!

Apparently while I was IN THE HOSPITAL GETTING SURGERY she thought it portent to get shit faced, start telling Juin how horrible I am to him and that "she could have a lot of fun with him" Oh and BTW I MAY have an STD Let's Fuck!

GGRREEAATT friend there...Just..WHAT

This is the SAME person who sent me Flowers when I had the Botox done. And the Fucking Bitch didn't have the decency to even tell me.

She want so far as to actually Pass out in Juin's Bed with him in it..so he promptly got up and slept on the couch.

Juin being a sweet mate didn't tell me right away because he knew how important having a REAL LIFE friend is for me. I sit at home..alone. I only see him. I Dance but I am not really as much a part of the Dance community as I want to be because everyone around here SUCKS (the upper level dancers) Hell the only dancers I see around here are the people at the studio..2 people.

I am so fucking SICK of being alone and lonely.


I Just ADORE having people who act like they are my friends talk shit about me while I am in the fucking hospital the try and FUCK my mate!!!!!!!!


Ugh.

SO yeah, I have 1 week to prepare for the Day of Dance Celebration, get my workshops in order and I feel like shit.

I want to just sit and immerse myself in art. Just that. I feel even worse I have not been as productive hell in the last YEAR then I should be. That people are waiting on pieces and I do NOT like that. I try and strive for the UTMOST professionalism..but god damnit I've HAD IT!

I sit here every fucking day alone, and in pain, trying like HELL to just do SOMETHING. I was excited to have a friend to go to a Huge Dance Festivle with me..shit I got my Unmata tattoo and I NEVER thought that would happen.
Lord knows what she has been saying to the other dancers behind my back. And the WHOLE time like a stupid ass I am telling her "no you're not a bad person, you are awesome and I will keep reminding you of that"

Fuck it!

I strive for kindness and this is what I get! Even on here! Not too long ago someone was offering me help and honestly things were a little chaotic and I couldn't do it at that moment, now I have asked for the info again..IGNORED

SO this is what's gonna happen.

I am going to work on art all week. Get as much as humanly possible done even if it means I don't get to bed until 2am every night then up at 7am.

I will do the Day of Dance Celebration, and then I am fucking done.

I struggle and work so god damned hard EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY to even function..and honestly I don't have to. After all the shit I have been through, I don;t have to try and stay sane. Nope. So I am going to a treatment Facility for a little vacation.

I am SO sick of fighting a losing battle with this god forsaken OCD and PTSD and mood disorders and pain and just SHIT.

I am tired of betraying myself and you all my friends, watchers and commissioners by not getting the work done like I should be. It is fucking KILLING me. I LOVE the art, and i LOVE creating it, and I practically whip myself every fucking night for NOT getting the work done. I am trying so fucking hard and no one even knows it.

I don't know what to do..or say.

I just don't.

The art will get done. Because I respect each and every one of you who has commissioned me in the past, and present. And I will pour every last little bit of what I have into your pieces. I Promise.

after that..when there is nothing left....I guess we'll see

I don't know if Juin and I's wedding will take place. Not because we are having relationship troubles or anything, we SOLVED the god damned problems. We are fine, but all the fucking money I lost for that "last Hurrah" festivle AND having to pay for a 3rd person. Breaks my god damned heart. All my life I have wanted to find that special someone and be married....I guess maybe it just isn't for me..I don't know. I Love Juin and we do great together, we really do...Hell my 25 year old Niece is getting married after a MONTH of being engaged...that fucking hurts when Juin and I are coming up on 3 years being together and 2 years engaged.


But I am just too sick. The damned Mental illness is taking me over an inch at a time and is getting to the point I can;t combat it anymore at ALL.

I had my first full on flashback the other night. I was literally in a different place and time. Scared the shit out of Juin. it's BAD...whatever.




(And No Juindalo did NOT sleep with her. He has too much respect for me for that. The reason he waited so long to tell me was because he knew that at some point she was a good friend and didn't want me to lose a friend, especially not like that. So Juindalo didn't do anything with her at all. And of course he defended me against the things she was saying about me, so just a little FYI)