i was laying down and all i could think about is anger and hatred and negativity and meanness. meditation does not seem to work much any more. i am scared to really tell the people around me how i feel why some of them scare me and why i can't be around them due to my fear of pissing them off and making them not like me. the borderline personality disorder is getting worse the depression is at least getting help but the ptsd due to that is in both affects of the bpd and the depression i fear as though nothing i say or do will make anything better in my life.

some people that i do care about since one is family kinda makes me wants to fight or flee due to the way he talks to me as like my ex chris did. the one who i was friends with but ; it seems as though over the year it just got worse, the way he talked to me made my skin crawl even worse that if i didn't leave when we get in an argument it would been of a physical alteration. see i hate tha
t part of my ptsd and bpd i hate it to the point that i start thinking about suicide. yeah i know stupid.

to my room mates who i adore and love as family; meaning i would die for them both if given the circumstances. i know this is stupid for thinking this but i know 32 years old and they sometimes scare me. one who i lived with for 3 long and beautiful years has helped me understand myself just a little; but talking to him is like trying to talk to my dad (neither one please don't take it to heart) meaning its hard cause all i want to do is make him proud and think hey this person is not all fucked... to the younger one i fear of pissing him off for the slightest bump.

i try to walk on egg shells cause i am scared of having the things that are affecting my life to be pulled from under me. i do not know what to do....