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Don't even know what to call this(please read)
13 years ago
Once, there was a time when...
As the title says I don't know what the title should be, I need an outlet for things but I'm not really venting, I guess you could just call it me talking.
It kind of feels like I'm spiraling no where, I don't like being alone and I've never felt more so now than I have in quite some time. All the friends I talk to or actually talk back live too far away to do anything with and anyone close is always busy or seems uninterested. What I really want is some closeness with someone, even if it's just a friend, to have someone that I can have a lot of trust in and maybe cuddle once in a while. But everyone I know that I ask to cuddle doesn't want to cause they'll want sex and I don't really want to.
Yes sometimes I get weak and it happens anyway but overall I want is to cuddle and feel close to someone. Maybe that's why I push people away, cause I want it so much I push it on them without realizing. To those who actually read this and feel like I have been doing that I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable, I would like to say I can't control it or that I'm not fully aware of what I'm doing but part of me is. I guess a bigger part of me wants it so much the other part doesn't matter and I start acting out when I don't get what I'm looking for, which sounds childish.
It doesn't help that my feelings cloud my thoughts and even though I try to ignore them they still do. You can only give someone so many chances to change before it gets old or they don't seem like they're going to and you give up. I do try and change and adapt but maybe I'm trying to do too much at one time, trying to move faster than I can cause I get impatient or over react and want results right away.
I guess what I would really like now is if I have made you feel like anything I was describing please accept my apology. I don't expect you to jump right back into talking with me but just to accept my apology and if I do message you just let me know, maybe talk a little and help ease me the way I need to be going.
It kind of feels like I'm spiraling no where, I don't like being alone and I've never felt more so now than I have in quite some time. All the friends I talk to or actually talk back live too far away to do anything with and anyone close is always busy or seems uninterested. What I really want is some closeness with someone, even if it's just a friend, to have someone that I can have a lot of trust in and maybe cuddle once in a while. But everyone I know that I ask to cuddle doesn't want to cause they'll want sex and I don't really want to.
Yes sometimes I get weak and it happens anyway but overall I want is to cuddle and feel close to someone. Maybe that's why I push people away, cause I want it so much I push it on them without realizing. To those who actually read this and feel like I have been doing that I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable, I would like to say I can't control it or that I'm not fully aware of what I'm doing but part of me is. I guess a bigger part of me wants it so much the other part doesn't matter and I start acting out when I don't get what I'm looking for, which sounds childish.
It doesn't help that my feelings cloud my thoughts and even though I try to ignore them they still do. You can only give someone so many chances to change before it gets old or they don't seem like they're going to and you give up. I do try and change and adapt but maybe I'm trying to do too much at one time, trying to move faster than I can cause I get impatient or over react and want results right away.
I guess what I would really like now is if I have made you feel like anything I was describing please accept my apology. I don't expect you to jump right back into talking with me but just to accept my apology and if I do message you just let me know, maybe talk a little and help ease me the way I need to be going.
I was wanting to continue giving you a hard time for feeling like that, But I won't, I'm not sure how it would be recieved yet. :P
I think we both know why you didn't ask me to cuddle, and I am ok with that... I just want you to know that I would be one you could lean on and not feel the pressure to yeild sexually. hmm... weird emotional circumstances on my own part there as well..
>:))