Where to begin. What began as a trip of hope turned out to be ok in some standards and in other ways it just reassured of what recently transpired with someone from a past of a cycle they seemed to repeat.

*A fair warning, this journal might be long and I am going to try and type it quick so my laptop doesn't overheat*

The good - got to see a new area, take in the sights, see the people and really see things for a trip that you would expect and really have a great time.

The bad...where to begin? To make an incredibly long story short, for approx four to six months of the year I did have a LDR (Long distance relationship) with someone and part of my trip was to see more of them instead of behind the computer. Not to divulge much information on them, but I think in some cases this was probably a good wake up experience as to how some quite possibly use others for their gain.

Now this individual who I shall not name I had been helping support them in their bind to get away from an ex well before easter, so that started a tab of sending them funds to which peaked at this trip on or about $1000 so no small change. This was before I got there mind you. (I even gave them $190 for several bills well before getting my hotel room. - $376 for 7 days/nights cheap compared to others for the luxury I got from it) From what they told me because they could not accommodate an extra person at their place. Now that I could easily understand and when I got there, certainly made a lot of sense. In the most part, the money I did send did help them, but it seemed to not make much of a dent for the situation.

Their place? The first thing to notice was the smell. It was bad and so was the condition of the inside. It made my room at the hotel seem like a luxury suite and what I paid for it as it was inexpensive from others I found my room much more fitting than their place. This also begs a question if you are close to someone is it polite to bring up or anyway to bring it up in a manner that doesn't hurt their feelings? What was redeeming in that standard was their skill in the kitchen and those hours it was rather nice. Dinner was a saving grace of enjoyment with her and her family. To which they were rather nice.

Another quickly approaching problem was timing. Having a fortunate conversation earlier this morning with them again online probed further into an issue I had with them after I got back. They spent more of their time up all night and sleeping in the day. Whereas I would be up for the day they made little effort aside their parents in getting them up in order to be around well before a certain hour in the afternoon. I kindly got some of the continental breakfast for her and her folks and made an impressive juggling act of beverages when I took enough for four from the hotel and walked my way back to her place over several streets which her family told me were not so friendly. Quite the opposite during the day. Maybe there was a few bad eggs to cause trouble, but all her neighbors were delightful in convesation, so on some days it was more like an adventure in who I met next.

Now after the first two days of settling in for a week for a stay, I managed to only see them in the afternoon if fortunate for a couple of hours. Unless it was for the fair which I paid for her and her parents and anything at that ($90+). I would greet her family around 8 or 9 am and give breakfast goodies and retire back to my place for the next 3-5 hours to wait, playing some of the games I brought that I hoped to share, including my wii with several I thought would interest her to play. Sadly for this, it only became solo as she never wanted to play any. This and going back to my place which I asked on occasions without hinting toward the space and air issues of hers, left it she could have enjoyed a bit more comfort and get quality one on one time - the reason for the trip. This too didn't really happen. So overall if you do not count spending time with her family...in seven days I probably got close to actual four hours of time within those days I actually spent time with her. Two of those hours were when I first got to the hotel in just hanging out before dinner that day. I spent the rest of the time doing stuff for her and her family. I felt more like a butler or a maid in helping out which I do not mind some of the tasks but there has to be limits.

The worst - not only picking up the tab, but feeling like having to pay an admission fee to see them. Every day I went over there I was expected to pay for something in helping them out, now this was after spending 190 before getting there in several bills. This came the form in grocery shopping, several gifts (I did not mind this or the groceries to an extent), her cigarettes - which to my surprise she smoked a pack a day and at $5 a pack and this to be needed every day it added up. Not much to say but it seemed whenever they saw something interesting, I was expected to buy it. Her mother was the biggest issue on this, pointing out at times on stuff they wanted over several needed items. Now here's the kicker as there had been some issues prior to the trip so were were in between being together or not, and the trip in a way was to get everything started on a better foot and perhaps get closer if things were to work out.

Now during the first night and watching the Lorax, which I purchased and packed with the plush as I bought her the blu ray + dvd combo. I expected this purchase to be the little extra in watching a movie with her and something physical she could keep for once due to just seeing bills a lot and have something fun. The movie part was ok, though for most of it, she spent time on her laptop and how we were angled, I ended up seeing some conversations due to how large that screen was. Her laptop was huge compared to mine I should point out. She was flirting and getting rather intimate with two other guys in messages during this. So during the last part of the movie I felt shot and sad as this would be the only beginning to how many were courting her in reality. It came to about four or five other guys she was keeping close as she started to openly talk about them in normal conversation in how they wanted to help her. Which up to this point I was since april covering full bill for just about everything. This is a point where you have to ask yourself where you fit in with them? And if she was caring for all these other people then why couldn't they help as much as I did. It hurt and that's probably the best words I can put it, and the fact of going back to my room alone at night time over the course of it.

This is when I returned on each consecutive day when her parents were up on their routines that she had been up all night online. From stating earlier was a normal trend even prior to showing up there as there was no change in her pattern. Now of course if someone works its understandable you won't see them every day,but when its their case you question if they would want to see you. I got that answer this morning, simply put she was up during that time but chose not to see me, she didn't want to.

Furthermore on this conversation I had with them she tells me she found a boyfriend and on skype basically showed him off as he was right there with her as she was playing WoW. It was someone local and it was one of the ones she was iming at the time while I was there.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Around day five, I started to recall all of those I left here that were close. I thought of each and every person, but did not have my laptop to keep in touch. As this laptop in its current state could possibly not go through inspection with TSA due to the bottom screws had fallen out some time ago, have no idea where those went. It became more apparent at the added purchases she wished for me to buy is when I started to say no to them, especially the cigarettes. There came a time when somethings were just wrong to keep buying and responsibility should have taken place. I tried to balance what was essential and what wasn't in a sense, but any time I did for these last few days she took it not well. They gave me a ride back to the airport on day seven which I paid for the gas for the car of course and made my way back.

In a nutshell there should be signs when in any LDR that would red flag when it is better to perhaps part ways before a meeting at all, or just let them help themselves. Though there is a grey line to that in how much you care for them, and in a way you see how bad it is for them in general. Only you wish they were more wiser in what they invested the money in. Even now from what I could tell nothing is really going to change in her direction soon, just more debt. Especially when they refuse to get assistance or a job. You can only help someone so much before they have to walk that road alone.

I did enjoy somethings of the trip and those good times I'll cherish over what could be seen as bad. Now I know many here are in such circumstances where they are in LDRs but the unfortunate thing is not all of them work, it happens.Some of that goodness can only turn out to be a fantasy. All you can do is get up and move on. You have to be careful though as too many just use the four letter word to better themselves, not caring on who they use over it.

Though I maybe single at this time, I'm thankful for those that do show support, lend an ear and show more compassion than I received from someone I should have gotten it from. I thank each and everyone of you for that. You know who you are, even if several are busy in their own lives. You are thought of, especially by me.