I'm in the same predicament. In fact, I'm only open about my gayness on the internet. No one in my life outside the net knows.

Oh wow. No one?? So... does that mean you've never met another gay person face to face either?

Whatever the answer is, that must be tough... I hope you're doing OK with it. I tried that but failed miserably pretty fast... I'm super social though. How social are you? Do you feel like you just wish people you loved knew the real you? That's something I've dealt with.

So besides FA, where else do you get to be open about your orientation?

I believe I may have. He had a flirty attitude around me every so often but I didn't know what to do or if he was just messing with me.

Well, I do have a small group of friends who really like me. I'm sure a couple of them are probably onto me, though I never told them. I've been wanting to tell somebody face-to-face but I don't know how that'd go. There's this one girl I'm friends with who'd definitely be okay if she new, and I'm thinking about coming-out to her first. It'd likely help me feel more confident in coming-out to others. In any case, it isn't eating me up inside. I feel fine! A majority of the time, at least. Every now and then I'll feel bad but I can't let myself stay that way.

Elsewhere it's just casual talk. I don't openly call myself gay but I still let it be known. Not sure if that makes sense or not.

That makes a lot of sense to me. And I think you're right and smart about coming out to someone who you're confident in FIRST. That's huge. I wish I had done that!! Instead I came out to 3 people, all of whom had really tough times with it... and two of them STILL are. That really robbed me of a lot of confidence... but then later once I had a few good ones under my belt it got easier and easier. Never exactly easy, but easier...

So you don't have any gay friends in real life huh?

Nope. Or maybe none of 'em have told me! There's one guy who I've always been suspicious of. He's just like me in that he NEVER talks about or even HINTS at his orientation. Like he's asexually neutral or something. Then again, maybe he's just shy! If he were gay I'd go absolutely nuts; he's got the personality AND the looks I like. Almost started crushing on him hard but I stopped. Wouldn't be good for me if he were straight!

Anyhoo, I still haven't told that girl yet. I'm very undecided as to how I should go about it. Doing so over email feels impersonal and rude, but face-to-face seems scary.

Yeah I get ya. It IS scary! Hmmm. I'd say just do it! But, that's my personality... hmmm.

And as far as that guy goes, what if you just casually sorta pit your tongue in his mouth? :0) yeah I have no idea how to work with that! I've never dealt with a guy like that!!! :0)

I don't know. That's WAY too straight-forward for me. I'd probably come-out with it first and see what happens. Not sure how he'd react in either case.

OH! I was kidding!!! Yeah that would be insane! If he's straight, not only would he freak out, but he'd probably out you to your other friends! I was kidding there. Sorry!

Before I was out back home, I had a cute gay guy who always gave me back rubs... that's how he did it. He'd rub my back, and after a few times of that he'd ask me if I wanted to have my shirt off... then that shifted somehow to cuddling while watching movies... I think there was beer... But he was a pro. :0) I'd be too freaked out to try that myself.

Heh, yeah I'm reading into things too seriously today. That guy sounds cool! Do you still know him?

Uh... no. Things went messy... he had a partner, and the partner knew I was into guys but this massager dude didn't. Anyway, once he found out that I was leaning that way (at that point I was still telling myself I was bi, and half heartedly trying to date girls), the massager dude got all excited and pushed for us to all 3 mess around together! So we did. A couple times. But then... things got weird. I don't fully understand it all, but they suddenly didn't want to talk or hang out anymore... Which suuuuuucked, because there went many gay people in that little town... And they were fun!

I mean "fun" as friends, not just messing around. The messing around was awkward. :0)

Strange. So they just up and didn't want to stay in contact anymore?

eeeeeeyup!

Like a couple of months later, about a week before I moved to Seattle, I saw them pop up on Scruff and Grindr. I said hi, but the one who gave me the massages blocked me. The other one talked for a while and said sorry for how weird stuff got. But still not explanation. It sucked. Of course the really weird thing was that they were on those apps then looking for guys to mess around with as a couple... so I REALLY don't get it. All I can think is that maybe one or both of them developed feelings. Maybe?

But it's made me super skittish of messing with couples... Thooooough I have a couple I'm messing with now... but so far so good. But if it goes bad, then I think I'll be done with couples!

Sounds like that may have been the case, though you never know. Strange how some folks handle things.

IT IS!!!! It hurt, but also pissed me off...

Of course! I think anyone would feel that way over such rudeness. That's not how you break it up with others.

I would think it's based heavily on respect. You want to make friends with someone because you want to be close, hang out, and all that good stuff instead of the "extra stuff" that will lead to benefriends or potientials. Sadly not a lot of people think like that though because they instantly want to go further (or just go for a quick score). I've noticed that a lot since I grew up near San Francisco. It's almost like a feeling of desperation, from my observations.

But I have my own story as well:

Back when I was in community college, I met this hunky army guy at the student government office and I went out of my way to help him with music class homework in preparation for a quiz. I admit, I thought he was a looker but I truly wanted to help because he was a friend of my friends at the time and with my skills and interest in music, I figured I could be nice and impart some of my knowledge with him. That was back in 2009 or so. Fast forward to this past August. He spontaneously contacted me on Facebook, much to my suspiciousness. I had it all figured out though and sure enough he nervously came out to me (apparently my 'radar doesn't lie, haha). We became very fast and close friends and I was surprised because I had never had a gay friend before (I only had experiences with my exes). It was so nice to have someone who completely understood me and walked in the same shoes. But through it all I started to notice something stirring deep within of me.

I was starting to fall for him.

This worried me because I was still recovering from my ex that I was still recovering two and a half years prior from and that I was heavily convinced I couldn't feel for anyone for a long time. I struggled heavily with this for about a month until I finally told him my feelings. I was rejected, and it put a heavy dent between us as I became reclusive. Not because he said no, but because I was kind of lost and confused, trying to understand myself. It wasn't until December that I realized I genuinely wanted to be his friend. I ended up being there for him when he and his boyfriend broke up, his recovery phase where he questioned his sexuality and tried to revert to being straight, and when I left California in January, I told myself "I always wanted to be his friend. And that's what I'm going to be."

Today we're still good friends.

So I guess even if you start of as potentials you can make a friend in the end. Though it'd be best to avoid all that struggle and pain and just be friends from the get-go right? The thing is when you meet people at a bar they assume you want something more than friends, haha. It's a shame there's no gay recreation center where you could meet gay guys who share similar interests as you such as cooking, sports, and the like.

Hey! Wow, thanks for sharing all of that! It's encouraging... and I think that since I wrote that, I've been doing a fair job of trying to make some actual friends. It helps if they're already taken!! I also joined a gay softball team, and so I see that group of guys once a week! And, I do NOT want to mess around with any of them - it could get super weird on the field! Plus I found a gay christian group thing... I haven't been to it yet, but it SOUNDS like a not-meat-market kind of place... right?! We'll see!

That story IS really encouraging... especially since you did try to ask him out. I have a few guys who I've shot down, but who want to still be friends... and I'm suspicious. But I think I need to be more open, maybe. Yeah.

You know, your last thought, about a place where we could just meet and stuff... I bet it'd fill up with guys hunting... Maybe not, but I mean, we all kinda want to find someone, right?

So you read ALL of my journals?! Wow. That's awesome! Hope they weren't too... boring or lame or anything. I've been using FA here as a kind of place to work through some stuff. I keep a journal, like a real paper one, but somehow knowing that someone somewhere might actually READ it, sort of helps somehow. It's been a roller coaster! And I can tell there's a lot more... last night I had a HUGE talk with my roommate's girl friend about dating, and how it's been for me and stuff... and she just kept saying, "you've only been out for like 3 months! That's nothing! You're like an 18 year old!" That's encouraging, too...

So, I think I read that you just moved to Alaska? To finish college? Why all the way up there?

Howdy! Sorry for the late reply, it's been super busy. @_@

I'm glad to hear that you've been making a lot of friends haha. Indeed, it does make things so much easier when they're taken. Then you don't have to worry about all that beating around the bush game, hehe. Oh that's awesome that you've joined a gay softball team and Christian group; it'll be a great environment to share your interests with other like-minded men. Have you been to the latter yet? If so, how'd it go, was it a meat market after all? :P

Glad to hear you found the story encouraging; it was a nice outlet for me to write it out. True, you could be more open with those guys but you more than have the right to end the friendship should you start to sense they are trying to be more. You did say your intentions to not pursue a relationship already, so they would do well to respect that.

True, it can easily fill with guys hunting, but I guess you'd have to be very good at picking out people who are hunting and those who genuinely have to be there. For me, that'd be too much work. ><

Yep, I've read all of them! And no, they weren't boring or lame hehe. It was really interesting to see your feelings and thoughts evolve as you grew to find yourself. I've been through that lately myself though it a much more private manner (heck I didn't post for like 8 months). Good on you for putting it out there though, and by doing so you get to have discussions with other people about it kinda like this. :P

Your roommate's g/f is kinda right. You're still rather new to the field. But that's not a bad thing! You go out there and find what you want, and even if it takes several tries to do so, so be it. Gotta sift through the sand to find the gems, I always say, and in the end you usually end up with someone that you've been looking for. So don't give up. :)

Yup, I came here to finish college. I know, I get that question/look a lot but it's one of two places that accepted me! I was actually slated to go to University of Hawaii at Manoa but there were some late admits over me and so they gave those seats to those students instead. I didn't feel like waiting a year to reapply so I chose to come here. But I'm debating on transferring to HI in the fall; I'm just not sure what I want to do yet and have to deal with transferring credits again. But I kind of do want a Microbiology (HI) degree instead of a Natural Science w/ Pre-Health Professions one (AK). We shall see!

Hope you're having a great weekend so far, haha. I imagine you're going to watch the football game; enjoy it if so!